Photo by Tim Mossholder on Unsplash

You know what I am talking about, those "apologies" that our narcissists give us, hidden in other words.  The ones we assume are apologies, but aren't quite sure if they are.   OR they are the ones that our narcs give us in lieu of a real apology.  The ones you've been told are apologies, but there's no "I'm sorry" or any owning up to what they did wrong. 

Both aren't real, so stop accepting them!! 

The issue here is you.  I know, that's tough to hear.  But you are allowing these people to apologize in a half-ass, roundabout way, and by accepting this (in an assumed way: just letting them say it and pretending like the situation never happened), you are saying to them "It's okay, you don't actually have to own up to your mistreatment of me, I am not worth a real apology anyways".  You are setting the stage for what you will and won't accept in your life and you are straight up telling them that you aren't worth actually apologizing to.  AND you are telling them that their mistreatment of you is not only okay, but deserved. 

Is that what you want?  Is what how you want to live?  I know this how you were raised and it's a coping mechanism you've developed in order to actually survive your parents' asshole behavior.  It then puts you out into the world, doing with every narcissist in your life.  But now it's time to get passed that shit.  Because you are worth so much more than an "assumed apology".  You deserve more and shouldn't take anything less than a real one.

Now, I know there are circumstances in which you do not want to enrage the narcissist in your life.  Because standing up for yourself will 99% of the time do exactly what.  But...if you can afford them being angry for a moment, then you need to stand up for yourself.  This will set the tone for your relationship with them, that you won't stand for not being apologized to (frankly, if you can set the tone by going completely no contact, that would be best, but I know that's not always possible). 

Say your parents do or say something nasty to you or your family.  So you let them know you are angry by avoiding them.  Typically, they will wait until enough time has passed, and then say something out of the blue, something normal and like nothing has happened.  They expect you to follow suit, just act like nothing has happened.  It's an assumed, unspoken apology and acceptance of that apology.  Or sometimes they will say something that resembles an apology (at least in your head-but in reality, it resembles nothing at all), and the same will happen.  Both parties act like nothing ever happened. 

My mother liked to badmouth people who did the same bad things as she did, which always led me to believe she was secretly apologizing, like somehow she was actually talking about herself, and not this other person.  Because why would anyone badmouth another person who did the same bad things?  That makes no sense, right?!  So obviously, she's secretly apologizing.  Duh. 

See how ridiculous that sounds?  See how we make up these stories in our heads, and believe them, even though nothing could be further from the truth?  We had to do this in order to cope, in order not to blow up or go crazy or feel desperately alone.  We truly believe these people have our best interests at heart and we make up anything to back up the lies we tell ourselves in order to keep believing that.  What we forget (or don't realize) is that these people DO NOT LOVE US.   Like, at all.  They are incapable of love.  And that scares us to no end, because we do not want to be unloved.  But we are only a means to an end for them.  That's it.  That's all anyone is to them, not just us.  I know we should be special, that we should be the ones that they actually care about, but we aren't.  We are simply pawns to be sacrificed so the royals can protect one another.  They see everyone as pawns.  Everyone. 

And while that's a hard pill to swallow, it's the truth. 

And their half-assed, pretend apologies aren't worth jack.  And you have to stop letting them think they are. 

You have every single right to expect a real apology from them.  You are owed that by them.

Now, their real apology isn't really real, because they'll do it again.  But, forcing them to own up to what they've done wrong, even if in only words (meaning they aren't actually owning up, they're just saying they are), you are setting the tone that you refuse to be abused.  That you won't just "let things go".  That they can no longer just "get away with it".  And if they do what my mother did after she physically attacked me on May 16, 2006?  Where she whole-heartedly apologized one day, but then made fun of me for calling the police and badmouthed me to everyone after?  Then you don't let them get away with that either.  Back then, I had no idea my mother had NPD, and I was stuck living with her.  But I could have stood up to her anyways, but I didn't.  I let that psycho bitch poke fun at me and try to humiliate me to our neighbors.

Because that's how I was raised.  Don't poke the bear that is my raging mother.  I mean hell, I poked her on that spring day by standing up for myself and I got hit in the face.  But I was at my breaking point. I couldn't just sit there and let her call me a pervert one more time for co-sleeping with my little boys.  I was done.  And I was prepared for whatever she said next.  I wasn't prepared for her physical violence, but I was glad it happened.  To actually see how far my mother would take things was finally happening and now I knew what I was dealing with.  I knew what to expect.  And I knew I was capable of hitting her back, which was also refreshing.  A life of built up anger, of letting her hit me with out doing one thing to protect myself was finally over.

She tried to hit me again, during our big blowup (which is what started this blog).  But I ran away before she could actually strike me.  I was prepared.  I knew what was coming next.  I saw the signs.  I hadn't known them the last time, but this time I knew exactly when it was coming and ran out the door so couldn't catch me.  I could have let her hit me and then called the police to arrest her this time.  But I don't like violence, so I wasn't about to sacrifice my body to her so I could put her where she belonged.  Physical violence leaves an imprint on my psyche.  I prefer to be around it as little of that as possible now that I am an adult and I have the control to walk away from situations that hurt me or my family. 

She never apologized for that one, though.  She never apologize ever again for anyone.  And I stopped assumed she was sorry for anything at all.  I found out about narcissism and realized: she had never been sorry for anyone in her entire life.  She only apologized to get something out of it: sympathy, control, etc.  It was never genuine.  It was never meant.  It was always a manipulation. 

So, you may ask yourself, "Why do I want to press for a real apology when they don't mean it?"  That's actually a great question.  Because on the surface, it looks futile and completely useless.  But there's one good reason to do it:

You.

It doesn't matter if they mean it or not.  Frankly, the apology itself isn't what we're going for here at all.  What we're going for is what you are telling them by forcing them to apologize.  You are saying "I will no longer accept that you hurt me and get away with it.  In order to be in my life, you must know that I am not letting you get away with it anymore.  You will own up, even if in only words, to what you've done wrong and I will not pretend it didn't happen.  I am allowed my pain.  I am allowed my history as fact, not as you pretended it happened.  And I am allowed put you in your place when you've done something wrong." 

In other words "I will stand up for myself, and you will not forget it." 

And just like with children, you must be consistent.  You must do this every single time.  Eventually they will learn.  If they don't?  They don't get you in their lives.  If they try to deny or deflect, you will remind them of what they did wrong and walk away if they won't engage.  And the moment they come crawling back to you?  You will engage again.  You will keep engaging until they back down and own up, or if they prove they will always refuse to engage, you will stop going back and go no contact. 

If you live with them?  You can't go no contact.  But, you can force them to engage as long as you don't give up.  And once they do engage and own up, don't let them backtrack (because they will!).  Keep on them, every single time they want to deflect or ignore, just force them to the truth.  Never back down. 

I am not saying get on their case constantly if they've already apologized, but apologies don't mean jack without them proving remorse.  If they apologize and act like it never happened?  Then you have the right to bring it up when it's bothering you.  But not constantly.  See a therapist if something is constantly bothering you.  Whether or not the narcissist will go with you is up in the air, but you can certainly see one alone.  And you can work through your issues without them.  Sometimes, that's what's needed, esp. if they refuse to take responsibility for their actions. 

Frankly, if you are involved with a narcissist on any level, you should be seeing a therapist.  Even if they are no longer in your lives, but you have residual issues stemming from their abuse (and they all are abusive in their own ways). 

If you don't want to wait around for an apology, or feel it's useless, then consider going completely no contact.  I knew my mother's apologies were never going to amount to a damn thing, so I walked away.  I was done.  Enough was enough. 

I stopped needing her to say she was sorry, because sorry is just a word (and it hardly ever came out of her mouth anyways).  What I needed from her was something she could never, ever give me, so I let her go.  There comes a time in your life that you have to ask yourself: when is enough enough?  How long will you let them continue to hurt you?  Because if you can ask yourself that, you may find that today is the day that you will stop letting yourself be abused and you walk away.  That day came to me as a surprise.  I didn't wake up knowing that I was done.  I didn't even think after being around her horrible self that day that I as done.  It was only when I asked myself: "What if I was done today?  What if today is the day I no longer let her hurt me anymore?"

And as it turned out, it was that day.  Apologies or not, I was done.  And here we are.

Photo by sam bloom on Unsplash

My mother only ever wanted me around when I could do something for her.  Her close friend (our old mutual friend) is the same.  There are two reasons she calls me:

1) To gossip (which is a means to an end,  for her.  It has nothing to do with me at all.  It's something she needs: a human being to gossip to, the more the merrier.  I am just thrown into that bit. 

2) Someone to do something for her.  Which again, is a means to an end, for her.  Again, nothing to do with me.  Just a person to fill that role, a human being to be bought and used and soon, discarded for the more important person: the narcissist.

She will call my mother to go shopping, to go garage sale-ing, to go anywhere.  But she only calls me for these two things.  Funny, she used to do these things with me, but from what I can tell now, it was just to make my mother jealous.  I thought she was hanging out with me because she liked me, but I am sure the moment we got back she would tell my mother "Guess who I went to the store with?"  She was always upset my mother would never go to the store with her, and would always ask me.  BUT now, my mother will go to the store with her, and I never get one invitation.  So I feel it's safe to assume these things. 

It's just annoying.  Why can't she just stop asking me for stuff or stop gossiping to me?  And just understand we don't have that kind of friendship anymore?  But it's hard for her to understand anything at all, so how can I expect her to understand that the only time I want her to call me is when something bad has happened to mother?  I could just tell her outright, but I have told her MANY things outright and she just doesn't get it.  So I don't want to be stuck telling her that several times, over and over again (which is how things usually go with her).  I'd rather just ignore her.  I could half lie and tell her I sprained my ankle and I can't help her, but that only takes care of now, not future things she'll ask me to do for her. 

Today she called to ask if I would do yardwork for her, and she'll pay me.  I really did sprain my ankle a few weeks ago (and it's still a little swollen and hurts somewhat).  And the kind of yardwork she's asking for involves feet, so I really would not be able to help her anyways.  But I don't want to contact her at all.  I want her to stop treating me badly and that will only happen if she leaves me alone. 

I know if I tell her outright why I don't want to talk to her, she will run to my mother and my mother will convince her that I am making a big deal over nothing and she's a good friend and I am just a bitch.  And this will convince her, because honestly, this woman wants to believe nothing bad about herself.  And she only befriends narcissists and treats people who care about her like shit (even if unintentionally---I know that sounds naïve, but I truly do not believe she treats me bad on purpose, she has lower functioning aspergers and just doesn't get it). 

Sidenote: if you are not familiar with the different levels of aspergers, I am painting a different picture of her to you.  Have you seen Parenthood?  There's a boy on there with aspergers who's name is Max.  He has normal aspergers, not high-functioning.  My sister-in-law has that.  You can tell.  HF aspies are more quirky, but you can't tell by their speech or actions that they have aspergers unless you understood the high-functioning level.  Aspergers is high-functioning autism.  But you have lower-functioning aspergers (like Max) and higher-functioning (like Dan Ackroyd).  It's all a scale, and scales within scales.  I have it too, but I am very high-functioning, whereas this woman is lower-functioning on the high-functioning scale.  Confusing, I know.  This just means she's closer to a typical aspie, the kind that everyone knows about. 

See though, that's my issue.  Her ability to understand things when you tell her is compromised, so you end up having to repeat the same thing to her 50x before she gets it, and even then, sometimes it doesn't stick.  I don't want to hurt her feelings, but mostly, I don't want her to not accept responsibility for her actions towards me and use my mother to tell her that I am the bad guy here.  If that will happen, then what's the point of telling her at all? 

I know I sound like a used record.  But life isn't always neatly wrapped up with a perfect bow, with neatly placed compartments that do not spill into one another.  Life is messy, unpredictable, and pretty repetitive.  The same issues will keep coming up, over and over again until you figure how best to deal with them.  And when you don't know how?  It leaves that gate wide open for things to crash into one another on a continuous basis.  So I feel like I am always having to deal with this women, whether I actually deal with her or not.  That gate is left open because my unwillingness to take action, REAL action.  My inaction is an action, but it's not REAL action.

But, as much as it bothers me to not take REAL action, I have learned recently that sometimes there's a reason for that feeling...that pulling feeling that stops you from speaking your mind when you know you should.  Sometimes there's something bigger at play and your gut tells you to just stay out of it, even when you know the right thing to do is to say what you feel and stand up for yourself.  I've been learning to accept that feeling (it's played so many times in my life) and just roll with it.  So while it feels good to explore my feelings on this blog, about how I feel about certain people who treat me badly, there's something that's holding me back from doing anything about it.  And I have to be okay with that.  Because, when the time IS right?  It won't feel that way anymore.  That much I've learned. 

So, I'll just sit here and evade her as much as I can, and only deal with her directly when I absolutely have to.  Which I hope is hardly ever. 

Photo by Jamison McAndie on Unsplash

There is really inaccurate article out there about how narcissists prey on the strong.  It's contradictory is most parts, because while it says that they see strong people as a challenge, it also states that all abusers like this (psychopaths, sociopaths, narcs) see everyone as beneath them.  So one could argue that they see everyone as weak, just varying degrees.  You can read the article here.  Anyways, it's bullshit, because seeming strong on the outside is not the same as being strong.  There is always a weakness inside of a person that allows others to abuse them.  And most people have it.

One person commented on this, agreeing by saying "Nobody wants to rob an empty house".  I commented back that narcissists do not want to rob you, they want to possess you.  And they want to possess those who they deem easy to take. 

Do some narcs want a strong-willed person to give them a challenge?  Sure!  But most are pretty damn lazy.  Look around at your mother's inner circle of codependent flying monkeys: what do you see?  What about your father?  Are these people strong, mentally-healthy, independent-minded people who are secure in themselves?

*giggle*  I thought not.

My grandfather had a 6th grade education, whereas my grandmother was college educated and brilliant.  My grandfather was easy prey.  My grandmother was cunning, brilliant, and someone who you'd think would like a challenge.  But alas, she saw him as an empty house she could easily possess and fill with her own agenda.  Most narcs, even cunning ones, are too lazy to rob and replace, they just want to fill and possess. 

I am not saying that all people who get taken for a ride by a narc are weak, not at all.  Narcs see us as weak.  They see us as easy prey.  How?  Well, we show them that we'll take their shit.  Those of us who won't take their shit walk away.  So there is something that's attracting us to these relationships, as friends or SO's/spouses (and them to us).  And what's attracting us is the fact we were trained by our own parents to take their shit.  So we're used to it. 

People who don't stand up for themselves are definitely targeted.  People who are pliable and too agreeable are also targeted.  People who wear their hearts on their sleeves are also targeted.  Men and women who send off the vibe that they are damaged are also targeted (I know, because I used to be that girl).  But strong, confident people are not really targeted....they maybe be challenged to see if they will be one of the above (because strong and confident in your job doesn't mean you are strong and confident deep down).  If the narc sees that this person pliable or too much of a "people pleaser", they may be targeted.  But mind you: they aren't targeted for their strength: they are targeted because something proved to the narc that they'd be easy enough prey.  Because those that are actually strong enough to not be interested in the narc's games will be tossed to the curb (or they will leave because they see through the narc's bullshit). 

I got suckered into a narc relationship because I was damaged.  I got pregnant really quickly and all of a sudden found myself in a marriage.  I did not bow down to his narc games and held my head high and refused to budge, but not because I was born that way.  I was made that way by being in a 2 year relationship previously with an emotionally and physically abusive narcissist.  I did gain the strength to leave that 2 year boyfriend, but immediately begged him to take me back a few days later(although he found another woman to possess, once much more pliable than I--easier prey, and he refused to take me back--LUCKILY!).  But from this situation I learned how to be stronger. 

So, what do you do when you end up in a relationship with a narc and you refuse to back down and be his or her victim?  You go through hell, that's what.  The yelling, the screaming, the breaking of items, the abuse of your children......after 6 years I had to leave.  I had to walk away, even though I had nothing.  But I am stubborn and refused to give in, so I did what I had to do to survive and go live with my narcissistic, abusive mother for a bit.  We had to endure her abuse, for almost a year.  But my stubbornness kept us safe most days (when she did eventually physically assault me, we ended up moving out) and I made sure we kept our distance.

My point: the only way we become strong when it comes to narcissists, is to endure narcissistic abuse and come out the other side with our lessons learned.  We have to build hard shells that filter out all the bullshit (whether with friends or lovers) that is only created when we've gone through the actual war of living with a narc (or having any sort of relationship with one).  Living with our parents growing up is not enough: that part actually primes us for abusive relationships in the future.  We have to actually pay attention and endure what these assholes do in order to be strong enough to repel them later. 

So despite this article claiming that narcs target strong people, the fact of the matter is that deep down, if you stay with a narc, you haven't gotten strong enough yet.  They deem us as weak--which means that they deem us as people who will put our narcs before ourselves. 

The opposite of strong, in this situation, is not being weak, even if others see us as that.  The opposite of being strong is having a weakness that our parents instilled in us.  Our weakness is to let others control us.  But if you've grown up with that, that's all you know.  So that's what you will gravitate to in friendships and lovers.  Does that make us bad or stupid or wrong?  No, it makes us human.  Being strong is something we have to learn ourselves.  It's a long, hard process, but it's doable.

I was strong-minded, strong-willed, and had ODD as a teenager.  You'd think I'd be the one dominating all my relationships, right?  Yet, I surrounded myself with narcissistic friends and dated only men who hurt me.  The ones who treated me well bored me and I quickly tired of them and soon would move onto another hurtful man (or rather, boy).  My all-time BFF who I never had one single fight with for the 2 years we were BFF's, was a raging covert narcissist.  She was evil and cruel and I always forgave her because I was like a lost puppy dog by her side.  I craved her attention, which she would give me (love bombing) and then she'd find another person to love-bomb and leave me sitting there wondering what I did wrong.  During this time she'd badmouth me, but always talk her way out of it.  Then, she'd have enough, and come back to me and love bomb me all over again.  The straw that broke the camel's back was she went around telling everyone the father of my baby (my ex-narcissist husband) wasn't the father of my baby.  No reason, just for fun. 

You see, I wasn't strong at all, even though I presented myself as strong-minded and strong-willed.  I even thought of myself that way, but I just wasn't.  I still had my weakness that made me let others control me and hurt me.  And my ex didn't target me....I went after him.  I was sick of "bad boys" and wanted a nice guy.  And because I was pregnant, I found myself trapped with a raging narcissist (he is, and was, so very covert).  And I stayed with him to protect my son (I couldn't go back to my parents' house until after my father died, as he was horribly physically abusive).  I had to pick one abuser over another, but it was still my choice (I knew I could keep my son protected from his father more than I could from my own father). 

The only time I realized my ex had broken me was after we were divorced!  Silly, right?  I had left but I so desperately believed that deep down, despite his horrible raging (and scary) temper, he was capable of being a good person.  I gave him chance after chance after chance.....in the end, he got his rights taken away and didn't see the kids for 5 years.  But during our marriage, I KNEW he was a shitty father and a shitty person.  It was only after we divorced that he lured me with "nice bombing" (showing me a side to him that I hadn't seen since before we got married).  Which then created this horrible situation for my children.  But in the end, I wised up and realized he was just playing games with me (and them). 


So as you can see, there no such thing as a "strong" person that gets with a narc.  We can be stronger than we were before, sure.  That doesn't make us "strong" as a whole.  Despite your high-powered job or life that seems to be together, you still have a weakness if you get with a narc and stay with him or her.  And having that weakness makes you human, not "weak".  It's like separating yourself from an illness: you aren't what you have.  Having a weakness doesn't make you weak.  But it does make the narcissist think you are weaker than they are.  If you let them hurt you, they think they have the right to hurt you.  I was literally told that by an old friend who was a narc:

"If people would just stand up for themselves, I would just stop bullying them.  But they don't, so they deserve it". 

That's simply not true, but that's how she saw things (which is bullshit, because when I did stand up for myself with her, I was blamed, bad-mouthed, and bullied some more).  But that's how warped their excuses are. 

This article speaks about strong people getting targeted by narcs because they like a challenge.  I think it's normal to want to give that excuse for why someone was in an abusive relationship, but if we want to accept reality, we need to realize that our weakness is why they stay.  It's harsh, but it's true.  And one day, when we can defeat that weakness, narcs won't be allowed in our lives anymore. 

Narcissistic abuse can make us stronger, wiser, and more powerful, but only if we learn from it.  Only if we decide not to take it anymore.  Only when we realize that nobody is in control of who we are except us. 

And while that goes against everything we were taught growing up, it is possible and it can be done.  You just have to find your own last straw.  Even if it's over something that's not a big deal at all.  Last straws don't have to be grand gestures, they can be just a quiet bowing out.  Both will have the same impact on your life: YOU decided that you won't let others control you anymore.  YOU.  And if that's not strength, I don't know what is. 

Photo by Nine Köpfer on Unsplash

Today I had to do something menial, something small, but something that will have impact on my mother in a great way.  I feel terrible about it...which is stupid, because she would not think twice about doing the same to me in the blink of an eye.  She's ruthless and doesn't care about anyone's feelings.  But I do.  And I know this will hurt her. 

My mother and I shared a game account.  She recently changed her email and is moving all of her accounts to that new email.  This means that soon, I will lose all my games (most of which I paid myself for).  So, I did something to save my games: I changed the account to my own email and changed the password and took off all her financial information and made sure mine was the only one it could pull from.  I want to be as considerate as I can with this, even though I am essentially screwing her.  Meaning: she will lose access to ALL her games. 

And I really feel like shit about it.  Her life consists of her cats and her stupid computer games (and gossiping and shopping).  I know that if I were let her have control over our account (which was what was going to happen next) I'd be the one with games that don't work.  So how do I choose, me over her?  Games aren't as important to me as they are to her.  But at the same time, she's running around accusing me of using her bank account (she had things pull from her account accidentally that I never turned off, so they were 2 very small things that were totally on accident--which she knew about but still acted like I was stealing from her), and changing all of her accounts and emails as a big deal to make a show out of trying to "protect herself" from me to all her friends and our family.  Last time I went no contact with her (four years ago) she turned off my Netflix account, called and had my Link card shut off, and a few other things to mess with my life for NO reason.  At least with this game account I have a reason.  I wouldn't fuck with her life for nothing (and wouldn't fuck with her life just to fuck with it, even if I had a reason).  I am just trying not be the one fucked by her, yet again.

But I still feel bad about this.  I don't want to mess with her life.  I don't want her to get up tomorrow and not have access to her games.  I don't want her to freak out (partly because she will blame me and tell everyone I did this on purpose to hurt her).  It won't matter that I own 50% of the games on our account.  It won't matter that she was planning on doing the same thing to me (I know this for a fact, because I said before that I still had access to her email and saw her changing all of her accounts to her new email).  It won't matter that there wasn't a malicious reason, or that I heavily weighed the outcome of both scenarios before making this choice.  All that will matter is that it happened to HER.   And that I did it.  Those will be the only facts that will matter (partly because that will be the only thing she will ever know, because I am not going to explain myself when the inevitable call comes from her friend---I no longer call her our mutual friend, as she's my mother's friend, not mine). 

I still feel bad though.  Even though she'll badmouth me.  Even though she was going to do the same thing to me.  Even though she's done worse to me in the past.  I feel bad because I have no reason to punish her.  Because I have a conscience, and I know she paid for 50% of the games that are hers.  Because it was down to me or her and in the end, I picked me....which feels selfish and assholey. 

But unlike her, I am capable of feeling bad when I make decisions that effect other people in a negative way (she feels gratified when she makes decisions that effect others negatively, like the world owes her something).  Unlike her, I don't want to hurt her just to hurt her (sometimes I have felt that way in the past, but I always had a reason---she never has a reason, she just gets bored and wants to hurt people).  Unlike her, I let my decisions bother me long after I've made them, pondering if I did the right thing or not (she just forgets she made the decision at all and runs around like nothing ever happened--must be nice to have that luxury). 

I feel like a total asshole for doing it.  But at the same time, for once, I didn't let her screw me over.  Yet, that doesn't really make me feel any better.  I don't like screwing other people over just to save myself.  And for something that wasn't as important to me as it was to her.  But it's done and over with and I can't really do anything about it now.  I'll just have to live with my choice.  And the consequences that will most definitely come with that choice. 

Well, I better go play some of my games so it wasn't all for nothing.  *sigh* 

Photo by Fabrizio Verrecchia on Unsplash

Sometimes I feel overwhelmed with my thoughts.   So much crap spinning around in my head.  I get angry, sad, numb, and tons of other feelings on a regular basis.  How is one supposed to feel when their mother abandons them?  Yes, I went no contact with her.  But she's the one who actually abandoned me.  She's the one who chose her own made-up world over the truth.  She's the one who abandoned me a long time ago when she chose to allow terrible things to happen and then promptly ignored them (or flat out lied about them, even though they just happened).  She's the one who took sides of the people that hurt me, just so she could enjoy watching me hurt.

I am so angry sometimes.  I just want to scream or go to her house (which is a block away) and scream at her.  I want her to try to hit me, so I can put her ass in jail.  But after I come down off my anger high, I realize that it's all useless, futile thinking.  She is Borg.  She is assimilated.  And unlike Picard and 7 of 9 (if you don't watch Star Trek, you'll have NO idea what I am referencing--I apologize), there is no coming back from that.

My kids call what we see on shows TV Narcissism.  It shows that mom who always wants the spotlight (like the mom on Good Luck Charlie) or the mom who thinks nothing is good enough for her perfect child (Everyone Love's Raymond), but in the end, they have a good heart.  There's always making up or having a breakthrough where they admit "I am sorry I act this way.  It's just that....." and they all end up happy by the end of the show.  But true to life narcissism is MUCH more like the Borg on Star Trek.  Resistance is futile.  Even though they can't assimilate all of us, they do succeed in getting our family members and siblings.  And you can't talk to a Borg.  They will just say Borg things.  Just like a narc is always saying narc things, even though some of it sounds normal (trust me, it's not, it's always a manipulation).  They are unloving (though some narcs can pretend to show love, like my mother), unfeeling (though again, good at pretending to have feelings), and unkind.  You can't cure NPD, unlike Borg (curing a Borg of their Borgness is very, very hard, but ultimately doable), but other than that, it's probably the most accurate description of narcissists we have on TV.

And that's why wanting to scream at my mother or slapping her in the face is just futile.  It won't wake her up.  It won't change her mind.  It won't help anything.  You can slap a Borg until your hand breaks and that Borg will still be a Borg and there's nothing you can do to change that.  It's like trying to slap the cancer out of a person.

Imagine that....going around a cancer ward and slapping all the patients to cure them.  You'd be put in jail.  And all the patients would most definitely not be cured.  Though, unlike cancer, if you give meds to someone with NPD, that won't cure them either.  So no slapping, no meds, no yelling at them, nothing.  They are unchangeable.

And because of that, I feel my name still fits me quite well: Girl Lost.  Because I still feel very, very lost.  The girl I once was, growing up with 2 shitty parents, uncomfortable and drama-filled family gatherings, and pretend love.  It felt good to pretend to know who I was.  I was suffering, yes, but I had an identity.  A fake one, but it felt real.  Now?  I feel like I have no identity.  Like the Borg came and took my family away--my real family, the one I was supposed to get.  The one that actually loved me.  I have that with my kids, but I have no aunts, no uncles (besides the fact all my uncles are dead), no cousins, no parents.  I feel like I was left behind, abandoned in the woods, left to fend for myself for my entire life, and then, even the scary predators that lurked in the woods who wanted to hurt me left too.  And now I am left standing in the middle of the trees, with no sense of direction, wondering when I will find my way home?  I can create one, and I have, but it's not the same thing.  I can't give my children cousins to play with.  Or great-aunts or grandparents or anything.  Just me.  My hubby, too...he also went no contact with his own narcissistic family.  So here we are, the four of us (with our furrybabies), stranded on an island, together, yet alone.

I feel betrayed.

Abandoned.

Angry.

Alone.

We broke free from the Borg ship, but we are stuck in space with only us.  While we should be relieved and happy, and at first we really, really were, but now we are in that space of "Now what?  What comes next?".  It's eerie, all that silence.  Makes you paranoid.  The newness of the situation wears off and you're left with learning to accept your circumstances.  Sometimes I feel like I've got it.  Sometimes I feel like I have 100% accepted that this is our lives now.  But days crop up, here and there, that remind me that I fully haven't yet.  Days like today.

You get so used to dysfunction that when you don't have it anymore, your brain wonders what the fuck is going on.  These days are less and less, which is a good thing and shows me that I am healing, but at the same time, I just wish my new life would start.  That I could find my way out of those woods.  Even though the woods feel comfortable.  It's what I know.  The idea of walking out, into a different world, a different place?  Scares the shit out of me.  But it's so lonely here.  And I a ready for a change, because I know that I will eventually get used to it.

And I know it will be better.  Anything is better than this.

Photo by Jason Blackeye on Unsplash

Despite feeling like I've lived a hundred lifetimes in my 40 years, I really only split those years into the "before" and the "after".  I think you know what I am referring to, as being the type of blog this is.  The before I knew my mother was a narcissist and went no contact and the after.

The before:

I did everything mother asked of me.  Sometimes begrudgingly, but usually willfully.  I thought the world revolved around her.  I took her abuse because by making excuses for her behavior.  I didn't want to believe she was doing things on purpose to harm me or my children.  I cooked like her.  I fed my cats the same way she fed hers.  I was a carbon copy of my mother.  I thought her way was not only the right way, but the only way.  She made comments that I assumed were secret apologies for the way I grew up.  I thought she honestly loved me.  And I believed if she died, I would die too.  That I literally could not live without her.  I am so very ashamed to admit that I ignored my children in her presence.  I let her have her way, always.  I was as codependent as they came.  And fucking miserable.

The after:

The world that was once black and white, had now become colorized.  Things made total sense.  Everything made sense.  I was now capable of not only seeing the truth in her, but everyone around me.  I saw that I had surrounded myself with narcissists as friends.  And I realized I no longer desired to take their shit anymore.  I am a little more jaded now...a little more angry, seeing narcissism everywhere, but I feel more open, too...wiser and more whole.  Knowing about narcissism has allowed me to heal on so many levels it's not even funny.  I know this anger will eventually fade...I am only 3 months no contact with my mother.  And I know it mainly stems from her.  I look forward to the day I no longer think about her most days.  And I am learning to be my own person, away from whatever my mother's plan to mold me into was.  This type of healing only comes from going no contact.  I don't see how anyone can be who they are meant to be in life while they are still in contact with their narcissistic parents.  It's just not possible.  It's hard road...so much anger and resentment (and fantasies of punching her in the face!), but it's worth it.  It's so very much worth it.