Today my mother said in the backseat of the car on the way to the doctor's office "With your birthday coming up, you should give me some of my money so I can take you out to dinner." 

I replied "I hate going out to eat, you know this."  

She said back "Yeah, but this place is vegetarian.  It's called 'brick' something." 

"Yes, Brick House Brewery, I know all about it.  The kids want to go to there."

"Everyone says it's so good.  We should go for your birthday."  

I started seething in the front seat.  Everything about this conversation was pissing me off.  I was rolling my eyes and making faces to make myself feel better.  She couldn't see me.  I know she has dementia.  And I know it's getting worse.  But in this instance, I truly did not know if this was her narcissism or her dementia speaking.  And knowing how she's been in the past, I can only assume it's her narcissism.  But just in case it was her dementia, I didn't say anything back to her.  I let her have her moment of feeling "normal" for a second.  Granted, had it been her dementia, she wouldn't have remembered she doesn't have control of her money. 

Here's what I wanted to say: 

"How can you even fathom taking me out to dinner for my birthday?  You tortured me for YEARS, my entire life, forcing me to go out to eat with you, not only for your birthday, but everyone else's birthday, plus my own.  And never, not once, did you ever take me, or anyone else in my family, where we actually wanted to go.  Back when I was actually vegetarian, I wanted to go to The Greenhouse, remember?  And you said you'd take me.  But on the day of my birthday, you said 'No, we're going to go 'The 6 Pennies'', which was your favorite place to go.  Just like you did every single year for every single person.  Then one day I actually made you go to Famous Dave's for my husband's birthday, you had a meltdown the entire time and screamed at us all the way home.  And I told you then, and I meant it, I would never EVER go out to eat with you again.  That was only five years ago, Ma.  And I've held to that ever since.  Also, what makes you think you could go out to eat?  You have horrible bowel issues that will make you shit your pants if you don't get to a bathroom quick enough after you eat.  I am no longer vegetarian, and haven't been over ten years, and I HATE HATE HATE going out to eat!  I have hated it my entire life and you always knew it and still know it!!  And you love it so very much so you forced me to go with you!!!  You'd take me out to eat, and I'd always have a horrible panic attack during dinner, and you'd use that time to shame me and pick on me and make fun of me!!!  WHY WOULD I EVER WANT TO SUBJECT MYSELF TO THAT AGAIN?????!!  Please, kindly, go fuck yourself with that shit.  And kiss my ass because I would rather shit in the middle of the mall's food court on top of a table then go out to eat with you again!!" 

But I didn't say any of that.  I didn't even answer her.  I just let her ramble on about what she read about the restaurant and thought of something else in my mind while she spoke.  

I hate going places with her.  I hate talking to her most of the time.  Sometimes she's nice to talk to.  But mostly, she's telling me what to do, or asking me for shit.  OR coming up with stupid way to try to ruin my birthday.  

Well, it's a month or so away.  I'll come up with something to do with my ACTUAL family instead.  I don't need to worry about what the old woman that I take care of wants for my birthday.  Because it has nothing to do with her at all. 

Actual picture my son took of the eclipse.

So, over last weekend, we drove down to Carbondale, Illinois to watch the eclipse on Monday.  We wanted to see the full eclipse, because where we live, we only had a partial view of it.  And I've never seen a full real one, and OMG I was not prepared for what I saw!  I mean, this picture above is one my son took and that's what it looked like in real life!  All I can say was when I finally took off my glasses and looked up I, I gasped and tears filled my eyes because it was an astronomical marvel!  Yes, it only lasted for a little more than three minutes, but wow, those three minutes were utter amazingness.  In those moments I felt a part of something truly awesome and something everyone around us were a part of it, too.  In those moments, I felt so utterly human, so aware of my smallness and the bigness of the universe around me.  It was truly humbling.  I had no words.  I was speechless.  

Afterwards, we travelled around Shawnee National Forest and got lost.  We started following random signs and we ended up here: 

Burden Falls.  This was truly amazing and awesome!  Not as much as the eclipse, but it was great in its own right.  

We stayed at a few hotels, one was super fancy!  The other ones were crappy compared to that one.  They were discriminatory though, as they didn't allow us to get free breakfast, even though we paid over $200 for the room.  All because we got a slight discount through Expedia (nowhere does it say that on the website).  I found that be a bit assholey.  But whatever.  

Then we get home and.....it all starts over again.  I found out that my mother acted like a little kid, like she always does whenever I am gone, and disregarded my rules and did however she pleased.  And then she came to my bedroom door, while my kids were on my bed loving up the dog we didn't take with us (Arthur, who was super depressed while we were gone), and she put one foot into my room.  I said to myself "Oh wow, there's her foot, pretty soon her body will follow".  And sure enough, came the second foot.  Then she started scooting in.  I was standing there, facing her, and she didn't care.  I think she thought her "inching" into my room would go unnoticed, but eventually, after she started craning her neck around my TV, I said enough was enough.  So I said "I need to go get my water from the kitchen" and then started walking towards her to usher her out.  She went without complaining, thank goodness. but now I have to watch her.  She's lately been asking to open my door for my dogs, and asking the kids to let her go in my room while I am sleeping to get her cigarettes.  Um...like that's ever going to happen. So, this incident, while may be a one-off thing, I need to pay attention to, so I don't wake up one day with her sneaking around my room.  

On the way to Carbondale, we stopped to see some family of mine.  It was weird.  Like it always is.  And I was glad to leave.  I hate small talk.  And I was soooo tired because forced socialization makes me sleepy AF.  One of the family members was planning on coming with us, but decided not to go, and I was soooooo glad!  My family and I are best left to our own devices.  I can't have actual fun with strangers tagging along.  

It was a really fun trip.  Except for the part where I found out that I am prolly allergic to milk.  So that was fun.  And extremely anxiety inducing.  And a huge part of my diet is milk, so now I guess I am going to learn how be milk-free.  I used to not eat dairy, because I was told my allergist that I was allergic to dairy (and they said I was allergic to peanuts, soy, wheat, and eggs).  And it turns it, I wasn't allergic to any of them (at the time).  They had tested me and I reacted to all of those things, but then again, I also reacted to everything else, plus the negative (which you aren't supposed to react to).  But now I have to learn how to eat dairy free foods all over again, as it's been a long time since I've done that.  

I will call my doctor tomorrow and see about getting an appointment with an allergist to see what's up.  Granted, I wont eat any dairy until then, but most likely, I will never eat dairy again.  

I hate being allergic to a food.  It scares me.  But, my hubby is allergic to anchovies and my oldest son is allergic to shrimp (he has FPIES).  

So I spent a large amount of my time worrying about this, but before that happened, I was having a blast :)  I even walked around the national forest by myself (with Kobe) and didn't have any anxiety.  It was great!  

I can't let my mother shadow our trip with her assholery.  I won't let her.  Because that's what she wants to do.  So, instead, I am going to just remember this trip as one of a awesomeness :)  I got to spend a bunch of time with my kids and we all had so much fun together.  That's all that matters.  My hubby stayed home because of his job and he took care of my crazy mother (and our other wonderful dog).  I wish he could have come with, but even with just us three, we had a blast.  The eclipse was an amazing experience and I am so happy that I actually went with (I was terrified of going, as I hate traveling).  

And that's it.  Nothing else.  My mother can go be a ding-dong however much she likes, and she can't ruin it for us.  I have to stop letting her ruin anything for us.  Because while I was there, I did find a home for her to go to.  So, if all else fails, I know where mother will be living LOL 

Shady Pines, ma!!

When my mom smokes the Mary Jane, she turns into a zombie.  Like, a total braindead zombie.  She can't even comprehend normal sentences.  So, my son has tried to get her high a couple times, even though I don't want him to, but since my mom is a badass, she wants to go behind my back and do things she's not supposed to.  She doesn't know but I kind of don't give a fuck.  

It's not like I want her to be high regularly.  And it's not like I don't know when its happening, as my son tells me beforehand.  But out of the three times he's tried, none of the times has she gotten high.  See, he only gives her a tiny little hit off of his vapes and she will pretend they affected her.  But ONLY when she's alone.  "Oh, I so totally felt it when I was in my room, oh my god!"  Not you didn't, but good try there badass.  The hits she's taking are sooooooooo tiny, that they wouldn't affect a baby, much less a plus-sized adult.  But she loves to be a badass, so she will pretend like she's feelin' it. 

Of course she never acts high whenever he's given it to her and she functions perfectly normal.  But sure, whatever, ma. *eyeroll*  Pretend all you like.  I've seen my mother high a few times when I was a kid, like actually high, and like I said, she turns into a total zombie.  

Now she's gonna brag to her friend Christmas that my son lets her get high.  Which is silly, but she can tell her friends whatever she likes.  She's not been high on weed once since I was in sixth grade.  But sure.  Brag to your friend what a bad ass you are LOL 

Well, at least she's not being a bitch anymore to me.  So that's something, right?  Let her have her fantasies.  At least she's not making my life a living hell anymore.  And that's all I can ask for.  

I just thought this was quite funny, so I wanted to share it.  I need a nap now as I feel like balls because my POTS keeps acting up and I keep getting headaches and sleep attacks.  Ugh.  

Whooeee.  Life's been crazy in our house this past month (and more).  Not with my mother, so much.  A little bit, but nothing narcissism-wise.  She needs knee replacements, she doesn't quality for them, and now they're pressing her to do in-person physical therapy twice a week for whatever amount of time and we literally cannot do that.  Esp. since the office has particular times that we can't make it to.  So, sadly, she's fucked.  I am not happy about this.  I don't like my mother, but I do care about her well-being and I do not want her to suffer.  Esp. since, the fix is easy: Medicare needs to allow for physical rehab afterwards.  But they will only do that if she's hospitalized.  Sigh.  

Then we have me: I either have another kidney stone, or the one I've had since Dec. hasn't passed.  And if it doesn't pass in three weeks, I will need to have a procedure to remove it (it's called surgery, but they don't open you up, it's just a probe and laser in your urethra to break it up).  

And even though my gastritis keeps flaring (minimally--finally!) it's been getting soooo much better, thank goodness.  I can eat more foods now.  I am thinking of adding peanut butter to my list eventually.  I have to add food back into my diet very slowly and only one at a time, otherwise my stomach is a mess.  But I am very grateful it's been on the mend finally.  

And last night we spent the entire night in the ER with my son, who I found out passed out on the floor last night.  When I woke him, he was barely responding to me and could not form words.  He is not an alcoholic, but it does run on his father's side of the family (pretty thickly, I might add) and he really needs to watch what choices he makes.  He's a great person and sometimes likes to indulge in weed or drinking (usually he and his brother drink with their friends online on weekends), but last night?  I have no idea what happened.  Neither does he.  He didn't think he drank that much---but he had a Four Loco, and he barely remembers drinking a second one and (along with some beers beforehand) and it didn't hit him all at once.  In fact, he was drunk at a normal level for HOURS before the Four Locos hit him and he passed out and fell off his chair.  He's lucky he didn't get a concussion or worse.  We're also lucky I went to tell him goodnight, otherwise he could have...well, you know what could have happened.  Like I said, he's not a drinker.  But he's also not a lightweight when it comes to drinking (that also runs on his father's side).  So how this happened as bad as it did, well, he never wants to drink those Four Locos again, that's for sure.  Geezus.  That was scary.  My uncle died this way.  Granted, my uncle went on a bender and drank himself to death (while completely naked), but that's how it happened.  He choked on his own vomit.  My son almost did that as a toddler.  It was the middle of the night and I got up to pee and heard noises from his room and found him on his back choking.  He could have died (and that's why I coslept with my kids until they were old enough to want to sleep on their own).  

And that's why people should never live alone.  Thank you for coming to my TED Talk.

Anyways. Now he feels like shit and will be in bed all day.  

My mother has been a good girl lately.  I think she should have another cat scan to see if she's had any recent strokes.  She got a new doctor because her doctor tried to not prescribe her medication she needs to live a normal life, claiming we need to get it filled through a specialist.  Even though HE was the one who said to fill it through him and we have for years.  But out of the blue he just decided to stop.  No warning.  Nothing.  So, I am done with him.  My mother tried to protest, but she literally hates him but since I hate him she wants to keep seeing him.  It's so fucking childish.  But I told her what he did and she agreed to see the new one.  

Well, I just had Walmart delivered, so I need to go bring it in.  But that's all for now.  Oh yes, I also have to go under for an ablation next month, so that's two procedures I need to have done in a short amount of time, both under anesthesia.  I may not need the kidney stone one, but I do need to the ablation.  Ugh.  I just wish this would pass and I catch it in that little screened funnel they gave me so we can see what it's made from so we can prevent another from happening.  I hate peeing in that thing.  And I have to take it with me places!!  It's so awkward to use and I have to wash it after every use and I don't have a sink in my bathroom right now.  Well, it's better than being in pain, so I guess I can't complain about that.  I was in pain for so long.  So I am very VERY grateful I am so much better right now.  

Okay, that's enough.  Gotta go get my groceries.   

Well, the whole "forgiving my mother" thing I haven't really been active with...minus the fact that I do see her dementia causing her to do things she normally doesn't do (like forgetting how to make oatmeal) and it makes me sad.  But beyond that, she's been annoying the hell out of me by asking other people to take her to her appointments other than my husband.  No reason.  She just don't want to "put him out".  It's freaking irritating.  Thank goodness my son's sleeping schedule got messed up other she'd be bothering him at 7:30 am to take her to her lab appointment tomorrow.  

My son will NEVER take my mother anywhere, unless I come with.  She's a horrible person to him and has been for his entire life and he's made the decision to never go anywhere with her.  Not even with us as a family.  Oh boy, I tried to take her to a garden place with us and he had a total meltdown about it.  I couldn't have been more proud :)  

For real.  He's a very forgiving person and has always thought I was harsh in the way I treat people (I have boundaries--he used to not have them for himself).  But now he has built boundaries with her and now never wants anything to do with her hasn't for over a year.  I think last May for Mother's Day and her birthday was his last straw.  We do everything for her.  EVERYTHING.  And she had the nerve to shit-talk my husband to her BFF Christmas and because of that (I heard her when she did it), my mother didn't get any gifts that month for anything.  No Mother's Day or birthday gifts, no cards.  Nothing.  I was so freaking angry.  And my son saw just how toxic she was, that nobody was safe from her wrath and he's been done with her ever since.  

And I don't blame him.  

She thinks he will take her to get her haircut, to her appointments, etc.  Like her little personal chauffeur.  And she needs to stop, as he'll never once take her anywhere, ever again.  I am proud of him for sticking to his guns.  Also, she gives him extreme anxiety.  And he's been super anxious lately.  So, I am not going to make anything worse for him by asking him to take her places (plus, I wouldn't ask him anyways).  She just thinks we're all at her beck and call.  And we're not.  My husband takes her to her appointments, and I come with if she needs a haircut or has to go somewhere special (like a funeral, which is why she's getting her haircut, her old friend died and his funeral is soon).  And that's it.  My other son doesn't drive and even if he did, he wouldn't take her either.  

I am sorry, but how often did she take my kids places?  How many times did she have them over for dinner (when we all know she had enough food) or did a single thing for my kids???  I will bring that up to her one day.  Especially if she asks why they won't take her.  "I don't want my kids to take you anywhere."  She'll ask why and I'll say "Well, how often did you do anything for them?  How often did you promise to do things for them but never followed through?  How often did you take them places or hung out with them?  How many times did you ask them to come over to play a board game or watch a movie?  Even when they lived in your house with me?  How often did you just hang out with my kids?  Or take them to THEIR appointments?  Or even come with to their appointments?  Not once.  Never.  You took me to my appointments when I couldn't drive, not happily, buy you did sometimes.  And so I took you to all your appointments for years.  I even made them for you.  But you messed that up so now my husband takes you.  That's the only person who will ever take you to your appointments.  So stop asking!"  If she asks how she messed it up, I will say "You were rude to me and about me to the people we were seeing.  You treated me badly, so I stopped taking you."  

And that's that.  

In order to forgive my mother, I need to work on my anger towards her for the things she's done to me.  And I honestly have no idea if I can do that.  It took me TWELVE years after my father's death to forgive him and move on.  I think it may take that long with my own mother, too.  I don't think I can forgive her while living with her, and maybe not even while she's still here on earth.  My mother was horrible to me for longer than my father was.  And even though the things my father did were HUGE things (like a knife gashing me every so often), my mother's things she did were like little needles poking at me every single day of my life, over and over again.  Eventually those needle holes became huge gaping wounds that never stopped hurting and never stopped getting bigger.  

I want to forgive her for my own sake.  But how?  How can I when she's still poking me with needles every now and then?  

Like I said before in my post about my kids going to Germany this coming summer, my kids got tickets to see Rammstein in their homeland (my kids are only a little German, but I meant the band's homeland).  And recently my mother had looked at me and said "Well, what are we going to do while their gone??  Your husband will be at work and we'll be all alone!!  We should plan to do some fun stuff!"  

Someone.  Please.  Help.  Me.  

I didn't want to tell her the truth.  I mean, I wish I could, but it would be rude and wrong and mean.  But at least it would be the truth.  I am not mean, rude, or cruel.  I am not her.  But here are the things I wish I could say to that request of hers:

• I can't hang out with you alone because you are not my safe person.  You CAUSE me anxiety, rather than calm it.  So I can't be alone with with you.  Like ever.  
• You are cruel.  You have been nothing but cruel to me and my oldest son since our births.  What makes you think that I want to hang out with my abuser?
• You only want to "hang out with me" so you can dictate what we do and control me, just like you used to back in the day.  I think you want to relive the "old days" with me, back when YOU were in charge of my life.
• What makes you think I'd ever want to spend a day alone with you, much less a week?  You have never apologized for one thing you've ever done wrong to me and you never once corrected the fact that you told everyone I was lying about the abuse I endured growing up in our household.  You've also never once apologized for telling all your friends that I was lying about being raped, when they shouldn't have even known about it in the first place.  You told them all I was a whore.  And now you deny ever saying it, because all but one person who heard it is dead,.  Tell me again why you think I'd even remotely like you after doing such shitty things?
• I don't like you.  I care about your well-being as a person, but I do not like you at all, much less love you.  Why would I want to have "girl-time" with an old, rude, cruel, and mean narcissist that I don't like?  
• Why would I choose to hang out with you over my husband?  Don't be an idiot.
• You always tell my youngest son that he needs to go to culinary school and be a chef when you see him cooking.  YET whenever you see my oldest cooking you tell him he's doing it wrong, just like you used to do with me.  Why would I want to hang out with a person who treats my children so shittily?  Also, you've never once said I should go to any school, ever, even when I showed promise as a musician or an artist.  So why do you say that him?  Oh, if I ever have the "pleasure" of hanging out with you alone one day?  I will bring that up and tell you how stupid you sound saying it.  Even my youngest son thinks it sounds fake as fuck.  
• I just can't wrap my head around why on earth you'd think, after all you've done to me, my kids, my husband, and everyone else in your life, that I'd want to spend a second with you??  You see me leave the room when you come into the room, and you know I don't like you.  So stop pretending we're buddies.  We never were.  You were my abuser who controlled everything we did together (even when I was a kid).  I didn't know any better back then.  And I will tell you that if ever bring the fact that we used to hang out all the time together.  
• No thank you.  
• *laughs incessantly*  Oh wait, you're serious?  Oh.  Sorry.  But no.  *leaves room*
• You made your bed with me.  You chose this.  The way I feel towards you now is your own fault.  Not mine.  I didn't do any of this.  I didn't do anything to you.  All I ever did was fail you, over and over, since I was old enough to think for myself.  Nothing I've ever done has been good enough for you.  But now I look back and realize I was trying to please a potato!  A potato cannot be pleased.  It's a freaking potato for goodness sake!  Why did I ever think that a potato could parent me, love me, or treat me well?  It's a potato!  Potatoes aren't capable of any of those things.  All they can do is be a potato.  Well, I am done hanging out with potatoes.  I am done trying to make starchy tuber happy.  And I feel so stupid that I ever cared what a potato thought of me.  Doesn't that sound crazy??  It sounds like a crazy person, doesn't it?  To try to make a potato happy or to make one proud of you?  That's crazy-making.  I am so done with that.  I am now only here to provide you with care: to keep you physically safe, feed you, clean up after you, wash your clothes, and provide a home for you to live in.  That's my job.  That's it.  By being a potato, you've proved that I am worth nothing to you unless you need me.  And that's not a mother-daughter relationship, now is it?  That's a caretaker/patient relationship.  So that's what we are.  And when you don't need the care I provide for you, I am free to do what I like.  I am under obligation to provide you with entertainment.  I am sorry if you don't see it this way, but this the exact way you made it.  I didn't create this dynamic between us, you did.  And because of that, we're not buddies.  We're not friends.  I am your caretaker.  If you need a friend, call your BFF Christmas.