I really thought I could do this.  I really thought that after our conversation the other day she "got it" and understood why I won't speak to my mother.  *sigh*  Turns out, I was so very, very wrong.

So, the other day she tells me that my mother asked if I was going to come down and fix her computer.  I have no idea why my mother would think this, other than she's batshit crazy.  But apparently, she did.  My friend asked me to go do it.  I said "No, I am not going to help her do anything at all.  She can go have her computer fixed."  So she goes back to my mother's house and she asked my friend if I was going to come down.  My friend said "no".  So my mother said "I guess she's mad at me."  (?????  I haven't spoken to her in two months...what a strange thing to say...).  My friend replied "No, she's not mad at you, she just thinks your toxic and she can't be around you anymore."

I thought to myself, oh my goodness, she finally gets it!!  Hooray!  Then we talked about how my mother would never change and how she's a bad friend to her (our mutual friend).  So I thought, phew!  No more explaining!

I was so wrong.  Because last night that same mutual friend calls me and says "I think she wants to make up."  I said "Why?"  "Because I feel that she does."  I said "So?  I don't want to have anything to do with her, you know that."  "But what if she apologizes?  What if she admits to everything?"  Here we go again.

Last night was like starting over from day one.  And today, I have to set her straight.  Today, I have to do something I positively hate: confront her.  I thought I could get by not saying anything, that she'd just forget about it, but apparently I that's not the case.  And I have to basically tell her that it's none of her business.  And I have to tell her to stop talking about me, my past, my present, my kids, my hubby, everyone in my household to my mother.  And she has to stop talking about my mother to me. I have to tell her that I DO NOT CARE to know one damn thing about what's going on my mother's life.  And I am freaked out about having to do this.

And I am also scared of still being her friend.  I am scared she will secretly tell my mother everything I say.

*sigh*  She's my only friend.  I thought I could trust her.  But again, I am seeing something that isn't there....she throws my mother a birthday party, yet doesn't even get me a card or call me on mine (we're a week a part, and she knew it was my 40th this year).  She goes garage sale-ing with my mother, but never asks me.  She goes out to eat with my mother, but never asks me.  She goes shopping at stores with my mother, but never asks me.  Actually, she only ever wants to see me when she needs something done.  Which is exactly what my mother did.

I hate always feeling like the person good enough to use for help with something (like my old friend, the only other friend I've had in years--she'd call me to go do sneaky stuff, but then would drop me off at home to go out with her REAL friends) but never good enough to actually want something do with.  And she only ever calls me to gossip about my mother.  I use that time to try to make her see why I can't be around my mother anymore, but that's not a real friendship.

So, I have to walk away from my only friend.  My last friend.  Because she's stressing me out just as much as my mom was.  I think that's why I've held onto her for so long.  Even though she's doing damage to my life.

The flying monkey who didn't know she was one........now I realize she does know, on some level.  She's making it her complete and total business to interfere with my mother and me.  It's none of her business.  Yet she's making it ALL her business.  I can't do this anymore.  And I can't trust her in the least to not share my life with my mother.  I thought I made this decision before, to walk away from her, but I thought if she could just "get it", we'd be okay.  I can clearly see now she can't "get it" and never will.

Uggghh.

I just so tired of narcissists, flying monkeys, and their agendas.  So, very, very tired of it.