I just recently red the memoir by Leah Remini called Troublemaker about her split with Scientology.  I read that sucker in THREE days, which is a huge thing for me to read a book that fast.  But I found it so fascinating that I just could not put it down.  In comparison to Mindy Kahling's book Why Not Me that I read right before Troublemaker--which took me over a week to finish, this book was an actual story, whereas Kahling's book was a book of essays (though it had more of a plot than her previous book Is Everyone Hanging Out Without Me, which was completely essay-style).

I did love both books, but I identified not only with Remini's story, but also her as a person (we both tend to swear a lot and get angry more often than we like).  And like Remini, I was indoctrinated into the lies that were being told around me from a very young age (as were most of you who are reading this blog).  As children of narcissists, we believed our parent's lies, stories, and were told "without me, you are nothing", which is the same for people who are involved in cults like Scientology.  We are told we aren't good enough, and we aren't allowed to be who we are, we are only allowed to be who our mothers (or the church) says we are.  Thinking for ourselves?  Are you nuts?  And, like with cults, you aren't allowed to question your authorities.  If you do, there will be HELL to pay.  You WILL be punished.  Leah was punished by having to spend 12 hours a day in her church getting audited (google what that is in Scientology) and having expensive security checks done on her.

Various ways in which I've been punished are: having her ignore me for months on end because I shared secrets of our life when I was growing up with the general public (on a different blog--which is why I am anonymous here so I don't have to put up with anyone's BS about it--her ignoring me is how this blog started, you can go to the beginning and read about my journey from there to here); her punishing my children at Christmas because my oldest had "supposedly" said some shit about her during that time she was ignoring me and ended up getting him an $8 RC car and bought his brother $100 worth of toys and other stuff (she made a bid deal about parading around how much his brother got--we returned everything and split the money between the kids); humiliating me in front of family members, strangers, and friends when I was on her bad side for saying something or doing something she didn't like (or just because she felt like it); slapping me in the face for screaming at her to stop it when she was (once again) calling me perverted for co-sleeping with my kids (we had just left their father and was living with her, they were scared to sleep alone, so I'd sometimes sleep next to them when they needed me to--they were 3 and 8); as a child she would change her mind about taking me somewhere and pretend like I did something wrong so she could say it was my fault (but I had done nothing---this always severely confused me as a kid...I thought that me just being alive must be a reason to be punished with how she acted); she used to refuse my son to be able to drive her car because he would leave wrappers in her living room occasionally that she had to clean up (if she'd just ask him to do it, he would have,-and when he learned about this happening, he cleaned them up-but she loved to lord something over you that she knew you wanted or needed); she promised to help me pay the down payment on my son's braces--but she got mad at me for something, and refused to help out, so we had to put down less and now we can't afford the payments (they are $100 more a month)--then she promised to help out with the payments and never does; but the one of the worst things she did was when she was really angry with me she called and reported my debit card stolen so the next time I went to the store to use it, it not only refused to work, but came up lost or stolen--I was afraid I was going to get arrested for using my own card!  Granted I had no idea how that worked, and nobody called the police LOL  But the things that run through your mind when your in a situation like that are scary because you never know how far they'll go to hurt you.

And like Remini, everyone around me had to choose: me or mom (though Remini's family and friends had to choose: her or Scientology).  You either believe the truth, or keep safe with the lies.  Nobody believed me at first about my mother because "Mom's aren't supposed to do things like that!"  We're taught from a young age that a mother's love is unconditional.  We're taught that moms ALWAYS love their children.  And that's simply not the case.  A very large amount of mothers out there will easily drop their children if the need arises.  And then they will then blame their children for being the ones who are hurting them, just Scientology will blame the ones who speak out against them and make them look bad.  That part is called a smear campaign, something the victims of both are very familiar with.  My ex went on a smear campaign both when I divorced him and when he decided to give up his rights to our children.  You know when a SC is going on because people who once were nice to you are now giving you the cold shoulder or are spreading their own lies about you.

Another thing both do is called triangulation.  When someone wants control over the situation (namely, YOU), they will go to other people and try to get them on their side in order to turn everyone against you.  This is honestly what a smear campaign does:  they tell everyone what's going on between you two, so then the third person has to pick a side.  And they will do everything they can in order to get the to pick theirs.  If this reminds you of high school, it's because it really is.  Both the narcissist and the people running the organization (who are most likely--okay 100%--narcissists themselves) haven't matured past the age of 17.  It's like being around perpetual teenage girls.  Though they are dangerous teenage girls with the ability to ruin your life if they feel like it.

Scientology and narcissism seem to both also have their flying monkeys.  These are people who are loyal to the cause (mother or the cult) who will pretend to be on your side just so they can report back to headquarters on what you say and/or do.  They are sneaky, underhanded, and pretty fucking evil.  And problem is that we think we can trust them.  My mom's flying monkey went back and told my mom EVERYTHING I said after mother and I had our huge blowout (when & why this blog started) and it made our lives that much more of a living hell.  

And in the end, you can see Remini go through the same exact emotional turmoil that we all did when we realized our mothers were the imposters we suspected they always were.  She felt lost, confused, and wondered if she was making the right choice by walking away.  We've all been there.  We know just how she feels.  And to keep away?  Is the most noble choice one can make when dealing with both narcs and cults.  Though not all of us can stay away completely all the time.  But sometimes just knowing the truth is enough to make things better.

So either narcissism is like a cult or a cult is run like narcissism.  Since both are run by narcissists, seems absolutely plausible why both are exactly the same.  If you ever research Jonestown, you'll see just how much all cults run on the same exact rules and regulations.

I am better off having read Leah Remini's book, and I find it amazingly brave for her to speak out about her experiences with Scientology.  I learned more about why this form of control works from so many angles and how it takes a team to keep something like this running (which is why mother needs her flying monkeys).  When people start wising up, the facade is broken down, and there is no control left.  If you check out my facebook page, you can see oodles of articles on how you can lift that control with your own mothers/coworkers/spouses/exes/friends/etc.  None were written by me, but there is so much information out there, we're so lucky to be living in a time when narcissism recognition and cult recognition are on the rise.  The information is out there, all we have to do is click on Google.  But this book?  It can help you to stay strong and know you're making the right choices by walking away.  And it will help you to realize you're not alone.  That it doesn't matter if you're poor, rich, what race you are, or what your job is: we can all be duped by something or someone we love.  And it can break our hearts.  And we can put those pieces back together to become stronger, wiser, and better than ever before.

I've come so far in my journey as a victim of narcissistic abuse.  We all have.  Even if you've just found out.  Even if you've just walked away from a cult that you thought was nurturing your well-being.  Just by knowing the truth, we've won.

And that, my friend, is best thing in the world.  The truth will set us free.



You can buy Leah Remini's book here: (not an affiliate link, just a link)

Read it.  You won't be sorry.

If you're reading this, then you know exactly what I am talking about.  While the rest of the world is celebrating the wonderful ladies that gave them life, we're stuck over here freaking out about what to buy that doesn't "say" the wrong thing or if she should buy anything at all.  And for some of us, Mother's Day isn't only a day that brings great anxiety, but also dread, depression, sadness, sorrow, and for a small amount of us: all-out terror.

Luckily, I am not at that point with her this year.  It's still a game we're playing right now: she pretends to be nice because she needs my help and I pretend to be nice because I need her help.  We're civil, with her taking potshots at me an my family whenever she can.  We ignore it, as if she's a mentally ill child who doesn't know any better.

But no matter where you are at with your own narc mother, Mother's Day isn't so easy.  Both my hubby and I had to sit and look through oodles and oodles of cards to buy for our mothers that had the right wording on them.  Choosing "best mom ever!" or "Mom of the YEAR!" or something similar conveyed a message that we actually thought these things.  I ended up deciding on a card that said "Thanks for all you do" and my hubby got one that said "Hope your day is great".  And both of us used to take the time to have each of us sign each card (all four members of our immediate household) and now we just sign it ourselves, signing everyone else's names (me for my mom and him for his).  We're sending a message (even though a slightly hidden message) that they aren't worth our time to spend writing cutesy messages or have each person take part in their gifts.  My mom got a $.99 used picture frame with a pic I took of us in it earlier in the day and hubby's mom got a $4 petunia plant from Walmart.

My mother's birthday is tomorrow so I have an Xmas present I forgot to give her that she's getting tomorrow.  My birthday is a week from tomorrow and I worry she will ruin it, as she has for so many years (in 2006 she slapped in the face in front of my kids the day before my birthday and chased me around to attack me again while I called 911--who never answered).  I just hope it goes by without a hitch.

For each mom, we spent a total of 30 min. each with them on Mother's Day.  I used to plan huge things for my mom, once sending her on a scavenger hunt with my MIL at the time (she's my ex-MIL now) that included flowers, brunch, and a makeover.  Can you say codependent?  LOL  I was trying to win her love so badly, and all she did was complain how horrible it was.  She's ungrateful and LOVES to complain to make you feel bad, no matter what the issue/gift/etc. is.  That's why we're both done with grand gestures for our moms.  My mom is just rude and obnoxious and his mom loves to complain how" he almost killed her when he was born".  Yay.

Same will go for Father's Day with his dad.  It's only fun to celebrate Mother's and Father's Days between us and our kids.  And that goes for most holidays.

So, how was your Mother's Day?  If you're a mom, do you concentrate on you instead of her?  I hope so.  If you're not a mom, do you just ignore the day all together?  Or are you in a situation where you're forced to celebrate with her?  If so, what do you do?

The big question: How do you want this day to change for you?  What would make it better?



Let me know below.  And I hope it went by with good feelings and happiness.  If not, we get it.  We've all been there (or will be).  Just know you're not alone and we're all here for you.