Last night, my therapist says I can have a relationship with my mother, I just have to set boundaries.

Like, if she gets condescending or crappy, just hang up on her.

I told her though "every word she says is laced with lies and condescension, I can't really hang up on her every moment we speak." 

She said "Just set boundaries." 

I said "But you don't understand.  This will take years of not talking to her at all so I can heal first.  I cannot heal if I have any conversation with her at all.  If she makes me angry to hang up on her, then I will be angry again, and not healing.  I need no contact with her." 

She said yes, but when I am ready......

But, will I ever be ready?  Nothing she says to me ever again will feel "normal".  I can't trust her.  I can't believe her.  I can't listen to her speak without taking each word and picking it apart for lies and condescension. 

So, my ultimate question is: who does it benefit to have a relationship with her? 

Who does it benefit?  Me?  Not in the least.  Her?  Yes. 

So even if I don't talk to her for years, what will having a relationship with her do for me in the future?  Will she "be my mother?"  Will she fulfill that role?   No, never.  She will never ever fulfill that role for me.

So what, then?  Why would I want my mother in my life if she can't be my mother?

Maybe one day I can see her as an acquaintance or something similar, but right now, I am still mourning the loss of a mother. 

I am still angry.  I am still in shock.  I am still sad. 

And I will be for a very long time.

And having any kind of relationship with her in the future will only benefit her and relationships are supposed to be 2-way streets and I don't play that way anymore.  I used to sit and let people walk all over me, but for the past few years, I've learned to stand my ground and speak my mind.  And with her, it will be no different. 

Even if she thinks she's my mother.  

UPDATE 2021: I don't have a relationship with her.  I do live with her, but I refuse to infuse myself with her in the least.  And I was absolutely right about everything I said above.  100%.

A Big Bag of Nuts, Narcissist in a Nutshell (Part 1)

July 20, 2013 at 11:52am

The research is still up in the air, is NPD an inherent trait, a product from childhood, or both.  NPD is a personality disorder that is usually symbolized by a man or woman looking in the mirror.  If you ask someone who has never intimately known a narcissist, they may say someone who possesses an extreme amount of self-love.  Ironically, the Narc wants you to believe they are confident and love who they are.  Totally not the case.   The DSM V lists the following as criteria for being diagnosed as NPD.

1.  Identity: Excessive reference to others for self-definition and self-esteem regulation; exaggerated self-appraisal inflated or deflated, or vacillating between extremes; emotional regulation mirrors fluctuations in self-esteem.
2. Self-direction: Goal setting based on gaining approval from others; personal standards unreasonably high in order to see oneself as exceptional, or too low based on a sense of entitlement; often unaware of own motivations.
3. Empathy: Impaired ability to recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of others; excessively attuned to reactions of others, but only if perceived as relevant to self; over- or underestimate of own effect on others.
4. Intimacy: Relationships largely superficial and exist to serve self-esteem regulation; mutuality constrained by little genuine interest in others’ experiences and predominance of a need for personal gain.
5.  Grandiosity (an aspect of Antagonism): Feelings of entitlement, either overt or covert; self-centeredness; firmly holding to the belief that one is better than others; condescension toward others.
6. Attention seeking (an aspect of Antagonism): Excessive attempts to attract and be the focus of the attention of others; admiration seeking.

The narcissist lives in the land of pretend.  They are in a permanent identity crisis.  The root cause has not been identified, however, I suspect nurture with the propensity to be NPD from nature.  They constantly stay in their “safe place” where they don’t have to face the truth. The stay in a permanent identity crisis, they have no clue who they really are.  They boast about themselves, but on the inside they are insecure as hell.  The only thing that matters is the reflection and attention shone on them by others.  Everyone is a mirror. They want attention 24/7 and will compulsively compete against anyone, including a baby, to get it.  Their feelings and rights are all that matter.  They want the respect, honor, courtesy, gratitude, credit, encouragement, love, cheer, trust, apologies, sympathy, fidelity and admiration.  However, they give back nothing.   They deny everyone around them the right to be a human being.  They get it all and everyone else gets none.  Compare them to a drug addict trying to get a fix.  I dare you to go take the last bit of heroin from someone who has no money to get more.  I probably won’t hear from you again.  Instead of heroin, the narcissist’s drug is attention.  They will do anything, so they get it all and you get nada.

 Beyond anything you ever imagined they have ill will towards people who are not even a threat to them.   They are hostile and bitter towards everyone, including children.   For example, imagine if you thought of everyone in the world like you do your ex.  That is what they feel.  They have an unwarranted hatred towards everyone. They want to feel like God, superior to all beings.  They can only feel like this if everyone is beneath them.  No one can threaten their superiority. Do they believe their own lies?  They not only believe them, they are living one big lie.   It is one big illusion.  They must always be greater, cuter, smarter, more popular, etc.  That is why their life is so hectic. It is a constant race to get what they want from those who have it.  They are envious of everyone but pretend everyone is envious of them.

The narcissist lives in constant fear of being exposed.  They would rather die than face their inner self.  If you were that sick would you want people to know?   People ask all the time if they are the narc.  They give unjustified reasons why they think it might be them, usually because they were made to feel that way by the narc.  That is how it’s pretty easy to comfort their fears.  Narcs don’t look inward.  They don’t face the demons in their non-existent soul.  They avoid being alone most of the time to deter facing the truth.  Self-reflection is healthy and usually happens in solitude.  A Narc refuses to self-reflect so they must keep their mind busy all the time. Too much time alone and bored may mean that little voice in their head talks to them.  They don’t want to hear it ever.  For example, when I left my Narc, he spent every day and night in a casino gambling.  Since he didn’t have a new target yet, this prevented him from facing himself.

A narcissist has no shame and no guilt.  They will bring down a husband, wife, boyfriend, girlfriend, child, coworker, or friend anytime anywhere.  They don’t even have to be provoked.  If that person has something they want they will say or do anything to get what they want.  Their need to believe they are God supersedes their conscience. (If they even have one) They believe they are superior.  Everyone is insignificant in their eyes; similar to if we pour poison on an ant pile and never think twice about it.  Unless you are idolizing them, making them feel superior, they have no need for you.   It’s easy for them.  All they need is their big mouth and evil ideas.  They will do this without a second thought because it is all about their script in life and what they want.
In short, they are predators.  They want it all and will never settle for not getting it.

Manipulating people is what they do best.   Type on your keyboard, walk to the kitchen, ride a bike, I’d bet you are not constantly thinking about what you are doing.  You are not saying in your head, “pick up foot, bend knee, lean forward, put foot down, etc.”  This is a natural learning.  Manipulation is natural learning for Narcs.  That is why they are so good at it.  Anyone can learn how to do what they do if they want to be evil but they will never be as good at it.  How did they get so good?  Practice, Practice, Practice.  They have been practicing since birth.  They subtly control your mind.   They are so good at it they can fool psychiatrists and pass lie detector tests.  Nothing is the truth, all a big show in their game of pretend.   The only thing altered is fine tuning the manipulation to each person they encounter.   They watch everything you do, listen to every word you say and mold their manipulation to you.  They are interested in your reactions, not you.  They could care less about half the things you tell them, it’s filtered out.

You might think, wow they are smarter than I thought. Um no.  My ex was a dumbass.   Just like walking, manipulation doesn’t take a genius.   Observant and perceptive, maybe, but they don’t have to have an IQ of 120 to do this.  It is how they have survived all this time.  

My delusional self almost wants to believe that narcissism is one big secret.  Considering that 1 in 25/28 people are Narcissists, how in the world have so many of us never heard this exists.  Smart, educated people, fooled by them, partly because we had no clue.  I am fairly sure you have told someone you were involved with a narcissist and you got the, “Dang you’re bat shit crazy” look.   This is why we need to get the word out, educate the public, and hopefully change their attitudes.  I don’t know about you, but having these people in positions of authority scares the hell out of me.  Luckily, predators can be scared away fairly easy, if you know they are predators.  If the second they take a step towards you they see you are wary, they will move on to an easier prey.  That is why we need to educate so no one will be “easy prey” and they can’t take advantage of anyone, thus preventing them from ruining the lives of everyone they come in contact with.   This is real and it’s spooky, and if I wouldn’t know any better, I’d think they were dropped here from another planet.

I climbed a mountain and I turned around

And I saw my reflection in the snow covered hills
'Till the landslide brought me down

Oh, mirror in the sky
What is love?
Can the child within my heart rise above?
Can I sail thru the changing ocean tides?
Can I handle the seasons of my life?

Mmm Mmm...

Well, I've been afraid of changing
'Cause I've built my life around you
But time makes you bolder
Children get older
I'm getting older too"

I am about ready to snap.  So today........the lovely lady from down the street put a letter on my car (my mother) and said she will never change, and she WOULD go to counseling with me, but it better be "cheap or free" (when she has LOADS of money to spend on all the shit she buys, but not on our relationship), and how I NEVER gave her any indication that I had a terrible childhood  and was always under the impression I was happy (WHAAA????? Fucking gaslighting, again), and that she will never forgive my son for calling her names (her neighbor lied and told her my son called her names).  And now the ball is my court. 

This was AFTER I left her a message and said I am done with her.

But she always has to get the last word in.

And now put it all on me to make the choice......but thing is, I ALREADY INFORMED HER OF MY CHOICE. 

I am not going to back to her.  I am done.

Esp. after what she said in this letter.....

I told my husband, I have to look at it this way: She is mentally ill and will say all sorts of messed up crap to make herself feel better.  I will treat her as if she's mentally retarded, because in reality, she kinda is. 

I want to dispute all the stupid crap in her letter, BUT what will that do?  What will that change?  What will that help? 

Not a damn thing. 

So then here I am, stuck with doing nothing.

And that's okay.  I don't need to explain to her that some of what she said were blatant lies, or that some of what she was messed up and no mother or grandmother should act like that, or that she's just freaking nuts. 

Know why? 

Cause it won't change anything.

I am just done.  This is not an "argument" with her, this is the end.  The end of our relationship. 

It was so hard to think of that in the beginning, but now?  Its getting pretty damn clear that I am better off this way, and so is my family. 

I just wish she'd leave me alone. 

1. Acceptance
2. Denial 
3. Bargaining
4. Anger
5. Depression

• I would like a mother who listens to me.  Who doesn't tell me "What you need to do is....." without even listening or letting me finish.  Just one who listens, and doesn't tell me what to do.
• I would like a mother who doesn't interrupt me, or walk off while I am talking to her.  One who engages in conversation with me and really hears me.
• I would like a mother who is loving to her grandchildren, my children.  One who accepts and supports my kids no matter what.  They always say "I wish we had Mike's grandma" or "I wish your birthmother lived closer, she's an awesome grandma."  A mother who just does things with my kids on a whim, because she knows how much they'd enjoy doing stuff with her. 
• I would like a mother who is actually interested in me.  I mean actually.  One who is actually proud of me, and doesn't take me down a notch every time I do something in order to put me in my place. 
• I would like a mother who who defends me.  And doesn't defend everyone else when I am angry at someone, instead of me.  She has only defended me a few times in my life, usually she always sides with the other person, even if she doesn't know them.
• I would like a mother who is flexible.  My mother makes the world revolve around her on her own time clock.  She says "Be outside by 8am sharp!  Or else this bus is leaving without you!" and she shows up at 7:55 and gets pissy when you're not out there waiting, even when there is no reason to be somewhere at a certain time.
• I wish I had a mother who supports and helps me with my anxiety.  NEVER ONCE has my mother offered to help me with my anxiety.  I haven't driven in 3 years because of it (for the last year I've been driving little places here and there) and NOT ONCE has she offered to help me drive again.  "You're not taking MY car on the road" she said recently (actually the day before all this happened), but she'd let me take her car alone, just not with her in it.  
• I wish had a mother that valued me for who I was, not what I did for her.  With my mother, if you don't do what she asks, you are lower than shit and she'll throw a baby fit and stomp out of the room.  PLUS she'll threaten you (she's famous for this one) "I WAS going to do something for you, but you just blew it!"
• I wish I had a mother as child who wanted to have adventures with me.  It was like once I turned around 8 years old, she just gave up.  No more horse back riding.  No more anything fun at all.  It was "Go find something to do" and sent me away to go play alone or with my friends.  When all I never wanted was my mother.  Even as an adult.  Every time I suggest something to do its always "Nah, you go do that with your family."  "But mom, you are my family."  "Nah."  I want a mom that says "Wow!  That sounds like fun!"
• I wish I had a mother that followed thru.  When she would actually get hair-up-her-ass-idea to do something amazing, she'd always pretend the next day like it was a stupid idea.  She'd get me all riled up and then just always disappoint me.  I have a tendency to do this, get great ideas and then just lose interest.  I got that from her, I see.
• I wish I had a mother who could accept criticism and admit her faults as easily as I do.   Granted, it hasn't been an easy road, but I can admit all my faults.....perhaps after an initial denial for like literally minutes (not days or anything), and I sit with a criticism (which hurts me) and then I think and say "Hmmmmmm....I can totally see their point."  And then I work on how to fix it.  My mother has no faults.  Well, at least according to her.
• I wish I had mother.  A real one.

• Gaslighting
• Invalidation
• Infantalization
• Parentification/Parentalization
• Scapegoating
• Golden Child
• Triangulation

When you see the Tower in a reading, you may feel afraid, shaken and insecure. It is a time of great turmoil and destruction as you seek to understand how you could have been so wrong, so naive, or so blind about a particularly situation. And now, what will you do and how will you manage in the face of this shocking truth? You may be experiencing sleepless nights, depression, grief, anger and confrontation. These are normal reactions to major changes in your outer and inner worlds.

A Tower experience is any experience that shakes the foundation of your current sense of security and/or forces you to question your strongly-held beliefs, perceptions, attitudes and behaviours. It may be a divorce, death of a loved one, financial failure, health problems or job loss, or any event that penetrates to the core of your inner being, affecting you spiritually, mentally and physically. It is often descriptive of a major upheaval, disruption, emergency or crisis, and is likely to bring chaos in the aftermath of such an event.

If the Tower appears in your reading, ask yourself, “What structures in my life are breaking up?” No doubt you will already be very aware of where there is turmoil and destruction but sometimes it can be on a more subtle or subconscious level

.-- BiddyTarot.com

1. I DO NOT invite her into my house.  Even on my front porch.  She'll walk right in and say "OH!  I see you need me to come over and spend a day with you to help you clean your porch?"  And if I get annoyed with her and say something snippy, she get's pissed.  I used my dogs as an excuse for her not coming in.  They will jump all over her and hurt her.  Or so I tell her.
2.  I do not bring up any new ideas.  I don't discuss my future or anything at all with her that can give her the ability to say "That won't work" or talk about how stupid it is.
3. I leave my kids at home most days.  She's REALLY mean to them, always bitching about 1 little thing they've done wrong.  Grandparents usually want their grand kids around, esp. if they never get to see them. My mother sends them in the other room and doesn't want them around, and bitches if they do 1 little thing she doesn't like.  Especially if its my older son.  She can't bitch at me, so she takes it out on my 15 year old son.  And most times?  He refuses to be anywhere near her because of this.
4. I do as I am told.  I do not use her computer (she'll complain I am being lazy.....).  I go to her house to get stuff done for her, that's it.  
5. I don't discuss other people with her.  She LOVES to gossip and tear down all of her friends and our family members, but when I talk about someone in my life who's bothering me, she defends them, without even knowing them.  Classic narcissist tactic to make me feel like I am overreacting.
6. I don't show her my art.  When I do a painting (and she's done this her whole life), she'll say "Oh, yeah......this kinda......well, it looks strange right here.  Something......something's not right......"  I want to slap her when she does that.  So my art stays in my house.  BUT she'll sure tell other people what a great artist I am LOL  Another classic narcissist tactic.  Down me to my face, then brag me up to others.
7. I keep our conversations surface.  I don't talk about feelings.  Or anything that matters in real life.  That way, she can't say something stupid to piss me off.

A narcissist, whether they were in childhood or adulthood, will pretend to be a support person. They will feign being one of the metaphorical legs on a person's table. They will give signals, signs, and words that indicate reliability and care. This is to not only gain the trust of the target, but also to hone their image as a good person to others. 

So when it turns out, time after time, that they don't really have interest in the target's well-being, physically, mentally, emotionally or otherwise, it can be very hard to accept and grasp. This was one of my supports, I can't just remove it, I'll fall down! This was one of the legs of my table, the legs of my chair, the pilings on my pier. This was one of the load-bearing walls of my home. One of the wheels on my car. How can I take it down? I can't, I'll fall.

It's not actually true, of course; when one of the legs on a table is broken, we hold it up ourselves so it doesn't fall. When we sit on a broken chair, we put our weight only in one corner, balancing it on the three good legs. When the load bearing wall cracks, we place jacks to bear the weight. WE did it, we've been doing it all along. We've been supporting our own weight all along, they were just standing there pretending. We CAN do this, and we know it because we already HAVE been doing it for a long time. We just need to let go of the illusion that made us feel better, that we have been hold onto. We don't have to kick them out of our lives, unless we want to, we just need to look again at that support column. It's not them holding up the table, it's us, and it always was.--

Sanctuary for Awareness and Recovery

 

soon
enough
My Future
will be
now
and my scars will have grown into
sacred geometry

(circles of Dignity, pyramids of Will, vortices of Love)

I hide what I had to let go of in furrows
behind a tall gate
and I whisper wishes
into each victory seed
I plant –
every one this prayer:
Dear Infinity,
Breathe life into
my every kind of desire.

You have to accept they cannot change.

Dear Mom,

I am sorry you can't love yourself enough to love me.  I don't know who hurt you so badly you had to ruin so much of my life, but it must have been pretty damn bad in order to do and say the things you did.  But I want you to know.......I love you.  But I can't love you enough to make you love yourself, but I can love you from afar.  I can love you for what you are, and who you are, instead of what and who I wanted you to be.  That's why our relationship was so fucked up.......I loved you for what I wanted you to be.  Not for who you are.  But I am ready now.  You have a little girl inside of you who was hurt and forgotten somehow....so you had to make yourself the one that mattered.  But the problem was, you made it so you were the only one that mattered.   And while it hurts me to let you go, I just have to.  All my dreams and hopes for you: I have to let them go.  I can't hold on to my image of a "perfect mother" for you anymore.  And what are we left with instead?  I have to face the cold, hard facts that you are just not who I wanted you to be.  I have to accept that.  I will take these broken wings and learn to fly.....so sayeth the Beatles.  I love you, Mommy.  But I need to be free.

Love,
The Woman Who Can't Be Your Princess