We watched this movie today on Amazon Prime.  And wow.  That was on of the best movies I've seen in a long time!  And we watch loads of movies at our house.  Even my kids loved it.  I own her book, but never have read it.  I like watching movies before I read the book so that way nothing ever ruins the book (or the movie) that way.  It was powerful, kind, and everything we children of abusive parents wish for: good times and some very heavy closure.  

Now, I realize, that the book and the movie are not telling us the whole story.  There may be details she didn't want to share or possibly details forgotten throughout the years.  So I am not comparing my own story to hers in a way that is saying she had it better.  Of course she didn't have it better.  She lived her life and had to deal with starving for days at a time and other horrible atrocities, which is something I never had to deal with.  My life was pretty secure when it came to getting our bills paid (sort of), always having food on the table, living in one place for my entire childhood, and having clean clothes and a bed to sleep on.

Her father, like mine, was a very good man deep down inside.  Hers was the opposite of mine when it came to speaking: mine was silent and hardly ever praised me.  Both of our fathers had dealt with childhood trauma (possibly being molested) which they covered up with alcohol.   Her father definitely seemed to be bipolar, whereas mine had major depressive disorder.  Her father was educationally brilliant, mine was musically brilliant.  We both had nicknames they bestowed upon us we carried from childhood to adulthood: hers was Mountain Goat and mine was Bucky.  Both of our fathers physically abused our mothers when inebriated.  Yet her father sounded exactly like my mother when she confronted him about her childhood, almost word for word (which was gaslighting, a narcissistic trait--something her father didn't seem to be), and my father was always so readily able to admit when he did something wrong and apologize.  Although, my father sounded just like hers in that sense, but instead of saying "This is the last time, it will be different from now on" about moving, my father would say it about his violent outbursts when he drank.  And for both us, while our fathers meant it in the moment, they never held to their words.  I don't fault either for this, as our fathers were both good, yet so very flawed, humans, who were both incapable of keeping promises due to their mental illnesses.

We both sat with our fathers as they lay dying.  Her father readily admitted how much he fucked up, whereas mine barely spoke to me.  I watched the movie, with Jeanette's father's deathbed closure and I started really crying, because I wish I would have had the same experience.  But not only that, I cried for her father, because I knew that if he could have done better, he would have.  The way he's portrayed in the movie, you could tell, despite all of his flaws, he really did love his children.  Like, truly and honestly loved them.  He was broken, and didn't know how to fix himself.  He regretted so much because he knew he wouldn't get a do dover and that was it.  It was a fucked up way to have to live.  And this made me think of my own father.  Despite his silence on his deathbed, I knew he regretted it all.  He just wasn't a talker or a person who would open up to anyone.  But his heartfelt notes he left me after every single outburst told me that he knew was regret felt like.  My dad could admit his faults and his love in letters.  He used to write my mother poetry and hundreds of letters when he was in the Airforce.  But she burned them all after he died, as if erasing proof of his love would ease her grief (which didn't work, but the massive amounts of beer she ingested sort of helped).

Her mother was similar to my mother in some ways.  Both were codependent on their alcoholic abusive husbands.  Both were neglectful (in different ways).  Neither one worked.  But beyond that, the similarities stopped.  My mother was very verbally and emotionally abusive.  She wasn't creative in the least (the author's mother is an artist, the type that HAS to create or else they can't function).  And my mother wasn't just codependent, she has NPD, which made my father codependent on her (although he wasn't a narc, just an addict).  The author's mother doesn't seem to have NPD, but again, like I said, many details may have been left out, especially because her mother is still living (or at least was when the movie came out).

Anyone who's grown up in a dysfunctional family should watch this movie (and even people who haven't).  Even if you're not wanting to forgive either or one of your parents, this movie will help you understand mental illness a little bit better. While this story doesn't touch on narcissism, it does help one to see just how much mental damage is caused by a combination of severe mental illness and abuse trauma.  No amount of abuse constitutes them abusing us, obviously, but we can possibly get a clear view of how they eventually got to such a destructive place (esp. if one of your parents doesn't have NPD).

This movie really hit home with my own father, and even though I've already worked through healing from his abuse and completely forgiven him (though, not let him off the hook), this movie helped me heal a little bit more.  I am so glad the author got the closure she did, because not having it can lead to what I went through: not healing for 12 years after his death (year one: shock, year two: pure unadulterated hatred, year three-twelve: numbness).  I know with my mother I will not get closure, (but I don't feel I need it, which I hope will help me in the long run). 

I highly recommend this movie, even if it wasn't completely true to the author's real life (most are not). 

 

1. Go Grey Rock:  This is perhaps the #1 thing that will help you deal with a narcissist.   Although some narcs (esp. the audience style narcs as we're talking about here) may not even want to know anything about you at all, so going "grey rock" may not even seem like a change, but there are still instances you will need to do this.  So, going "grey rock" means that you become a lump of boring old bullshit to a narc.  This means that you will not be offering them anything they can use against you later, nor will be you sharing anything with them.  Only the minimal amount is needed in conversations.  So if the narc asks you about your own life, you will offer them the minimal amount and then reroute the conversation back to them.  Like if they ask "How are your kids doing?" you say "Great!  How are yours?/How is your business venture going?/insert tidbit of data about their own life here/etc.".  You never give details more than you have to.  If they press for info, just keep it light and surface.  Never go deep and never give out pertinent info they don't need to know.  Even if they only ask you about your life in small amounts: do not engage.  Just keep it on surface.  A narcissist either doesn't really care about your life OR they are fishing for information to tell others.  That's it.  Remember that. 
2. Clap and Cheer:  If they need an audience and you need to keep them at bay and keep them happy?  Then sometimes, you need to be their cheerleader.  Always ignoring them will just piss them off.  So while sometimes you have to keep your distance in order to keep your sanity, at other times you need to go all in and be the audience they need.  If they are your boss or are in charge of you (or your life) in any way whatsoever?  You need to remember this very important part.  They thrive on supply and you have to give it to them at times.  Otherwise you risk what we talked about in #1: they will punish you.  If they tire of you and move on, that could be either good or bad, depending on the situation.  While it's great for your mental health for them to move on, it may not be great for your job or life.  A narc that's moved on may treat you like shit when you're not on their supply list.  In business, there's a law of supply and demand, but in narcissism, there's a law of supply demand.  Narcissists demand narcissistic supply, and if you're not giving it to them, they will find someone who will.  And if your narc is the type to hurt you when you aren't supplying them, then you need to keep them interested, and sometimes that means seeking them out to give them a little cheer.  If you notice your narc's interest waning, then you interact with them by asking them about themselves or their life.  Get them talking about themselves, and that can revive their interest in you (just don't agree to do things you're not comfortable with).  Not that this is a healthy thing to do for you, quite the contrary.  But sometimes it's necessary in order to protect ourselves or our family.  
3. Don't take their shit:  This seems counter-intuitive, but I assure you, you'll feel better about it if you stand up for yourself when you can.  You need to do this before you let it build up and then explode.  So confront them regularly if they saying rude or mean things to you.  But not so regularly it pisses them off.  Recently, I connected with a sister I didn't know I had (half sister) and she's just as much of a narc as our father is.  I confronted her regularly, which she didn't like and ended up ignoring me (after totally using me to find our father).  She wasn't someone I needed in my life, nor needed to take shit from.  So I was okay with that.  But other narcs (as in my mother), I had to put up with, so I had to learn to take her shit.  To a point.  Eventually I learned to stop taking her shit and rather than letting it build up until I punched her in the face (which was something I wanted to do daily LOL).  I had to let my anger out in bits, as though I was a bottle of boiling water ready to spill...so I had to let the steam seep out instead of pop!  So instead of letting her lie and say rude things, I'd quickly correct her and change the subject back to her again.  If she said something rude about the neighbor's lawn, I'd say "Well, it's a good thing you don't live there then, isn't it?" and then change the subject back to her.  Just because you have to deal with particular narcs doesn't mean you have to listen to their constant bullshit and ignore it.  That's a recipe for disaster!  
4. Take Lots of Breaks:  Don't subject yourself to their constant attention.  Make sure you're getting in lots of time for yourself and your family away from them.  If they catch you and want to join, just make up a quick reason why they can't and quickly leave.  Or if they find out later you did something without them, deflect.  Deflecting is a wonderful way to stop a situation before it starts.  Be a mirror and let their words bounce off you onto them.  "I heard you went fishing last night.  I would have liked to come!"  Respond with "Yeah, but it was terrible! So many mosquitos and hardly any bites!  Do you like fishing?  What kind of lures do you use?  What kind of fish do you like to catch?" or whatever questions you can think of to deflect their accusations back onto them.  First you tell them how much it sucked, then you ask them about their own experiences or likes/dislikes.  Keep going until they are comfortable and excited talking about themselves again.  Taking breaks from the narcs in your life is one way to keep yourself sane.  Never give them details about your breaks, just keep it on surface.  Or, better yet, as much as you can, keep it secret 😉  And this brings us to: 
5. Keep Your Life Separate:  Try to keep your personal life separate from them as much as you can, even if they are in your family.  Don't share your ideas with them, or what your plans are for your life.  Let them share their ideas and plans with you (and you be their cheerleader), but don't do the same back (because they will never be your cheerleader--or if they are, they are pretending).  Instead, create a life that's totally separate from them.  Use your breaks to work on your life, away from them.  When I used to do this with my mother (back in the day, my mother was my life), she didn't like it at all.  This led to a total breakdown temper tantrum of epic proportions that led to me going no contact with her (among other reasons).  BUT, that's because I wasn't venting as much to her as I wanted to be.  I was distancing myself instead.  If you aren't planning on going no contact anytime soon, make sure this separation is getting done in a way that doesn't peak their abandonment issues, which will anger them beyond belief.  If this person is your boss or coworker, this means not attending functions in which they will be at (or any functions at all, if you don't want them to think you're not going to something just because of them).  This means keeping work and life completely separate.  If they are family, this means attending less functions at holidays (if possible) with a great excuse as to why.  My mother was alone on all holidays, so we had to spend every single one with her.  This wasn't good.  But it was necessary to keep the peace.  Although we did get away with spending birthdays without her.  She was very controlling as to how we'd celebrate--so if I invited her to birthday celebration, she'd decline, because it had to be her in charge or nothing.  If you have a friend who wants to start a business with you (I had this happen to me) and they are being bossy and controlling, then feel free to work on your own stuff on the side (without their knowledge).  So many situations this applies to, but just to remember that keeping your life separate is key in these relationships, otherwise you'll get burnt out and may even fall into a depression (as I did with my mother). 
6. Question the Relationship:  This is a biggie.  We sometimes feel trapped in relationships with people, thinking there is no way out.  We feel that this person holds something over us: money, a place to live, a job, information, etc., which causes us to stay in these abusive relationships (and yes, it's abusive).  We may have to make conscious choices to stay in order to keep the peace or keep our families safe.  I did this with my own mother.  I found out she was a narcissist and then went back to her after a short period of no contact because we were starving with no money for food.  So I went back...but unlike Corrine Dollanger from Flowers in the Attic, I did not feed my children to the wolves.  I stayed aware of her narcissism, and protected my children as much as possible (with a few failures).  I didn't get sucked back into her world, except for the times she was buying us groceries and did not permit me to speak to my own children (she required all attention to be put on her and her alone).  I would always bring both children so they could talk to each other and I would dote on her, begrudgingly, while my children were told exactly what was going on.  They always told me they understood, but I hated myself for having to do such a thing just so we could have groceries to put on our table each night.  It was sick.  And that lasted for four years.  So, if you find yourself doing sick things, as I did, in order to keep whatever hold they have on you, you have to ask yourself: would it bet better to starve (or whatever their hold is) or to create a horrible situation for your children (or whatever the consequences are)?  I eventually came to the conclusion, it was better to starve.  If the person will kick you out if you don't obey them, you have to ask yourself, would living in your car with your family for a short while be worth your sanity (or whatever you could find to live in) if you didn't have to sell your soul to that devil?  (I am not religious, so I don't mean this literally...just figuratively).  The devil in my life wasn't worth jack shit.  But some are.  So that's a personal choice you'll have to make for yourself.  So when I went NC with my mother, yes, we were fucked for a long period of time, and some would say we still are, almost a year and a half later.  BUT, it was soooooooooooooo fucking worth it.