https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCFZ6af4BHjWU4DENAAUCvVAhttps://www.facebook.com/daughterofanarcissistmother

https://unsplash.com/@ryanmoreno


A funny memory I have, once that I am very proud of (and one I should concentrate on, rather than those things I can't go back and change or being ashamed of not standing up to her), was one of a doctor's appointment at the beginning of this year. 

Her doctor was running through a list of different things she's done, like smoking and drinking.  And she told the truth when it came to smoking, but then they asked her about drinking and she said "Oh yeah, I used to drink sometimes".  I snorted.  LOUDLY.

She gave me a horribly dirty look.  I laughed and said "No, she used to be an alcoholic.  She was one for my entire life.  She quit drinking back in 2010.  But yeah, she a pretty bad alcoholic." 

The look on her face was worth a million dollars to me.  She quickly started to say something, but the doctor cut her off and moved on while writing that into her medical history.  And then I realized: this was probably the first time EVER that had been put into her medical history.  And I was the one who accomplished it. 


Speaking the truth about your mother is healing (even if in the moment it's uncomfortable). Being able to break the silence of abuse is empowering.  So whenever you think about all the things you didn't do, all the things you didn't say....remember the ones you did.  Remember the times when you had the upper hand in your own life, instead of her.

Because concentrating on the things you never said or did isn't going to help anyone.  All it will do is anger you and make you angrier...at yourself, at your mother, at your life in general.  So instead, concentrate on the times you spoke your truth, the times you stood up for yourself.  Because those are the times that actually matter.  Those are the times that will heal you and make you proud of yourself and will help you move forward. 

Concentrate on the good (the good YOU did), and not the bad (the things you never said or did).  And you'll see your healing take on a new life ❤

https://unsplash.com/@thoughtcatalog

And help out hundreds of thousands other victims of maternal narcissistic abuse in the world? 



Right now, in the world of narcissistic parents, all we have are blogs and groups and some websites that are spaced out away from each other with their information.  And while they give amazing support to the victims of this type of abuse, they do not give you any statistical data.  Mainly, because our mothers do not seek help so there is no data to be recorded.  So, I want to go straight to the victims of this horrible, long-term style of abuse to get the data that this world needs. 

So, I am searching for 100 men and women who have narcissistic mothers to take part in a survey that will be turned into a book in 2018.  The survey will be pretty long, and you can get as detailed (or no details at all) as you'd like. 

There are three reasons for wanting to write this book:
  1. I want to give those who feel silenced by their mother's behavior a place to openly (yet anonymously) state what she's done and hopefully give them some satisfaction from seeing their words in print.
  2. I want to give accurate stats on how narcissistic mothers treat their children.  I want to show how similar and how different they are.
  3. I want others to know they are not alone in this.  That they have a fellow tribe of others who "get it" and know what it's like to be in their shoes.  I want to give people hope, to see there is a way through it all and how to come out the other side with their sanity intact. 

The book will focus on comparing the stats of our mothers, along with side note stories from myself and those that take part in the survey. 


The survey will be long, and it will take you about a week to finish it (or more if you decide to share a lot of your stories).  Or, it could be faster if you just want to answer the survey questions and add nothing extra. 

No last names will be shared.  If you want include a name, it can be your real name, or a fake name.  If you do not include a name on your survey, I will assign your data a fake name.  You can also choose to write personal stories, but not have me include particular ones in the book.

You will get a free copy of the book if you choose to participate.  


Here are the qualifications to participate in this survey:

  • You must have a narcissistic mother.  This goes without saying, as it's the basis for the survey itself.  But this also means that you cannot fill it out for someone else (unless they are physically disabled and cannot do it themselves).
  • You must commit to finishing the survey.  Anyone who signs up and doesn't finish, will make our entire process take so much longer.  You can take your time in finishing the survey, but you must finish it.  If you don't think you can do this, then please don't sign up.
  • You must be truthful in your answers.  No exaggerations needed: their behavior is bad enough without making it sound worse.  The same goes the other way, you must not make excuses for their behavior, either.  If you can't accept your mother is a full-blown narc, then do not participate.
  • You must be over 18. I know there are loads of you out there who are under the age 18 and are suffering with a narc mom.  And if you are interested in this survey but are under 18, please message me and you may be able to participate in a future project concerning teens with narcissistic mothers.
  • You have to answer every single question, no skipping. You may direct questions about a certain part of the survey to my Facebook page in a private message if you don't know how to answer something.
  • You must be available for follow-up questioning.  Most returned surveys will not be questioned, but there may be something that I am confused by that I may need to ask you about after you've returned the survey.  Or something I'd like you elaborate on.  If you aren't available for a follow-up and it hurts the stats of the project, then your survey may be disqualified.

Please direct yourself to my Facebook page if you are interested in this project.  You can either comment on the Facebook post or direct message me there if you are interested in participating.  You will be messaged when the project is ready to go, and then directed the survey for you complete.  I thank you for considering this, as you will not only help me gather useful data to share with the world, but will also be helping so many other victims of maternal narcissistic abuse to understand they are not alone in this.  And we'll be helping to educate the world about narcissistic abuse as a whole (what it is, how it affects us, etc.). 

Click here for my Facebook page:

Girl Lost




https://unsplash.com/@alisaanton


I have lived for so long not being able to enjoy parts of my life due to the fact that my mother made everything feel like a hell.

We live in the Midwest, and have four (pretty full) seasons.  But I was convinced for so long that I hate winter because my anxiety always goes batshit insane when I have to drive in icy or snowy weather.

And when my mother was in my life, I HAD to drive in icy and snowy weather.  She demanded it.  And I always felt I'd rather comply then deal with her tantrums. 

So this year, after being no contact for six months, I realize: I may not hate winter after all. 

I know as a kid I loved winter immensely!  And as I got older, I still loved it.  But when I became stuck having to drive my mother everywhere (if you've read past posts, you'd know that my mother had me fooled into believing she couldn't drive--she even drove very recklessly with us in the car every single day in order to push this lie), my love of winter went right out the window. 

My entire household joined in this hatred of the season.  So much so, that we were planning on moving to somewhere like Arizona or New Mexico just to get away from the terrible weather that winter brings.

But for the first time in I have no idea how long, I am actually looking forward to it.  To be able to live without the constant fear of her calling me up and demanding I run her errands or to take her to doctor's appointments, it's unbelievable how much better I feel without all that pressure (and the constant foreboding I'd wake up with each morning). 

This leads me to wonder: what else has she taken away from me?  From my family?  What else have we been missing out on because of her behavior? 

The idea of leaving the Midwest and not having the gorgeous chilly Autumns is now a ridiculous thought to me.  The idea of not seeing beautiful snow (and yes, even the shoveling) and dressing in layers of comfy, warm swears and heavy-duty scarves just makes me scratch my head and wonder "What the hell was I thinking?"  Down south, I do not assume their leaves change each year.  I grew up with a golf course with trees as far as the eye could see as my front yard, and the idea of not seeing those reds, yellows, and oranges makes my mind boggle. 

My mother stole these things from me.  Rather than enjoying the moment I was in or the seasons that surround us, I was busy worrying about her (literally every moment of the day). 

As I sit here typing, the gorgeous damp, cool breeze of fall (at 55 degrees outside) is permeating the room through the open window next to me.  I have on my favorite sweater (the one I bought because it reminds me so much of the sweater my grandfather used to wear when I was young), and I am using the blanket I knitted (and am still knitting each year to make it bigger and bigger) as a lap warmer.  I couldn't imagine life without this weather.  Without the feelings it brings with it.  Being hot and sweaty in October just doesn't make sense to this Midwest girl.  I need my falls.  And I need my winters.  I just had myself convinced I needed something different to be happy.  Something away from my mother.

While I still want to move, I don't know if I'd go far (though anywhere is better than a block away from my mother, which is where I live now).  I'd like to stay in this climate to explore what else I've been missing for so long because of her.  What else I've been ignoring.  What else she's taken away from us.

I am learning to love life again.  The guilt is gone.  The anger is still there, but has definitely lessened.  I have a freedom I haven't ever known before.  There's no true words to explain what it feels like to have been trapped for so long and then let free (if there is, please share them with me, because I'd like to print them on a tshirt! ).  It's like a weight has been lifted and your mind is out of the fog.  You feel clearer.  Sharper.  Freer.  And you are able to enjoy normal things again.

It's like a second chance at life.  If that's the one thing I could say about going no contact, that would be it.  Because truly, it is.  Who wouldn't want a second chance at life?  I consider myself one of the luckiest people in the world because of this chance.  To be rid of toxicity like that?  It's utterly awe-inspiring.

So do yourself a favor: consider going NC with your mother and other toxic people in your life (remember, I went NC with my entire family first, then old friends were narcs, then my mother, and now my narc in-laws).  So while we are surrounded by less people, we are happier than we ever have been before.  We are free. 

And you can be too 💗





https://unsplash.com/@calum_mac



Dear Renita, 

I want you to know that leaving the relationship with my narcissistic mother is far more complicated than leaving other relationships.  No, it's not as hard physically (my divorce from my narc ex was a doozy--all those games he played with my children when he had his parental rights..uggh!), but very much so emotionally.  Walking away from an abuser isn't as simple as "I am not talking to my mother anymore".  It's deep, it's scary, it literally causes PTSD (or C-PTSD, if you will).  I have nightmares every single night.  I hear a woman cough in the grocery store and she will sound like my mother and my heartrate will immediately go up and I will sometimes start shaking.  I will jump every time someone drives past my house and honks.  If there's a knock at my door, I go into "criminal mode", acting like someone hiding from the cops (hiding, freaking out, shutting curtains, peeking out the blinds, etc.). 

If you were a good therapist, you'd realize that when someone leaves any abusive relationship, there will be residue that they need help with.  If you were good therapist, you'd stop me from rambling and prod me with questions to get me to the source of all my anxiety and worry.  If you were a good therapist, you'd not treat our sessions like a "BFF lunch chat", because we are so NOT there to discuss what's going on YOUR life.  If you were a good therapist, you'd take the hint when I tell you things about my life that I want you to ask more about them.  I want to dig into my nightmares, my PTSD, my lingering guilt I have at times, and how I feel about walking away from my own mother. 

Do you think this is a game for me?  That I am cutting her out of my life as way to win at the "mother-daughter" games that so many are seen as playing (when in reality, they are probably going through what I did, and they either just don't know about NPD or don't want to accept it)?

Do you know what it's like to lose a mother?  It would be easier had she died.  To know that your mother loved you and then passed away must be easier than to have your mother be alive and not love you at all.  Losing someone that's still around, still living their own life while trying to make your life a living hell is very, very complicated.  Don't you think that's why I booked sessions with you? 

You ignore my cries for help.  You tell me "Wait until you're 40, life will get better."  I said "I am 40, and life was better at 30".  And rather than ask me why I feel that way or what's going on that makes my life so hard right now, you talk about why YOU love your 40's and how life is great for YOU.


And when I do tell you about my life, you literally fight the urge to fall asleep (heavy eyelids, rubbing your eyes).  And I know it's not the time I see you at in the day, as I see you on different days and different times. 


You are sending your message loud and clear: What I say is NOT important to you and what I say is not worth a damn. 


*sigh*  I am so sick and tired of being around narcissists.  And after four weeks of seeing you once a week, I have decided that you may be one yourself.  But I will thank you for one thing: every time I come into contact with another narcissist, I get better at recognizing them.  I also recognize the signs faster, and end up not having to waste my time with useless people (unlike my last therapist, which YOU accused of being a narcissist, which I wasted 6 months on). 

The only issue I have is that you are giving this poor excuse for therapy to others.  So this time, while I've had therapists like you in the past, I am not going to let it happen.  I am not going to let you make others feel like they aren't worth your time or that they don't matter.  You are taking people's lives in your hands, and I am afraid that if you give someone else the "therapy" that you've given me, that you may ruin them into believing what they say doesn't matter.  That what they're going through doesn't matter.  And that you, the person PAID TO CARE about them, can't even bring herself to do that. 

But we do matter.  And we deserve better mental health care than the likes of you and your shitty "therapy", which seems to be trend in the mental healthcare industry right now.  So I am done with this.  As I am done with my mother.  But while can't report my mother for being a bad mother at the age I am now, I can report you and stop you from hurting others with your "I could care less that you're here" attitude.  I can take a stand for all of us who have dealt with therapists like you, and I guarantee you, there's a lot of us.  And eventually, none of us will take it anymore.  And that will change the mental healthcare industry for the better, because when we all band together, we can get shit done.

And all of the bad therapists out there?  Will have to find a new job.  So good luck with that.  Maybe you'd do better as a call center employee or the DMV?  Or some other place where employees are expected to be annoyed that they have to deal with the public?


Sincerely,

Girl Lost



https://unsplash.com/@brookelark



She sends you a 16th birthday card and uses it as a way to further her "victimized" agenda.





Today has proved that my mother is still a huge C U Next Tuesday!!



Today I opened my mailbox to find my only piece of mail is a 16th birthday card from my mother to my son.  I gave him the option to open it, because he's 16 and I can't just make decisions for him.  It's his birthday, that would be really overstepping if I just threw it away.  So I handed him the card, he opened it, and literally read it front to back.  Then he threw it at me and said "She hand picked this card because she wants to prove a point.  She couldn't even pick a card I'd like...it's all about her.  Here, read it." 

So I did. 

I was expecting a letter, but no.  It was all just printed from the card manufacturer that read something like (paraphrasing):


"Dearest Grandson,

 We may not be able to see each other as often as we like,
Things in life may keep us apart,
But I want you to know that I am thinking of you on this day,
And every day."


Now, it was a LOT longer than that...it was a few pages long.  But this is pretty much the concept. 

*sigh*  My oldest, his brother, got $150 from her on his 16th birthday.  Cash.  That's what she's known for: huge sums of money on birthdays. 

But because of being no contact, I knew this year she'd send nothing.  My son also knew this.  We expected her to send no card at all.  We hoped she wouldn't.  But instead, she sends a shitty card as if to say "I don't care enough about you to send you a card you'd like, or one that fit your personality at all, and while I normally give everyone money for their birthday, I am going to make a show out of not giving you anything all by sending you a card with nothing in it".  It was a card sent for HER, not my son.  So this goes to show that she will stoop even lower than normal (or maybe this is her normal?).  I mean, who does that to kid on their 16th birthday? 

AND he's her golden child!

If they can treat their golden child like this, imagine what she will do to the rest of us?  (well, nothing, after she gets her next piece of mail of from me...read on to find out my plan...)

Funny thing?  He's not even offended or even mad.  He was laughing when he read the card and threw in jest after reading it.  He thinks she's a toddler in a 70 year old body and he has such great self-esteem that he knows this has nothing to do with him at all.  He isn't taking it personally.

I, on other hand, am beyond pissed.  But that's what she wants, isn't it?  But seeing how my son is taking it makes me beyond happy. That he's so self-confident that it doesn't affect his self-worth to have an adult use his birthday in that way.  If that had been me at 16, I would have been beyond hurt (my 16th birthday sucked horribly....no party, nothing, just sitting home watching TV).

So rather than react irrationally and do something stupid, I have decided that she has broken my rule of absolutely no contact whatsoever.  This is something I spelled out in her "sending off" email I sent back in April.  And she's broken it more than once (driving past my house honking, another time driving past and yelling, and yesterday, she actually called me--thank goodness my phone caught it and blocked her!!). 

So, this is the last straw.  Had the card been something he liked, or even had something written by her that was nice, I would have ignored it.  But it wasn't, and the only words written by her was her signature.  This shows that the card was 100% a manipulation trying to guilt my son (or me?) into contacting her again.

 I am going to send her a cease and desist letter.

This means, that the cease and desist is the last piece of correspondence I will send her before I get a restraining order on her.  This is a legal warning (usually drawn up by a lawyer, but you can send one yourself), that states "cease your behavior, or else you will face legal ramifications that are spelled out in this letter".  It's all legal jargon, no emotion, so it's perfectly fine to send one of these to your parents if they won't stop contacting you, as it won't break your choice of going no contact (meaning, it doesn't count as contact). 

She thinks I am playing a game here.  And why wouldn't she?  All she knows are games.  She thinks my not speaking to her is a ploy to....well, I have no idea.  Punish her?  But hopefully this cease and desist will show her I am 100% NOT playing any kind of game, and she cannot just do what she wants when it comes to me or my family. 

My job is to protect my family and I'll be damned if I am going to let this woman disrupt my family's 6 months (so far) of peace. 



aka C U Next Tuesday



Have you ever had to take legal action against your parents?  I hope it doesn't come to that.  I hope she reads my cease and desist and just obeys its directions.




*sigh*  Why did it take me this long?  I don't know.  I had a dream last night I forgave her.  I had the dream and I woke feeling PISSED!  I had a conversation last night with my mom's BFF (who pretends to be my friend) and all I heard about was how this "friend" betrayed my trust AGAIN, for billionth time, and told my mother everything I said the last few times I've talked to her.  AND she keeps lying that 4 years ago she only told my mother "one thing" I said, which is a lie, because she told her everything I said.  AND she was angry with me for lying to her about it all.  But, that's not an issue for me, that was 4 years ago, but she keeps saying "only one thing" over and over again, so I had to set her straight.

Another thing, yesterday my mother said to her "Why do you stay friends with me if you believe her?" (meaning me).  I didn't say anything, but I agree with my mother on that point.  Why does she stay friends with her?  I think she likes the drama and chaos. 

So, last night's dream made me realize: this isn't working anymore.  I can't do this.  And I don't want anything associated with either of them anymore. 

So I sent her a message on Facebook today that was a long time coming:

__________________________________________________________________________

Hey (umaware flying monkey), this is (Girl Lost). I was going through my journal from back 4 years ago. I knew that what we were talking about wasn't 100% accurate, so I thought I'd refresh your memory. So when my mother asked you about what I said back then, you did tell her everything....so much so that my mother convinced you that I was lying and you were really REALLY angry with me. She got into your head and had you believe that I was a pathological liar. So no, you didn't just tell her one thing, you did tell her everything. Which is fine....I am not angry about it, because at the time, you had no idea what was going on. But I just wanted you to be aware of what actually happened. I had to talk to you to get you to understand that I wasn't lying to you about her and that everything I said was true. I had also forgotten that you were angry with me, but now after reading it, I do remember. Again, no big deal, just wanted to make sure we had our facts right. Here is also what she said to you:

NM: What did she say about me?
You: I can't tell you, you'll be angry
NM: Oh yeah? I'll be angry if you DON'T tell me!

I wrote all of this down back then, I've been keeping a journal for the past four years all about the things she's said and done to me.
Also, she said this to me:
I said to my mother "Why did you let him hit me?"
She said "You should have protected yourself."
I said "I was just a child."
She said "If that were your husband, who would you protect?"
I screamed at the top of my lungs "MY CHILD!!! I WILL ALWAYS PROTECT MY CHILDREN!!!" ---

My mother is 100% right on one thing though: if you believe me, then why ARE you friends with someone who would act like this?

Someone who lies about everything? Someone who betrays your trust? Someone who abuses her family? You say you like her, but why? Why would you be okay with these things? You deserve better friends than that. When my father punched me in the face when I was 17, she told me 4 years ago "Well, you should have protected yourself." Why would you want to be friends with a piece of shit person like that?

Yet....here I am, always nice to you, and the only time you ever want to talk to me is to ask me to do something for you OR to talk about my mother. You go garage sale-ing with my mother, go to Bob's....but never call me to do those things. The MINUTE my mother started paying you attention? Was the minute you stopped wanting to do anything with me at all. I don't get it. But this is it....I can't do this anymore. You are a good person, but if you are going to support my mother, after ALL she's done to me and you, I can't be your friend anymore.

And NO, my mother cannot call me for a ride to the ER. She can give everything to BM, because I don't want anything of hers. I don't want to hear anything about my mother again. I tell you, OVER AND OVER again to NOT tell my mother the things we talk about, but you still do, every single time. Yet you can obey Tina's order to not tell people about her, but you can't show that same respect to me. I don't get it. But I am not going to make you chose between me and my mother. You can have her. And I am done.

And no, it's not a journal, it's a blog, and it's open to the public, and everything my  mother has ever done these past four years, everything she's said, is open to the public to read.  And copies of all her shitty letters she's given me with the awful things she's said.  So yes, go ahead and tell her that.  Because I know you will.  You tell her everything I say anyways.

________________________________________________________________________


As you can see, in the beginning, I wasn't as angry.  But the more and more I thought about our conversation yesterday and all the other conversations for the past five months since going no contact with my mother, I realized that this was inevitable.  I just couldn't be friends with her anymore.  I mean, I've said this out loud 100 times....it was a plan to eventually come to fruition, I just didn't think it would be today.  Though, to be honest, I had no idea when the right moment would come.  So today was always in the cards.

I will say, this will be sent to her "other" email box, so she'll probably not see it for long time (or maybe she'll see it right away?).  But at least I send it.  And if she calls me, I will inform her that I sent her a FB message.  And that will be that. 

Will she leave me alone without a fight?  Probably not.  She seems to thrive on drama. 

My only choice is to leave town LOL  For real.....I live in the same neighborhood as my mother and all these flying monkeys....but yesterday I went to Walmart and ran into another narcissist (an old friend of mine) who I had to run away from (she kept eyeballing me and speaking in low tones to her husband).  I hate being in the same town as a slew of assholes, so I can't wait to fucking leave. 

Anyone know where we can move to? LOL
 
UPDATE 2021: She showed my  mother this message immediately and we tried to move 500 miles away, but ended up homeless.  And now we're living with her.  So yeah, stupid ass move, Shay!  This letter I sent her turned out to take the second half of 2018 and completely ruin our lives.  So please, do not send shitty emails to people.  You never know what will happen. 

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Welcome to Girl Lost.


I am a daughter of a narcissistic mother, one of way too many in this world. If you're here, then you have one too. I hope by reading my words someone out there will realize they aren't alone.

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