Photo by Alex Knight on Unsplash

So, I still get updates about my mothers emails on my phone.  She wanted me to be able to get into her email in case she ever forgot her password or to help her out with emails from her doctor.  I normally don't give two craps to even care to look anymore...but today, I saw in my notifications there was one from my aunt.  And that wasn't abnormal, she usually sends her jokes.  But what had peaked my interest this time was that she referenced an advice column.  I am not sure how far back you've read on this blog, but several years ago, I got a "mysterious letter" from someone who didn't leave their return address.  It was written in shitty handwriting and didn't even write out my name, just had my initials.  And inside, it was a photocopied advice column from a yoga magazine about how the questioner was in her 30's had made nothing of her life.  Which was JUST exactly what my mother told my entire family at a family reunion just a few weeks before.  So I knew it was directly related.

But today, it turns out, my instincts were correct.  I clicked to open it and I saw this:



I almost wanted to write back to my aunt as my mother...almost.  Deep down, I know they'd find it and think I was insane for doing so.  So I know better to actually do it, but I thought about writing back:

"Yes, I read it.  It's pretty awful that parents treat their children so badly and then pretend they didn't.  I should know, I am guilty of this."

But alas, I am not stupid.  I know the best route is to leave this alone.  And of course I will.  It's just a shock to me that soooo many people will kiss my mother's ass rather than tell her "Hey, I remember all this stuff that your daughter is saying about you....and it's TRUE!  You weren't the best mother!"

But no....they all think I am the crazy one.  YET, they were there.  They saw my parents be raging drunks for all my childhood.  They saw the abuse, yet are taking her side now.  Which is fine by me, but it's things like this that really get on my nerves.

So, what will I do about it?

If you know me at all, you know I am not going to stand by and do nothing at all.  I mean, I certainly will not directly do anything to them.  That's just petty and stupid.  So, I will take action in a better way.

I decided to ask for my own advice.


I decided to Ask Amy.




Is my intention to have my aunt see this?  Well, I know that most likely my question will not be picked up for publication.  She probably gets hundreds of questions each and every day.  But I would giggle if it did.  And I would laugh hysterically if my aunt saw it.  But even if nobody in my family saw this and it did get published, Amy's answer may help other adult children of narcissistic parents who are dealing with the same thing.  So while my motivations are a little grey, my question is real.  I honestly have no idea what to do with my mother's behavior.  And I am thinking a maybe a little outside help may be necessary before I take any action if my mother continues to harass me.

And if it happens to be seen by the right people, well...then it was meant to be 😜


::::giggle:::::

Photo by Mitch Rosen on Unsplash

“Sometimes crying or laughing are the only options left, and laughing feels better right now.”
― Veronica Roth, Divergent



OMG you guys!  I am so excited!  I finally got the comic strip going that I've been wanting to make for awhile.  It's so tough to dream about something, but be scared to death to do it for fear of messing it up.  But I did it, it's done and now I need to just keep doing it :)  haha

#1 is up!  And you can go see it here: Narcy Narc Comics.

If you have any suggestions at all for a funny scenario for the comics?  Please let me know below!  (and I will give you credit!)


Yay!!!

Here's a great way to understand why your mother lies about you: she's projecting her own issues onto you.  She can't admit what SHE does, but if she makes it look like YOU are the one doing these things, then she can get out her self-directed aggression through you.

Right now my mother is going around telling people that I have no friends and I can't hold onto friends because I am always mad at them.

Funny, because that's exactly what she does.  She goes through cycles of hating the holy hell out of her friends (and doing terrible things behind their backs during this time) and cycling back to put them on a pedestal (like they are the BEST THING EVER!!).  This is called "idealization and devaluation" or "splitting".  She throws away friends like TP, and then reels them back in with praise and insanity.  She did this regularly with me, sometimes quickly, and sometimes both would take months (just enough to trick me into believing she'll be good for a long time).  The change between the two is INSANT.

She's now equating those same issues onto me, saying that I throw away my friends like garage and I've never ever been able to hold onto any friends.  Like, ever.

Yet, I had the same friend from 4th grade until I was an adult.  And I had the same BFF's in high school until I became an adult (until I got pregnant and my very close BFF went around telling everyone we knew that my ex wasn't the father of my child...which was a bullshit move--I later did some soul searching and realized she was also a narcissist, which made me not angry with her anymore).  As a kid, all my friends were my friends until they moved away.  Actually, I kept most of my friends throughout my life until that reason: either moving away, going away to college, etc.

Yes, as a teen, I fought a LOT with my BFF's, but we stayed friends until my first pregnancy.  All I grew up with was drama and fighting, so that's all I knew.  I was attracted to drama and created it wherever I went.  But I eventually grew up and realized drama was for losers (aka. my mother) and eliminated anyone from my life who were drama queens (or kings).  It's been a slow journey...with lots of mistakes along the way, but here I am.  Friendless.  Hahaha!

So she's right in the respect that I can't hold onto friends, if you count putting up with 30 years of total drama and bullshit from those I've known since grade school, middle school, and high school and then saying goodbye to them as an adult because I realized our friendships just weren't based upon adult interactions.  I guess that's true then LOL  But I don't throw away friends like garbage.  I may meet someone, realize I don't like them, and then move on from them, but they aren't actual friends.  They are just people I know. 

Whereas my mother will take people she supposedly CARES about and shit all over them until they either walk away or get lured back into her crazy and fucked up worth via the "ideation" stage.  She literally throws them away in a moment's notice, for NO reason (sometimes for a made up reason or just a little itty bitty reason) just so she can get her narcissistic supply from the situation.  Fuck the actual person...who cares about them?  They are just her tools.  Like when  hammer is of no use to a contractor anymore, it goes in the garbage.

I just find it funny how she projects her own bullshit onto me.  And I guarantee you that your mother is doing the same thing when she's running around exaggerating or lying about you.  So instead of getting angry, try to see where her lies are coming from.  Most of the time you'll find they are coming from her own mirror 😉

Do you want the world to know the truth about what went on in your life?  Do you want to help others realize what narcissism truly looks like?  Do you want others to feel they are not alone?

Then why not consider sharing your story?

I am starting a Facebook group for daughters and sons of narcissists to get together and learn how to put a memoir together.  It's not exactly a class, though we will have lessons available in the files section.


Now, you can turn this into an actual book to publish on Kindle (or send it out for publication, both of which we will help you do if you choose to do either) OR you can turn your stories into a blog (which can be later turned into a book).

The only way to beat narcissists at their game is education.  And the best way to get the word out about this abuse is to write about it.  Share your stories!

You can find the group here:

So last night I dreamed my mother was babysitting this little girl.  She was ignoring her and not doing anything with her, so the little girl didn't like her much and didn't mind her when she was told what to do by my mother.  So I jumped in and played with her and we ran around together having fun.  I also fed her (since my mother wasn't giving her any food) and had her change her clothes when she got them dirty from playing outside.  She listened to me and did as I said the entire time...because I was actually engaging with her.  My mother was just ignoring her as though she were me (hmmmm....as I write this, I am wondering if that's who she was in my dream?  A little "me"?).  So I decided when the mother came back, I'd ask to get paid instead of my mother since I was the one taking care of her.

My mother was livid!   She was swearing and angry and tried to get me back down.  But instead, I stood up to her with NO anxiety (unlike real life).  I told her that she was ignoring the child and I was the one taking care of her and she needed to back off (and other stuff I can't remember now--don't you hate that?  When dreams just fade away even though minutes ago you remembered them clearly?  Ugggh!).  When the mother came, she sided with my mother!  She was even angry I was watching her!  LOL  So I stood up to her, too.  And unlike my mother, she eventually listened to me (and her daughter) that I should be the one taking care of her, not my mother.

Then I had a second dream where I wanted to go to the movies and my mother was going to pay for me and my youngest son to go (in my dream my oldest had a job and my hubby was also working).  But then my mother did something nasty.....but I kept my mouth shut because I wanted to go to the movies LMAO

Now THAT one was more like real life LOL I was always constantly weighing what my mother offered us against her behavior.  Like "I will pay for your groceries if you just let me treat you like shit for the rest of the month".  I didn't want my family to starve, so I had to let her treat us like shit.  Which also wasn't fair to my family.

I will tell you, we are so much better off being no contact and not playing those games anymore.  Sooooo much better off.....

I don't think I've ever experienced what having a true friend is like.  My most recent friendship debacle (and there's always a debacle) is on a low-key level due to the fact that she's close with my mother.  Take yesterday, for example.  I asked what's she's doing for the 4th of July, and she says "having friends over".  But never once does that include us (my family) and we only live a block away.  She's always going out with friends, doing stuff with friends, and going places with my mother.  YET, she claims to be on my side of things with my mother and never once invites me to go anywhere or do anything at all. Well, unless she needs help with something, then I am her first pick.

A "friend" a few years ago (acquaintance, not friend--just some girl I kinda knew in middle school and high school) said there was something wrong with me because I always give up on my friends and walk away.  She called me "tragically comical". So I told her to fuck off and walked away from her LOL  BUT, she does have a point: I DO walk away, from a LOT of people.

Why?

Because I REFUSE to be treated badly. I refuse to be used.  I refuse to be talked down to.  And I refuse to be manipulated by anymore narcissists.

As a child of a narc parent, I attract a LOT of narcs into my life.  Mainly because that's what I've been taught.  I am sure most of you reading this probably know exactly what I am talking about.  Not all friendships I've had have ended because of them....I've done some stupid shit.

Like, a few years ago, I used to run a woman's group and made friends with one of my admins, who turned out to be a dingbat.  I know that's mean, but she really had the IQ of a potato.  And I wrote that on my Facebook wall.  PUBLICALLY.  On accident, mind you.  I couldn't stand the woman, but I broke her heart, saying mean shit about her on my wall.  That was real shit moment in my life.  Back then I was more of a catty, gossipy asshole.  All of us in the group did it.  But I was the leader of the group and everyone got really angry with me after that (even though behind her back, they all said the same exact stuff).  But I was the bad guy, because talking behind someone's back is pretty assholey, but then to actually say something like that where they could see it?  It was pretty shitty.  And I realized then that gossiping was horrible and I was acting like my mother and I walked away from the group because it wasn't good for me to be around that many females.

I am not perfect.  I have "narc mother" residue left in me at times.  Though I take full responsibility for my own actions and do not blame my mother for how I act today.  That's all on me.  I am a grown up and can choose my own actions.  Some are easier to get rid of than others, but I am working on all of it.

Which is why I've never had a real friend.  I've always chosen what I've known: women who are moody, messy, bossy, or adventurous.  But the past few years, I've realized that those women?  Are not really cool.  And many are more than just fucked up: many are literally mentally unstable.  So when you point out "Hey, I need some respect here...." you either are met with an eye roll or downright rage.  Or they badmouth you to everyone.  (hmmm sound familiar?)

OR I find friends that are sociopathic liars.  I've actually had two of these types as close friends: both are friends from grade and middle school on up.  One was a sweet-talking criminal (I didn't know he was a criminal) who lied about having cancer.  And the other was a girl I knew from the 4th grade on up.  I stayed friends with her because she was my oldest friend, but I knew she was a pathological liar since high school.  I ended both friendships, because I realized I could no longer pretend to be invested in relationships that do not feed me in a positive way.  And I could not feed either one of them in a positive way (haha they are narcs, so yes, to them I'd be a positive addition to their friendship circles, because they'd use me for supply) because I knew exactly what they were.  Other of these types, I've ended friendships with them IMMEDIATELY because I recognize the signs.

Maybe the reason I've never found a real friend was because I have no idea HOW to be a real friend, myself?  I've never had the right tools or even realized for a long time that I was doing anything wrong (like gossiping).  I never had the chance to find out what it means to be a real friend, so I've had ZERO practice.

The other day my mother told our "mutual friend" that I had no friends so I was jealous and wanted to take away her friends.  Which is utter bullshit, except for the fact I really don't have any friends.  But is that so bad?  I am in a state of trying to figure out what that word even means.  So maybe it's a good thing I have none right now (because like I've pointed out several times....our "mutual friend" is HER friend, not mine").  I'd rather have no friends than fake friends.  And I'd rather have no friends than be my mother and pretend to be someone's friend in order to get something from them (which is what I feel like our "mutual friend" is literally doing to me: she's getting something from her talk about my mother to me and from literally having me do things for her).

So....I shall go on a quest to find out what it means to be a true friend.  Maybe I can fix myself enough in order to be able to find a few one day.  Though I will say, I have a horrible time trusting anyone due to knowing about narcissists.  But, even if I don't find one, I will better myself in the process (I hope! LOL).  And that's worth it.  Even if I find I can just be a better friend to myself and my hubby and kids.