So you guys, I am sooooooooooooooo excited!!  Eeeeeeek!  I finally know where my actual heritage comes from! 

If you've been reading, you'd know that I am adopted.  I was adopted into a narcissistic family, so to think I have more family out there in the world (Ancestry.com found over 700 possible cousins!!) who are kind, awesome people, just floors me!!  💙💚💛💜

So, I am going to make a video tomorrow about it and upload it here when it's done :) 

I am so happy you guys!!  And QUITE surprised at what I found out.....like, VERY surprised LOL 



Have you done a DNA test?  If so, did you find out anything interesting?  I'd love to hear about it!! 

We hear the term "no contact" and it ultimately means the literal meaning of no....contact.  But, does that mean you aren't no contact if you aren't 100% staying away from your narcissistic parent?  Technically yes, but did you know there are different levels of no contact?

Recently, I was shamed about my choice to send my mother an anniversary card for our 11 year anniversary (which fell smack dab between her birthday, mother's day, and my birthday) of her slapping me in the face with my kids there and her calling me a pervert because I chose to sleep next to them.  I was in shock at the arrogance of the woman who thought she knew better than me how to live my life.  I was hurt, because that was my choice for my life, so what was it to her what I chose to do?  I was also in shock at her elitist attitude towards anyone who's no contact with their parents. 

I call these types subject purists.  There are subject purists of every single subject out there: homeschooling, vegetarianism, parenting, gaming, sports, religion, photography, art, music, fandoms, books, movies, etc. etc.  If you go into ANY group for ANY subject, you will find a subject purist. 

subject purist (noun):
1. a person who thinks you should follow the subject matter of a title to the "t" in order to be considered to use said title (e.g. in order to be considered a gamer, you must play certain games)
2. a person who claims they know everything about a given subject, even if they are wrong (e.g. a person gives you a lecture on how to be a proper homeschooler, when you've already been homeschooling for many years)

Subject purists can be juvenile, and possibly narcissists themselves, or at the least, they are adopting a narcissistic attitude.  They have hard time seeing outside of their own situation and think that their way is the "only way".  When in reality, anyone can be anything, as long as they are following the basic rules of what they are trying to be (e.g. in order to be called a "gamer", you must play video games; in order to go "no contact", your main state of being is to not engage your narcissist in contact, etc.)  That doesn't mean you have to be exactly 100% following the rules in order to be considered whatever term you're identifying with. 

Here are the different levels of going no contact:

• 1-Beginning Level:  Another name for this level is the "Shedding" stage.This level starts from the time you go NC.  It can last days, weeks, months, or even up to a year (and some people skip this level all together due to their circumstances).  There is no shame in this level, though others will try to shame you.  You are shedding your prison of abuse, and this level is the hardest level to not only stay committed, but to feel like you're doing things right.  You will have horrible feelings: sometimes of guilt, grief, remorse, and feeling like you're doing something inherently wrong.  You will feel like you're on an emotional roller coaster: one moment you will hate her, the next moment you'll wonder if she can change. 
  
  This is also the level where you'll want to lash out to your mother.  You will want to demand answers.  You will want to make her understand how much you hurt.  And there's nothing wrong with any of these things.  There are some things you need to understand first: if you lash out: your mother will use it against you.  If you try to demand answers: she will use it against you.  If you want to make her understand how much you hurt: she will use it against you.  You have to understand this first, because if you don't, you will be 100% broken down when she shows you this side of her.  And I don't want you to brake down.  I want you to be strong and not care if she uses it against you.  I want you to feel strong and ignore it.  If you need closure?  Then get it.  But know the only closure you will get will come from YOU, not her.  It will come from the satisfaction you have said your peace.  It will come from you not needing a response from her (because if you get one, it will only be fake, condescending, and hurtful). 
  
  But in order to get to this point?  You need to build your education about narcissism first.  You need to read everything you can, and join support groups and learn to deal with your loss before you can actually get any closure.  So my suggestion during this time is to rent every book you can from the library.  Buy some more books.  Read articles online.  Watch youtube channels on maternal narcissism.  Join support groups.  Just immerse yourself in it.  Learn everything you can.  This will make you feel stronger and better than you trying to figure this out alone, without any help.
• 2-Intermediate Level:  This is also called the "Acceptance" stage. This level means you've moved beyond the need for answers.  You've accepted the fact that your mother doesn't love you (nor can she love anyone, not even herself).  You've stopped wanting answers to your questions from her (now you can seek the answers in books and on maternal narcissism websites).  You seek healing rather than revenge.  Your triggers are coming up less and less. 
• 3-Expert Level: This is also known as the "Autopilot" stage.  You've dealt with this for years and your triggers are minimal.  You are comfortable.  You are happy.  You are safe.  You don't have to think about much in this stage. 
• 4-Sustaining Level:  After being on autopilot for so many years, you may forget a little about why you left in the first place.  Your abuse is in the past, and has been for some time, but now?  You're not feeling as bad anymore.  You may want to see if you can reach out and see if anything has changed.  I will assure you, it hasn't.  Unless your parent has a sort of dementia, but even then, YOU will start to feel those old feelings come back up.  If you break your no contact now, you may end up at the beginning level again.  Which is okay. Because every path is different.  If you need closure to remind yourself of why you left, then by all means, get it.  I am not the type of person who thinks that someone is doing something wrong by carving their own path in life, even if that path sometimes backtracks to the beginning.  We all need different things in life, different ways to heal and deal with our trauma. There should be no judgment from your support persons in this.  But if you make this mistake continuously, you should really figure out why you want to torture yourself.  I suggest finding a therapist and checking out Shahida Arabi's "Becoming the Narcissist's Nightmare" and her amazing checklist of "101 things to do instead of breaking no contact".  This level can feel amazing, if you remember it's about sustaining, and not backtracking.  You can stay at this level indefinitely, as long as you don't completely forget why you went no contact to begin with.  My suggestion is to keep a journal or a blog with everything you can remember and things as they happen before you even go no contact (or starting after, it doesn't matter).  It's easy to forget things, but when you write them down?  There's no choice but to remember.  So, if you feel the inkling of going back and checking out mom's behavior again?  Reread your journal/blog and you'll remember why that's not a good idea.  Especially not more than once. 
• Combo Level: This level means you can be between any levels.  You can be a little bit of one and a lotta bit of another.  Or you can be a little bit of two and a lotta bit of another.  You can be at different levels for different circumstances, too.  Like at level one for something you just found out that she did and level two for your daily life and level three for a seeing her in public.  Most people have a combo level going on, unless they are purists (though I think those people could be suppressing their feelings about certain things, which means at their cores, they aren't healed at all--as a purist is trying to convince themselves as much as they are trying to look like they are convincing you). 

Now, what does going no contact really mean?  

Going NC is a way to break your emotional bonds with your abuser.  It helps to severe that addiction/connection so you don't feel compelled to enter their life again so they can abuse you more. 

Going no contact has really only two rules to follow:

1. Break all forms of contact with your parents.
2. Do not engage in their contact of you.

Does it mean we have to stay silent?  Does it mean we can't share our stories or speak our truths?  Of course not.  Speaking your truth is not technically contacting them, even if your parents can see it and hear it.  This means you can write blogs or make youtube videos, or even write a memoir.  I will say that protecting yourself from your narcissists hurting you by them having access to your truth is a necessity (like I blogged on this blog anonymously for four years before allowing my real identity be known). 

What happens if you break no contact?  

Normally, you will get hurt.  You may fall for a fake apology (as we all have one time or another) and think they have changed, but I am here to tell you: they haven't.  If you are hoping for something amazing to happen, the only thing that will happen is that they will humiliate you for coming back to them.  Maybe not right away, but eventually.  And they may do it in front of your face or even behind your back where the only way to find out is through another person.  Why even risk that?  Don't be a glutton for punishment.  Try to keep away from your mother (and father, if need be) as much as you can. 

When is it okay to break no contact?

A purist will tell you never.  I don't agree.  If you are in stage one?  And it's your first time going NC?  Then you may do this a LOT.  And that's normal.  This is actually helpful in cementing the fact that you need to get to level two as quick as possible.  Some people will say that this level isn't a valid "no contact" level at all.  But again, I disagree.  You are shedding your need to have your parents in your life, and that level deserves recognition.  Every journey begins with a single step.  Does that mean you're not on the journey just because you're not 100% there yet?  Of course not.  That's silly.  Going no contact says you're going somewhere.  It doesn't say you are already there. 

Though, I also believe there are some very valid ways to break no contact, if you do it right.  Click here for a post about "How to Properly Break No Contact"



Your path is your path to walk.  Your level of NC is a part of your path, as are your choices as to what you do on your path.  Nobody can tell you that you're doing it wrong.  You have to do it your way.  Because if you listen to everyone around you, you won't ever feel completely healed. 

I know that breaking no contact is a no-no.  But sometimes it's necessary for our healing.  As I  will state in tomorrow's post about the Different Levels of No Contact, there are sometimes good reasons to break no contact.  This is normally done in the first level called the "shedding level", but it can end up being necessary in other levels as well (say, something is going on where you HAVE to step in and say something). 

So, how do you do it right?

Here is my 10 Step way to properly Break No Contact:

1. Get in the right head space.  You can't break no contact when you are very emotional.  You have to be clear-headed, calm, and collected.  You'll see why in #5.
2. Choose your mode of contact.  Each one has their pros and cons.  So weigh each one for yourself.  I chose a card to send in the mail.  Now, she could use this against me by showing everyone what I wrote.  But I combated this in several ways you'll see below.
3. Practice!  No good writing or spoken message comes from a first draft (though you can work out your anger as much as you like in them!).  But don't even be tempted to use it or to wing it (in you're speaking).  So practice.  Write down what you're going to say and rewrite it 5x.  Write down what you're going to send, and rewrite it 5x.  
4. Shorter is better.  Do not be long-winded.  Do not write extraneous information down.  Pick ONE subject.  My subject on my card was about the 11 year anniversary of my mom slapping me in the face with my kids in the next room and then chasing me around to do it again and calling me a pervert for sleeping next to them.  I did NOT write about anything other than this one subject.  
5. NO EMOTION!!  I repeat NO EMOTION ALLOWED!!  You do not tell them how you feel.  You state facts.  This is how I eliminated my mother using my card against me.  She can't let other people read the card if I wrote exactly what happened that day.  Our mothers try to gaslight us and tell us things that happened didn't happen.  So I sent an anniversary card to remind her of what happened.  Word for word, the exact event, nothing else.  If you want to get something off your chest that is SO important you are willing to break no contact over it?  Then you have to write the facts and nothing else.  Do you want your mother to know that she's not allowed to be in your children's lives?  Give her the facts (and the ramifications for her actions if she doesn't listen to you).  Do you want to remind her of something she denies doing?  Write a detailed, factual, short letter reminding her.  Do you want to tell her she's a piece of shit?  Write the facts of why she's a piece of shit. And write in your rough drafts about how much you fucking hate her piece of shit self, but leave it out of the finished piece.  No name calling.  No insults.  No snarky closings.  NO EMOTION!  This is THE most important part!  This is the ONLY way this even works.  So go over your writing over and over again until it's completely free of emotion and only contains facts.  When you speak, also use NO EMOTION.  No raised voice, no anything but that factual voice a teacher will use a teach a boring class. 
6. If you want to add an ending sentence, make sure it's as tame as possible.  When I sent my card, it was to replace her birthday and mother's day cards (which fall in the same week).  So I ended her card with "Instead of buying you a mother's day card or birthday card, I sent you the card you deserve."  Now, yes, that's an insult, but it's also a fact.  So you have to use your own judgment when it comes to your ending sentence (or line).  I do not suggest doing what I did, but I am in a different position than most people, as I do not have anyone my mom can whine to that will matter to me.  If you're speaking, then make this last sentence be your "you need to know this because" sentence.  Again, do not use emotion in this part either. 
7. I suggest not signing it with anything but your name, if you even sign it at all.  I didn't, because I am her only child, so who else would it be from?  But no closings.  Anything you say can be construed as some other meaning.  If you are speaking, a simple goodbye will work
8. If this is a letter, then print it with a basic, boring font.  If you're speaking, then speak in a basic, boring way (as you would a tantruming 3 year old, you use your "adult voice").  
9. Make this letter less than one page long (hopefully less than a half a page) when printed.  If speaking, make sure it's less than 3 minutes.  You need to convey FACTS to them, then there is no reason you need to speak more than that.  
10. Send the letter.  Make the call (block your number first).  But DO NOT open any return mail from them or answer any phone calls from them (change your number if you have to).  Because breaking no contact properly?  Means what they have to say to YOU doesn't matter.  All you are looking to do is convey facts to them.  You aren't looking for answers.  You aren't looking for validation.  So this it's very important to write "return to sender" on their mail and send it right back to them.  You do not need to hold onto their trash for them (which is what their return mail really is).  Imagine their mail is spam mail, yet another scam credit card offer.  Because whatever their offering in that envelope is a scam.  If you can't return it, then burn it.  Just do whatever you have to do to eliminate it.  But returning it to them sends a message: I don't want what you're peddling.  And perhaps they will get the message to not send you anything else.

If the issue you're having with your narcissist is legal, have a lawyer send them something instead of you.  If the issue is personal, make sure it will be worth it.

If your narcissistic parents (and their flying monkeys) get your message, then be prepared for backlash.  It may be big, it may be small, it may not even happen, but just know that it could, and find a way to be okay with it.  Because what you are aiming for by breaking no contact is not a fight, it's simply conveying a message (which can be for legal reasons, instructions, or for your own closure).

So think long and hard about how you'll go about this, why you want to do it, and if you even want to.  Before I sent my mother's anniversary card, I went back and forth several times before deciding to do it.  And when I did decide to do it, was concrete.  And I knew it was the right thing to do.

Haha this blog is my safe place.  Even though I have come forward with my real identity and put myself out there for all to see, here, I don' get judged for how I feel or what I am going through.  I feel as though every single group I either run or join on FB, there's always at least one grumpus who spoils it.  ALWAYS.  It's like a never ending issue.  I've dealt with that enough in real life that I don't trust sharing my life with anyone anymore.

In real life, I have a very hard time with having friends.  From childhood to teenage years until my 30's, I never had issues keeping friends.  I had the same friends for years, a few for almost 20 or more.  But since learning about narcissism, I've gotten to the point where I've learned to not let destructive people into my life anymore.  And that meant getting rid of 90% of my old friends.  It's really hard when you learn about narcissism to ignore toxic people in your life.  So, thus, I am pretty much friendless.

I have one friend, but she's my mom's friend, too.  I wrote blog on about her on the "unaware flying monkey".  So if you've read that, you'd understand how hard it is to keep a friendship going with someone like that.  Though I adore this woman, she's extremely hurtful.

So my question is: how do you keep a friend who unintentionally hurts you?  She knows not what she says, but how can you tolerate it?  If I am up front with her, this will cause her to go into a spin of anxiety and freaking out that she did something wrong.  And it won't fix the problem, because it keeps happening in different ways. 

One thing she keeps saying is how she's going to joke around and tell BM who keeps asking her for a shirt that my friend owns that "Jalynn lost a bunch of weight and I gave it to her instead!"  She keeps adding this in over and over again that "Jalynn went on a diet and now she can wear my shirt!".  I know she doesn't get it's mean to say that, but fuuuuuuuck.  There is NO reason to say that, as we all know I am fucking fat and DUH I can't fit into her shirt, but neither could BM, so that was the joke.  That I wasn't asking her for the shirt, so therefore, I was going to get it.  (BM is a total user and asks to have everything she sees that you have, even if you're wearing it!)

Today I told her I found these cool friendship necklaces for adults that say "Bonnie and Clyde" on them I was in the middle of saying happily "I was going to buy them for us!" and she interrupted me before I even got far and said "Too bad they don't say Kathy and Clyde!"   Kathy is my mother.  And Clyde is the name of the friend I was talking to.  Which  bothered me because I really was working out how I was going to buy those necklaces for us, because a) I thought they were cute and b) we seem to be really good friends and she thinks my mom is a liar and a game player.  

But in that moment, accompanied by the fact that she threw my mom a birthday party and didn't even call me on my birthday or get me a card (my mother's birthday and my birthday are one week apart), it really cemented in my brain that she's really my mom's friend, not mine.  Despite knowing my mom plays game with her and lies to her daily.  Which confuses the shit out of me.  Why does being a good friend mean I get no respect?

Does aspergers give you a pass on being nice and thoughtful?  Not really, as I have it and I don't think anyone would ever think "Oh, Jalynn is an aspie, she doesn't mean to be a jerk!"  No, I am sure every single time I've been a jerk, I've been called out on it or treated accordingly as if I were normal.  And I know I deserve it.

How far can someone make exceptions for a person just because "they can't help it"?  I could correct her all day long on things she says (she's insulted me plenty of times before) and it just won't stop.

I just don't want to lose my only friend.  I already feel alone enough as it is.  But she kind of makes me feel like shit about myself regularly (and more often lately), so it's not mentally healthy for me to keep talking to her.  I just need to take a break I guess. 

I was going to make a video today for my youtube channel, I even got all ready, but I feel like such shit because of all this, I can't do anything but want to curl up and go to sleep.  I just want today to be over.  I even had something amazing happen today and now I can't even enjoy it.  But that's on me, not her.  I am not blaming anyone for my mental state...only myself.  I think everything bothers me more right now than usual, due to the ick feelings about my mother, among other issues I am having with people in my life.  But I don't need my life added to with insults from my so-called friend.

Ugggh.  I wish people could just be nice.  😩

30 days ago I stopped speaking to my mother.  I can't believe it's been 30 days already.  You'd think I'd feel better by now.  Last time I was ecstatic for not having to be around her.  This time?  I feel numb.  I am starting to, little by little, realize I am not in a prison anymore.  That I have access to ALL the time in my life, rather than have it be controlled by her.  She was controlling me even when I wasn't having to see her, as I never knew if she was going to call and demand something of me again.  "Comply or be punished!" is the narcissist's motto.  Had she just been a normal person, I would actually enjoy doing things for her and being around her.  But she's not.  So I don't.  It became torturous and hellish having to have her in my life anymore. 


Going no contact literally means to stop all forms of abuse.  That's why you do it.  It's not like you think your mother can change yet you don't want to have a relationship with her.  No, it's the fact that she's in capable of not abusing you, so you have to stop all contact.  It's different than other forms of abuse where the abuser can admit to what they did and get help and change.  Our mothers cannot admit to what they do, so how can they get help?  They can't and they won't, and if they pretend to?  They will lie to their therapist.  So they still aren't really getting help.

I thought I'd feel better by now.  I escaped another form of abuse and I have learned to enjoy my seriously wonderful days abuse free.  I am grateful, thankful, and very aware of the fact that it no longer exists.  I can recognize where my triggers once were, that are no longer there anymore.  I can feel the freedom of not having to worry that it will happen again.  I am even to the point where something should trigger me, but I know it's not happening anymore, so I don't feel triggered in the least.  It feels wonderful.  There were a few setbacks, but that didn't mean I wasn't on my way to still healing.  I dealt with the setbacks and moved forward, and I am feeling great about it again.  There are a few complications that I need to get through but there always will be, when dealing with abuse and healing, but I'll get through them and keep on moving forward.  I thought to myself today "Why can I feel so much better about this and not about my mother?"  I realized: this didn't happen overnight.  I think it may have taken me a full year, possibly nine months or so, to get to feeling how I feel today.  Healing from any form doesn't happen overnight.

Though, four years ago, when I first went NC with my mom, I felt it immediately.  But, the circumstances were different:

1. I had just learned about NPD.  So this relief was amazing!  I could finally put answers to questions I had had all my life.  The relief wasn't just about not talking to her, it was about her and her mental illness.  So that probably added immensely to my relief.
2. I was in the thick of it all.  The abuse was hardcore back then.  Mother had no reason to depend on me so she treated me badly much more often.  A month ago, she depended on me, so she was more careful with how far she took things.
3. It felt more like a rebellion against oppressors rather than a bowing out.  While, this time, I used a catalyst to walk away from her with, the catalyst was tiny in comparison to last time.  It was a stupid stunt, rather than a real reason.  So this time, I bowed out.  Last time, it felt like an explosion of energy.  So the feeling of relief was immense and immediate.  Like a painful infection coming to the surface to break free.  Gross, but an accurate description LOL  This time, it was a milder wound that wouldn't heal for four years, and you've just gotten so used it, that when it isn't there anymore, it doesn't feel hugely different. 
4. Last time I was in shock with what had happened.  This time?  Nothing shocks me anymore.  I hear about stupid shit she says, like how she's going to let my narcissistic cousin take over her will and power of attorney, and I kind of don't give two shits.  Let her.  Then I don't have to do anything for her again, ever.  My mom thinks that's a punishment, which makes me laugh.....doesn't she realize she's doing me a favor?  She's letting me off the hook completely.  Little does she know, that's exactly what I want.

Last time was a BOOM!  This time is a "meh".  I am dealing more with the addictive qualities of our relationship, the withdrawal, rather than the energy of all of that above.  My old therapist said that if we grow up in chaos, we become addicted to chaos.  I am trying to deal with that end of things right now.  And it just feels....numb.  Uneventful.  Boring.  Annoying.  Everything has died down, and now it's bland.  This is the part that becomes hard for most people going NC.  The part where you are used to chaos and it's no longer there.  You kind of crave it.  I knew this was true when our mutual friend's conversations about my mother and the things she's saying and has done, actually lit me up.  It fed some need inside of me for the chaos my mom put out.  I knew then I was the one with the problem right now and I am the one who has to put an end to it.  It doesn't feel good.  But we have to get our brains to not thrive on that chaos anymore.  And when we can do that, this feeling of bland numbness will end.  We'll get used to a new normal.  And it will feel good again.

Right now I feel as though a piece of me is missing.  And I know it's not her.  It's her chaos.  It's someone to feel justifiably angry at.  That's what's missing.  That, and the knowledge that she will never change, and always be the same, so no matter what, as long as she's in my life, there will be abuse.  I keep feeling that we moved across the country away from her, when I imagine that life, I feel empty.  I think it's the finality of it all.  Right now, I am still in the chaos a bit, as I live a block away from her and have to deal with her flying monkey neighbors.  So we moved away, I'd have nothing left to worry about.  How can a human brain be addicted to worry?  How can we become so addicted to things that hurt us?  Why do these things make us feel good deep down inside?  I don't like that.  I don't like knowing that's just one thing I will eventually have to heal inside of me.  I feel like there's already enough.  But hey, it's healable.  That's what matters, right?

30 days of no contact.  And I am ready to stop being addicted to the chaos.  And I know it may take months to feel actually free and to enjoy it, I just wish it could happen a little faster 😉

My mom sent me a card in the mail today, so I am just writing "return to sender" on it.  I don't want her card.  I don't want anything to do with her.  She's not changing.  She's lying even more.  This is getting out of control.  I need to talk to our mutual friend today and tell her that I can't do this anymore.  I can't listen to her talk about me to my mom and I can't listen to her talk about my mom to me.  I need her to stop.  I didn't think it would get this out of control, but it is.  And I can't handle it.  I am a bit of a mess today....stressed out to the max...because of this. 

If she can't quit, I can't talk to her anymore. 


My hubby thinks I should not send the card back to her, that it will invite her to bother me more, but I don't agree.  I think it will tell her to stop.  Her ego will be so hurt, that she'll say "Well, that's it, I am done!"  And that's what I want from her.  I thought I'd burn any mail I get from her (and in the future, I will), but this doesn't feel right to do today.  I don't want her card.  She can have it back.

I need to destress today.  I need to relax and calm down.  I don't need another migraine. 

When they say that a narcissist's ego was stunted at age 3 or 5, they mean every part of them.  For most of us, our mothers are so emotionally immature, that they have no idea how to address anything in this arena.  Or, if they do, they will tell us one thing, and then show us something completely different with their actions and reactions.  Let me give you a few examples of how my mother, so lovingly, addressed my sexual education:

• Masturbation is evil.  And women who do that will cause themselves not to have babies.  This second sentence is exactly what my mother said to me as a small child.  The first sentence is the message that was relayed.  She even backed up her reason by telling me that's why they adopted me, because she lost her first baby because of that reason.  That's probably one of the most fucked up things I've ever heard.  If a) she though that was true?  Then fuck her mother for telling her that!  How horrible to think your own child died because of something our bodies were made to do??  b) she said it as a way to cement her point but knew it wasn't true?  Then fuck her!  What kind of monster lies about something so horrible as to why you lost a child??  Jesus.  Either way, it's fucked up.  She also physically abused me if she caught me doing anything and threatened physical abuse if "I ever catch you doing that."  This happened when I was really little, like 4. 
• Any interest in sex at a young age leads to perversion.  When I was young, I didn't realize my dad was a porn addict.  He had oodles and oodles of porn in his closet: movies, magazines, and books.  So, when I was 11 or 12, I found one of his books and wanted to know what it was about.  Whoah!  That was gross!  I brought it to my friends and we all read it and thought it was hilarious and gross and strange and kind of interesting.  So, when I put it back, I just chucked it into the closet.  I didn't put it back where it went, so my mom found out and took me aside.  "What is wrong with you?  There's something wrong with you, just like your father.  Do you want to be like him?  That's disgusting!  There's something really wrong with you if you like that sort of thing!"  I loved my dad and I didn't mind being like him.  That wasn't an insult to me.  I had no idea that a) my dad was a porn addict and b) his choice of perverted books were not normal.  So, the message she sent me was confusing.  Didn't all parents watch porn?  To this day I didn't know if she thought I wanted to be a porn addict like him or if I was perverted because I read one of his books that depicted rape?  At the time I had no idea what any of that was.  But then I grabbed one of his books and found out it had to do with sexual acts with children.  I put it back, feeling disgusted, and never got into his closet again.  And I wondered why anyone would have that book.  But rather than talking to me about, she did what she did best: accuse me of being a pervert.  
• Being sexually active as a teen means you're automatically a whore.  At age 15, I had a steady boyfriend, whom I dated for two years from ages 15-17 (never mind he was emotionally, physically, mentally, and sexually abusive).  Let's backtrack.....in grade 4, I kept getting bladder infections over and over again.  Then at age 15, the same thing happened.  The doc asked my mom to leave the room and asked me if I was sexually active, and I stupidly trusted the doctor and said yes.  He wanted to test me for STD's and found nothing...well duh.  I knew there'd be nothing to find, but he did it anyways.  So he told my mom and she said "You whore."  Then we went home and she started, in great mother fashion, she started throwing things around and screaming.  My dad came in and yelled "What's wrong?  What happened?"  She threw the bill at him and said "Look!  Your daughter is a whore!  She's having sex and was tested for STD's!!"  My dad's face turned dark.  "You fucking whore!"  This went on for awhile.  But I was with ONE guy....and we were in a long term relationship and maybe they should had been MORE worried that I was getting punched in the face, thrown across rooms, controlled to the point of losing all my friends, and was hurting myself to deal with it all.  Then, when we broke up and he started stalking me?  My mother told me "Just go talk to him!  He'll stop following you around if you just go talk to him!"  Never mind he punched me in the stomach earlier that day and I was scared to death of him.  
• I will put you in positions to get hurt, and I will do the same to your children.  When I was 14, my parents let me date a college freshman.  I didn't want to be alone with him when his dad wasn't home, but my parents kept telling me it was okay.  So he raped me out of my virginity.  Then let's add the countless parties they had when I was a kid, with drunken truck drivers and all sorts of messed up drug-addicted trash.  They never looked in on me and never cared what I was doing.  As a child, I was horrified to go to sleep alone while they had friends over.  I was obsessed with fear that someone would come into my bedroom to hurt me.  I have no idea why, I just knew it was a strong possibility.  Then, years later, my mother allowed a male stranger to go into the bathroom to use the toilet with my son taking bath in the same room, inches away.  Narcs are notorious to be loose on their parenting in these areas.  They don't care if you get hurt.  Maybe they want you to get hurt so they can blame you when you admit to what happened?  As it did a few years ago when I admitted I was raped at age 14.  My mother told all her friends "Oh god, she was sleeping around with everyone back then!"  Which was stupid, because what did rape have to do with that, even had that been true?  It wasn't, but wtf?  Let's also add onto this one that I also know I was molested by a family member, and my parents forced me to hug him at every single holiday, knowing I was scared to death of him.  They'd all laugh and laugh when I'd run away from him at 90mph and he would chase me.   And I am sure my mother knows he did this, but is choosing to ignore it, because she doesn't want it to be true.
• Sleeping next to your children of the opposite sex makes you a pervert.  This is one she's said to me (which led to the reason that I sent her that anniversary card).  And then she told me she said the same thing to her husband when he slept next his own girls.  Though, I will say, she made his all about the fact that he was sleeping next to his girls in his underwear.  But when I did it, it was the fact I was next to my kids at all.  Never mind she slept next to me as a kid, IN HER UNDERWEAR, but we're the same sex, so that's okay, right?  I just wonder what happened to make her believe this POS idea.  
• Everything makes you either a whore or a pervert.  Wearing too much makeup.  Wearing clothes that may show off things.  Anything sexual, ever.  Etc. etc.  She's obsessed with these things and probably feels that way herself, so she wants me to feel the same as her.  Everything is about sexual repression, and shame with her.  Which I think reflects the narcissist's 5 year old ego very well.  Children of narcs grow up with some fucked up beliefs about sex, with their mothers either being totally repressed or the complete opposite.  This is due to them reacting to their own mother's abusive views on sex, and that's due to their parents' abusive views on sex, and so on and so forth.  So, if your mother tried to give you her fucked up views on sex and now you're suffering?  Try to end that LOOONNNNGGGG cycle of fucked views being passed onto their children by being open and honest (and totally age appropriate) with your own kids.  This topic always brings up shame for most of us children of narcs, due to our mom's behavior or beliefs.  But work with a therapist or some work on your own to try to change how you view this topic and see if you can find some healing to undo the damage your mother has done to you so we don't keep (inadvertently) pass it onto our kids.  

I could probably dig into my memories and find some more (like the time I thought it would be funny to pretend like the kids I saw in a movie who were peeking at their parents having sex, yet it was pitch black & I couldn't see anything at all and my parents weren't even having sex, but my mom saw me and called me a...........you guessed it, a PERVERT!).  But you get the idea.  My mom is horribly sexually stupid and tried to pass her dysfunction onto me.  Yay. 

When you were born
You made my life whole
You gave me a reason
To exist outside of myself

Before you
I was a child
Only thinking of me
And nobody else

But you taught me
How to love
How to live
And how to give

I am a better person
For having you
And I will be grateful
Until the end of time

You will always come first
I will be there when you need me
And I will back off
When you don't need me

For your life is your own
Not mine to control
We are separate
Yet together, we are whole

Like two puzzles pieces
That belong to many puzzles
I will proud of you when you
No matter what puzzle you are completing

With me
Or without me
You will always be my child
And I will always love & support you

My job is to teach you how to be
Your own person with your own life
Not a carbon copy of me
Or someone who thinks I am perfect

But you are perfect, my child
Just the way you are
And I will love you
Always, and forever.

This is how she makes me feel...like I am dealing with a toddler:







So, I was talking to our mutual friend yesterday and I let it slip that I did block my mother's phones from calling me.  She said "Phones?"  I said "Yeah, her home phone and her cell".  She said "Oh, you already know about her cell?  She said you didn't know."  Now, this irked me, because by my friend not telling me my mother had a cell phone, she was putting me in the position to get a call from her without me knowing, which isn't fair.  She knows I don't want to talk to her.  I wasn't asking her to tell me the number (she did have it, btw), I'd would have just appreciated the heads up.  But, she was told not to tell me by my mother, so she didn't.  *sigh*

So my friend asked me "How did you find out?"  I was going to tell her, because it's no big deal, but then I realized a) I'd be showing my hand (and you always want the upper hand with a narcissist), b) I'd lose that hand, and c) she didn't tell me about the phone, so why should I tell her how I learned about it?  So I replied (to jokingly quote my mother, which kind of felt icky to say) "Oh, I have my ways".

So later yesterday, she told BM that I blocked both of my mother's phones and BM was freaking out about fact I already had my mother's cell number.  Like, over dramatic freaking out.  *sigh*  I giggled at that one.  Drama queen. 

Apparently my mother was going to call me sometime from it, thinking she had one up on me.  She told all her friends this.  That I'd answer because I wouldn't know who it was.  Little did she know that I don't answer calls I don't know, and had she left a message, I would have immediately blocked her anyways.  So, derrrrrr.  *facepalm*

Her plans are foiled, once again.

I like having the upper hand in things, but geezus it's tiring.  And I am ready to be done with it all.  It's so hard when you live a block away, though.  We need to move so I can get some peace.  Though, I will say, that our mutual friend?  Is the tie that binds.  And I need to move away from all that secondhand information that I am getting so I can move on with my life.  Right now?  It's odd.  I kind of need to hear these things, so I can feel that justification I was talking about in a previous post.  That I made the right choice here (though, I really, really do know that no contact is 100% the right choice).  I wish I didn't need that justification.  I wish I could just feel my choice was enough on it's own.  And I am getting there.  It's just so freaking complicated at times.  Arrgggh. 

Hey, but at least mother can't call me on her home phone OR her cell 😉  So that's something!

 

 

It doesn't feel good.  To wait for the mailman to come.  And to know he probably won't.  Or, if he does, to know there will be nothing for you in his stack of advertisements.  I feel like a five year old.  Every year I do this.  Excited, because I love getting cards in the mail.  I love putting them up on my hutch so I can look at them until after my birthday is over.  Though for the past few years, I only get one, from my birth grandma, which is totally fine with me because I am grateful to have at least one.  Though last year, the mail man brought nothing.  I was kind of devastated.  Part of the reason I don't get cards anymore is that my cousin got a hold of my entire family to tell them I am batshit crazy because I wrote one simple blog about my abuse growing up.  So now my entire family has nothing to so with me (I only chose to go no contact with my two cousins, I still have two more cousins and an aunt, but now they won't speak to me either).  And other people, a.k.a. my birth family, seem to have forgotten I exist.

Last year, my birthgrandmother told me Happy 39th Birthday on HER facebook account, where I could not see it.  I am not friends with her on FB.  I only knew this happened because someone saw it and told me about it.

And then my birth mother never even sent an email or even a FB message, which she usually does (never have gotten a card from her before).  She then realized it was my birthday three days too late.  And it was ONLY because my son got on my grandma's account and told her how hurt I was that for the first time in my entire life, she didn't send me a card.  She fought my birth mother in court for custody of me.  When she lost, she wanted the court to put a stipulation in the adoption, which my birth mother agreed to, that she could correspond with me through the adoption agency, for Christmas and my birthday.  So, when I didn't get a card from her, it felt like a slap in the face.  Like everyone's love for me has a time stamp on it and that year was the year I as forgotten.  The only card I ever get for my birthday in the mail wasn't coming, because of why?  She obviously remembered my birthday, but there no reason she could not just send me a cheap fifty cent card or even a handmade one.  I could care less about the actual card, just the fact that someone remembered my birthday.  Someone I care about.

Had my son not sent something to her about it (just kidding, it was me, sending it under my son's name so I didn't look desperate as to why she forgot my fortieth birthday), my birth mother would have never even remembered.  Yet, she calls me her "daughter" to people (which isn't okay as I am not her daughter, I am her birth daughter, but I don't know how to bring this up politely).  She can't even remember my birthday, how can she think she's my mother?  It's very odd.  So she sends me this message three days after on Facebook:

"Hey Shay, I am so sorry I didn't reach out for your birthday. I've been juggling too many things lately. In fact, I haven't reached out to anyone for their birthdays. Hope things are going well for you and the boys. Great pic of the four of you on your page."

The part where she says "in fact, I haven't reached out for anyone for their birthdays" is where it feels like, yet another, slap in the face.  Am I just anyone?  If so, why does she have listed on her Classmates.com account that she has a daughter?  Why does she introduce me as her daughter to people?  Does she even understand what that word means?  How do you "juggle" too many things that you forget the person you gave birth to?  Or, why not send a belated card?  Granted, she's never sent me a card and only sparingly sent Christmas cards throughout the years (for the past 18 years or so), which I am fine with.  But still. 

I should not place so much emphasis on these two, like they are carrying my happiness about my birthday on their backs.  I think I do because of my own shitty mom.  The only constant stability I've ever had in my life is my birth grandma sending me a birthday card and a Christmas card each year.  And last year when it didn't happen, I felt like horrible shit.  And now, here I am, at the same time of year again, and wondering if anyone will remember?  Or care?  I mean, I will be turning 40.  It's supposed to be a big deal.  Yet, it feels like it's a big deal for everyone else in the world, but not me.  Just like always.  Growing up my birthdays were usually pretty shitty.  But a few were good (because I planned them).

Though my big ones?  Weren't made into big deals at all.  My 16th?  My mom planned nothing.  I just got to watch TV with my boyfriend all night.  My 21st?  I was nursing a baby, there wasn't much to do (though, my son was one of the best gifts I've ever gotten in my life, so I didn't care 😉  And several of my birthdays while married to my ex were 100% forgotten about.  So once I threw myself a birthday party, that way nobody could forget, and nobody ended up showing up.  And a couple birthdays at the house where my hubby and I are now, he tried to throw me a party a few times, and again, nobody showed up. 

It's really hard not to hate your birthdays with all that.  But the one constant I had had my entire life was my grandmothers cards (I always called her grandma, not "birth grandma").  And last year even that didn't happen.  So I am really struggling to not let that bother me.  I am really pushing myself to not care one way or another.  If I get any cards, then yay.  If not, no big deal.  But I know it will bother me.  But it's really not fair to ruin my own birthdays over people that don't matter.  Because I have people that DO matter, right here with me, under my own roof, that never forget my birthday 💖  So, I need to change my perspective on this and only let them matter anymore.  Because....they mean the most to me.  They are my reason for being happy that I am alive.  They are my life. 

So, this year, I know I won't get a card from my mother.  And I am totally fine with that.  And if I don't get a card from anyone else, I need to be fine with that, too.  Because I need to concentrate on what I have, not what I don't have.

And my birthday isn't just about me, it's about the family I adore also being able to celebrate me.  So me being a bitch on my birthdays because I hate it (seriously, I've ruined a LOT of birthdays because of this), made my family guilty that nothing they did was good enough for me. I've been soooo selfish for so many years, that I couldn't see this.  So this year, I refuse to let anyone bring me down.  Cards, or not cards, wishes or no wishes, forgetting or remembering, it doesn't matter anymore.  I am tired of letting the weenies of the world control me and how I feel about my own birthday.  I am tired of being manipulated for whatever narcissist wants to play games with me (and my family).  I am done.

Nobody is going to ruin anything for me anymore.  My New Year's theme for 2017 (I don't do resolutions) was: simplify.  And what better way to make things less complicated than this?

UPDATE 2021: This was published right before my 40th birthday.  Come to find out,  both her and my birthgrandma forgot my 40th too.  I had no idea just how much I was about to be disappointed when I wrote this.  Everyone forgot it.  Even the people that lived in my house. 

 

 

.....before I blocked her from emailing me again:


------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

 

 

 Unlike my mother, I have a soul.  And because of this, I am having a huge issue right now:

Guilt.

On my journey with my mother's narcissism, that's one thing I've never really felt much before.  I always feel justified in any action I take, pretty much no matter what.  I will say that I am very used to making big decisions based upon big events.  And usually I don't even stick to those big decisions.  When I make small decisions, they are done gradually and much easier than going cold turkey, as I have done now with no contact.

And another thing I realized, when I went NC with my mom four years ago, she started it, not me. She decided to not talk to me for however long, I just continued it.  So it was easy.  And, not to mention, she did something horribly, horribly wrong, which made it even easier to be angry at her.

But this time?  I feel strange.  I feel guilty.  This time it was all my choice, and it wasn't over anything huge, and certainly nothing I feel justified in not speaking to her anymore for.

But then I remember: it's not just about her knocking on my windows and screaming my name like a crazy person, it's about every other little and big thing my family has endured throughout this past four years to get me to this point.  And when I went NC, it was because I could not fathom even one more second of having to deal with her bullshit.  I made a promise to myself, if she got to drive again, I would be done with her.  Because the only way our relationship even remotely worked was when she had no control over us.  But that wasn't working either.

I had tried to get every single one of her doctors to listen to me about her mental state, to take her driver's license away from her.  But not one would.  And to find out the only person who can report bad driving to the DMV in my state are police officers who witness her bad driving.  So we were fucked.  Getting an elderly person's license taken away is SO hard, which NEEDS TO CHANGE in this country (or my state, not sure how hard it is anywhere else).  "You're taking away their freedom..."  Do you realize how many people's "freedoms" are taken away each and every day due to having an illness that prevents them from driving and they are WAY younger?  Get over it, elderly people.  Old age happens and if you aren't fit to drive?  Then find another way to get transportation, like the rest of us do.  I couldn't drive for four years, plus I still don't drive without a licensed driver to take over for me when I can't anymore.  I adapted.  I took what I had to do and made the best of it.  And I am not even 40 yet.  And I am a very independent person, too.  And yet I don't complain about it.  I accept what my reality is. 

So, I had to listen to her make plans about how she was going to "get into my house to get the keys" or how I was stealing her car away from her, and blah blah blah.  Or I'd have to dealing with her calling every single day, even on the weekends, about how she wanted to go somewhere.  I kept telling her "Pick a few days and we'll go to all the places those days, you can't take over my life by asking me every single day."  Or she'd tell a friend to go with, and make me late on purpose for an appointment by telling whatever friend "Oh, go ahead and just browse, we aren't on any schedule" and I'd have to pipe in "Yes we are!  I have an appointment!"  It was constant, she'd always try to think of new ways to drive me utterly insane.  Or she'd call screaming at me that we haven't left yet, when we never had a time planned to go.  My stress levels were through the roof.

Then the depression set in last winter.  I saw no way of getting away from her.  I saw no way out.  So I gained like 30 or 40 more pounds (more than just last winter--I think the depression started way before).  Didn't want to cook (and I LOVE cooking).  I lost interest in everything.  I stopped taking showers as much.  I stopped even putting on clothes and would stay in my PJ's most days.  My anxiety was reaching all new highs.  My BP went up, when I have never had high BP my entire life (I blame it on the weight gain...I didn't start getting high BP until I started gaining weight).  My health (and mental health) just could not take her anymore.

And when I start feeling guilty, I need to remember this.  That previous paragraph?  Is enough to stop talking to her.  But then you add in all this:

• What she recently said to Lisa (BM)
•  How she cared less if we were hurt in a car accident
• Her growing racism and constant arguing
• How she goes behind my back and tries to start shit
• How she tries to control where my family goes and who my family sees
• How she tried to control my life by NEVER wanting to babysit her grandchildren (and I hardly ever asked her to anyways, but she'd always say no or make a huge deal out of it)
• Her constant fluctuations of mood of "Oh em gee! You're the best thing ever!!" and then "I hate you more than garbage!"
• How she plays favorites with my kids (and with me and my husband).
•  All the rude things she said to me back when I was first on my own as an adult.
• When she was being an asshole about my kids not seeing their bio-dad.

Oh god, this list could go on forever.  But you get the picture.  And so do I.  There is no guilt to be had.  I need to remember that I don't need a huge BANG to exit her life with.  Just a billion little things that add up to something greater than any big thing she could ever do.

And no, my guilt was never driving me to go back to her...when I left my ex, it was the same thing.  I didn't leave over a huge fight and felt justified.  I left over nothing....just a huge billion things that added up to something huge.  And I felt guilt then, too.  But eventually, I got over that guilt, and began to realize it was the best choice I ever made.  This will be, too.  For my entire family.

*sigh*  I just wish I could be more happy about it.  Dancing in the streets happy.  But I am just not there yet.  I will be though.  Eventually.  💖

I find it strange how much you can be holding back without even knowing it and it comes out when you least expect it.

Like, my issues usually come out when someone on TV or a movie has experienced the same thing I have (whether I remember it or not).  I will freak out, usually start crying (only when alone, I don't cry around people), or just have a feeling of uneasiness or even sometimes, a full-blown panic attack.

Today I was finishing up my movie I was watching on Netflix called "Daughter".  It's Australian (with some American actors, too) and it was really, really good.  The whole movie is based upon the idea that every single character's happiness depended upon another human being.  And this movie shows what happens when you live like that, because those people?  Will always, always let you down.  Not because they are bad, but because they are human.

So there's this scene (I won't give it away) between a dad and his daughter, where he broke her heart so badly she just crumpled to the ground in a heap.  He broke her.  I've been broken before.  I knew exactly what it felt like to be her.  To have my parents brake me into pieces so small that I felt like I could never be put back together again.  To feel abandoned, alone, and thrown away like a bag of garbage.

I watched this girl lay on the ground and brake into a million little pieces and I just started bawling my eyes out.  I couldn't handle it.  The thing is, I've never forgotten what that feels like.  I have dreams about it.  All of my daydreams end that way: abandoned and forgotten.  I feel like a jackass, like I am searching for attention in my own daydreams, but I just can't control it.  And just like in real life as a child: nobody ever comes to save me.  I just lay there, broken.  And I stay that way.

Deep down inside, I guess I just can't shake that feeling.  That I have no parents.  I have no family.  I have nobody.  But when I snap out of it I realize I do have a knight in shining armor: my wonderful husband.  He'd never let me stay broken.  He'd never abandon me (on purpose).  And I do have family: my beautiful children.  They are always there for me and my husband, as we are for them.

But just like in the movie, I cannot rely on my family to be my only source of happiness.  Because one day, my boys will get married and have kids and lives of their own.  And one day, my hubby and I will grow old and, well, you know where I am headed with that.

My point is: I need to find a way to get over my own abandonment issues (which started when I was a baby--given up for adoption at 6 months old, then put into two foster homes, and then finally adopted--four homes in one year) and find happiness in just being me.  That my search for a family member to love me as much as I could love them....is just not working out.  I've reached out to my possible birth father (I am adopted) and he wants nothing to do with me.  I reached out to his daughter, my possible sister, and she couldn't give to two shits (she literally told me she was searching for another possible sister she may have and doesn't believe I am related to her).  And you already know the situation with my own estranged family.  And while my birth mother's family is pretty great, I just don't feel like their real family (I really like them all, but I always feel like an imposter around them, like I am taking up space where their real family could be--we all act like friends, and not actual family--which is okay, it's a complicated situation).    I am always looking to replace the family I never really felt like I had when I was growing up.  And it's just not working out.

I need to stop.  I need to be okay with people walking away from me (whenever I've had friends do this, I've really, really overreacted).  Because people leave.  That's a part of life.  And I need to stop feeling like there's a void to fill.  I need to fill up that void with my own love, instead of seeking out other people to do it for me.  I need to find a way to heal that unloved inner child, the one nobody ever wanted.  Because nobody can fill that void but me. 

The same goes for any of you out there reading this:  your mother didn't love you, and your father supported your mother.  And this most likely left a void inside of you, a feeling of abandonment, of being unloved and unlovable.  Instead of seeking someone or something outwardly to patch up that wound, do some inner work instead.  Find out the core of that wound (mine, as I found out today, is a feeling of abandonment) and go from there.  Do some journaling, or whatever you can find that speaks to your soul.

The real issue is that you can't take your power back if you are constantly giving it to others to fix you.  Your power is yours.  Your mother tried to steal it.  Your father supported her.  And maybe they succeeded?  I know mine did.  But now it's time for you to take it back and reintegrate it back into your being.  Meaning: healing your broken inner child rather than trying to ignore it, bandaid it, or give it's power away to someone else to try to make them heal it with their love or approval.  Because that just doesn't work.  Yes, finding someone who truly loves you and treats you well will help heal it, but the real work?  That's only something you can do.

I will be sure to find some exercises you can try and post them here and on my Facebook page when I find them.  I will do them too and post what I find as I go. 

For as much as I think I am healing, there's always something that comes up to show me "Hey!  You've still got work to do!"  *sigh*  Well, time to get to work.