My mom is so nice to me.  Though it's Tuesday and I haven't talked to her since Wednesday's Thanksgiving (we had it a day early).  She's broke and doesn't need anything from me, so she doesn't call.  I am going to give her a call in order squash my growing anxiety, wondering if she's angry with me (though, why should I even care?)

But, back to what I was saying.  She's been so very nice to me, especially on holidays.  When she has no leverage against me, she's always nice.  Uber nice.  It's not as far as the "clapping as I walked into the room" crap (as you can go back and read about in previous posts), but it's close.

So, we're sitting there, having Thanksgiving, everyone's being so nice.  Almost like a real family.  And rather than sucking it up, like I used to..."Mommy really DOES love me!", I am actually pissed deep down inside.  Well, it's not that deep.  Surfacely, I am nice back, happy even.  But just right below that surface layer, is my seething anger.  Not ready to bubble to the surface or anything.  Just....like a calm pool of anger and resentment.  Knowing the truth makes for a poor holiday. Knowing what she's capable of.  Knowing that if she didn't need me, she'd be being a horrible bitch to me instead (which is her normal holiday behavior). 

*sigh*  I am just so tired of this fake ass charade we all have to pretend.  Oh well.  I will get by.  I will deal with it.  I will put up with it.  Because that's my only choice right now.

Though I am going to put her in her place about calling my kids' father "the sperm donor" to their faces.  What a bitch.  Right at the Thanksgiving table, too.  Calling my kids traitors because they were spending real Thanksgiving with him.  Jokingly, but not okay.  And that's not going to happen anymore.  Period. 

So, at least that gives me pleasure knowing I can get smart assy with her about something, at least LOL  *sigh*  So sad, right?  When you live to find things justifiable to be mad about with your mother? haha  Yeah, well, it makes me feel better.  ;)  I'll let you know what happens.

So, my mom is getting more and more and more racist these days.  Her dementia is getting worse almost every day, as is the racist crap that falls out of her mouth.  I HATE taking her out in public anymore, and recently she's been having me shop for her instead (which is soooo much better). 

But, Thanksgiving comes (we had ours yesterday instead of today) and I am left alone with her.  So she says this:

Mother:  Do you think black people think Black Friday is all about them? 

Me: Oh goodness, wow.  Yeah, no, ma.  The term "black" in Black Friday means it's the biggest shopping day of the year and.....

Mother: (interrupting) No it's not.

Me: Yes it is. 

Mother: No it's not.  There are other days that are bigger.

Me:  No, it literally means their fiances are "in the black"...

Mother: (interrupting) No. Did you know that *blah blah blah blah something other than what we're talking about* (she didn't say that, she literally talked about something else)

Me: You interrupted me.  "In the black" means......

Mother: *blah blah blah blah off topic rambling about something I wasn't listening to*

Me: (mumbling under breath)  ....wow, guess I can't finish a sentence when mom wants to be racist....


I laughed about it later, but I have no idea why she was interrupting me like that, as she hasn't done that so blatantly in a really long time, but hey, she was trying to make a point, dammit! LOL  "I want to be racist and you can't stop me!" 

*sigh*  Fun. 

I hope your Thanksgiving was narcissist free! 

There's a song by Suzanne Vega called "Toms' Diner" with a verse that goes:

When I'm feeling
Someone watching me
And so
I raise my head
There's a woman
On the outside
Looking inside
Does she see me?
No she does not
Really see me
Cause she sees
Her own reflection

This sums up narcissism in a nutshell.  When they look at us, they are really only seeing their own reflection.  Remember that the next time they treat you badly.  They don't really see you.   All they see is themselves.  Just like the original tale of Narcissus.

There is a little person inside of you who never got what he or she needed when they exists in the world.  They never got validation for their feelings.  They never got love.  They were never heard or nurtured.  Some were never hugged.  Some were abandoned.  Some were beat.  Some were humiliated.  And none possessed the tools to understand why these things happened, as they were too little to understand.  

The problem I see with many newcomers to NPD is that they don't understand this one simple fact.  And not accepting it?  Well, that will give you crazy ideas, such as "false hope", and "I know if I can just reach her, I can convince her" syndrome.  You know, that idea that if you just write the right letter to her, or say the right words, she will come around and understand what's done wrong and apologize.  I am going to happily burst your bubble right now:

That will never, never happen.  

And I say happily, because most people say "sorry to burst your bubble", but I am not sorry.  Not one bit.  Why?  Because the title of this blog post is the ONE thing you need to realize so you can heal and move on.  THE.  ONE.  THING.  If you only understand one thing about this disease, let it be this.  Because without this understanding, you will be stuck.  Forever.

Because she just doesn't love you.  Why?  Because she is incapable of love, period.  It's not YOU she doesn't love, it's anyone, including herself.

"But my mom is different!" you scream.  No.  She isn't.  Yes, your mom may have done some amazing, and spectacular things for you in the past.  But know, it was not done out of an act of love.  It was done out of an act of self-perseverance.   Meaning: Yo mama only acts like she loves when you when it makes her look good.   It can be to you, or to a whole group of people, or your dad.  Or in front of whomever.  She does nice things to brag about them later.  She does nice things in order to say she's a good mom when you say she isn't.  She'll remind you.  "Remember when I did that for you??  You weren't call me a bad mom then!"  She stores these acts up in a bank, so she can refer to them either to herself so she can convince herself she's a good mom, or so she can refer to them to others so she can convince them she's a good mom.

"But, I know my mom loves me."  Take a deep breath in.  Now let it out slowly.  And repeat after me:
Not all moms love their kids.  And our moms do not love us.  

You might feel it in your heart and bones that she loves you.  You can yell it.  You can scream it.  You can cry it.  But this one truth is such a very hard truth to admit.  We tend to associate our need for parental love as a need for approval, and we internalize that lack of parental love as "we aren't good enough to love".  But that's simply not true.  You ARE good enough to love.  More than good enough.  You deserve love.  You deserve happiness.  But just know, your mother is not the one who's going to give it to you.

"Who will?" you ask.

"You will," I reply.

You will love yourself.  You will give yourself all that love you never got from her (and will never get).  You will be your own mother.  And you will take the place of her.  You don't a person who calls herself your mother to be your actual mother.  You can heal the damage she's caused inside of you.  You can heal all that pain, all that anger, all that BS by learning to be your own mother.  Because YOU know so much better how to be a better mother than she is.  You might not even realize that you know it, but you do.  You know what you need.

And how do you do this?  Well, first I am going to throw some blog pages at you.  Go explore them.  Google "inner mother" and the such.  Then com back, and I will write some blogs of my own that can add to what you've already learned.  I will include some exercises on how to heal that inner child of yours.  I will be using some I did myself, as some I've learned from other books.  And from there, we can move on to becoming whole.

I know my blog is my outlet for my own issues with my mother, but now I'd like to head in a new direction towards healing.  Yes, I still will rant about mother LOL  That will never end.  But who wants to read only about that?  You have your own mother to deal with without having to hear about mine all the time.  So, let's move forward.  Together.

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So, by accepting that our mothers are incapable of love, we can move forward, let go of the NEED to be good in her eyes.  It's like, if we know our goldfish can't walk, would we put a leash on it and take it to the park?  (nevermind the whole "my fish can't breathe without water thing...")  No, we accept it as truth, and keep that fish in his tank with his water, and let him be a fish.  That frees up our lives so we can concentrate on other things.

So when we accept our mothers are incapable of love, we stop trying to force them to love us.  We can put her in her space, and let her be a narcissist.  And that frees us from trying to make her do or be something she isn't.  And THAT, give us the space to heal.   And that, my friends, is why this is the one universal truth that we need to accept about NPD.



LINKS:

ReParent Your Inner Child

Inner Child Work

Healing Your Mother Wound

Learn How to Love Yourself

Getting to Know Your Core Wound

Healing the Child Within

6 Steps to Help Heal Your Inner Child