Healing From Her: March 2016

When you have a narc parent, you know all about paranoia. I wish we didn't have to deal with this nasty side effect, but when you're dealing with narcissistic people, it's inevitable.

Because everywhere you look, there's a boogyman (or a flying monkey). The flying monkey/boogymen in my family are my nasty cousins. They are grown women, almost 50 years old, yet act like quite the children. Narcissism knows no bounds, and there is absolutely no age limit.

So when I check the stats on my blog, and I see someone who's read it from in an area where my cousins live, I get completely paranoid. And if you've been a reader since day one, you've known what I've had to deal with when it comes to them. They are the entire reason I started this blog in the first place---because they are the reason I found out my mom is a narc.

To give you a little refresher: I had another blog in which I wrote a post about how I was dealing with the pain and hurt from being abandoned by my one cousin when I was a kid. She used to live with us and knew my father was abusing us, and didn't do anything to help. She just up and left, leaving me behind to continue being abused. So, she read that blog (because her narc daughter got a hold of it and showed her) and showed it to her sister, and then went to my mother, showed it to her, AND then went to my in-laws (whom she never met before) and told them what I did and what a horrible (and insane) person I was. My mom blew her lid and we had an all out war that lasted a few months.

Fun.

What my cousin didn't know was that the post was prompted by my therapist and there was no way to know who I was, or who my cousin was. Instead of apologizing for abandoned me (or talking to me about it), she called me a "crazy bitch" while she was working in her 3rd grade classroom as a teacher. I could have called her boss and told them she was using the time in her classroom to harass me with nasty text messages instead of teaching, but I am not like her. I could care less what the hell she does in her life, as long as she leaves me alone.

So anyways, back to the paranoia, so I get really paranoid when I see people who live near me finding my blog on their own or from my FB page. Today I found a reader who I thought lived in my exact city, which freaked me out a little because a) they found me through Facebook and I only just made my corresponding Facebook page, so nobody I know would know about my FB page and b) out of everywhere in the world (Slovenia is one *waves to my Slovenia reader!!*) how are people finding my blog who live so close to me? I mean, I am not complaining, not at all. But being that I have "family" all around my state, it gets me paranoid sometimes. But then I did some research and found that this particular person could live anywhere in my state. And I found out that when you google certain things, it will show those in your city first because that's where you live. But, being internet illiterate at times, I saw my city's name and got freaked out. So, it's my own fault.

So it was a fluke.....a total coincidence, just me being over reactive and silly. But if you have a narc mom, you totally get where I am coming from. I go out of my way to hide my identity so I can share my stories with the world---because I don't want others to think they're alone in this--and somehow I have a nice little group of readers from my area who don't even know they're in my area :)

*waves to you all who live near me!!*

Sometimes I wish my crazy family would find my blog (and get it over with!). Only so I can smile and say "you can bully me all you want, but I am not backing down". Because my family does bully me when I piss them off...like sending me unmarked letters in the mail and other crazy shit. But I know deep down inside I would not like them find out about this blog, because if they did, they'd be harassing me about it and I know my mother would know about it immediately and attack me. My family is very typically narcissistic. And they follow their certain typical narcissistic rules that they never deviate from.

I am called crazy because I refuse to stay silent about my abuse. I am punished for "outing my family online" when nobody ever knew who I was talking about or who I even was (on my old blog). I never had my name attached to anything, but that didn't matter, all that mattered was that I was exposing their abusive nature to the public (they only knew because they were on my FB and I didn't think they ever read my blog, so I posted a link once.....just so happens, my one cousin's daughter decided to click on it....OOPS! Lesson learned...) And we can't have that, can we? No way. Someone might see them for who they really are, even if they don't know who they actually are. And that's sacrilege!

I also know better. I am not about publicly shaming my idiot family. Not in a way that would tell you all their names, addresses, where they work, or otherwise. I am not a jerk. 1) That's illegal. 2) Only total douchebag narcs would do something like that. And 3) How would that help my cause? I am here to help other victims of maternal narcissistic abuse know they aren't alone and to help educate them on what maternal narcissistic abuse really is. So how would outing my family do that? No, that would be revenge, which is something I am not seeking. Granted, yes, it feels good to talk about what they've done to me and my family. It's cathartic. But it's not revenge. It's being open about what's happened to me. It's being honest. And if they ever stumble upon this blog and figure out it's me? Well, what can I say? If my honesty humiliates them online, then what will happen when my memoir comes out? LOL *shudder* Better keep my fake name on that, too!

But I am glad to know that my paranoia was for nothing. Well, at least I hope so...LOL And who cares if they see this? I don't think they ever could find this blog, but if they do?

*blows kiss*

Hope you like what you see, because you can't silence me anymore with your bullying :)

So I talked with my mother's neurologist and found out that more than likely my mom's condition is caused by Parkinson's and dementia and not from what my mom hoped it was.

Recently, she's started taking vitamin B12 shots because she was supposedly low. My mom was under the impression if she took these shots, she'd get back up to where she'd need to be and would live happily ever after. A vitamin B12 deficiency can cause almost everything Parkinson's can cause, and if not caught in time, the issues are irreversible. Well, she's had issues for over three years, so I'd say that's quite a long time to have it be curable.

I have no idea if the nurse who called to schedule the appointments told her this could happen or if she hurried up and googled this and came to that conclusion herself.

So I checked her lab results and found she was in the normal range of everything she was tested for and called her neurologist to see why she's getting the shots at all. Turns out, she's in the low range of normal, so she while she still needs the shots, she's technically not low, and definitely not low enough to have such huge side effects as what's going on with her body.

So, now I have to be the one to tell her that she can't be cured. Yay.

I know my mom had her hopes up. Despite her being a mean person at times, that doesn't negate the fact she's a human being with feelings and now she's going to have to accept her original diagnosis all over again. *sigh*

Life isn't fair sometimes.

And now she's freaking out about her car and about having to pay for it while she can't drive (her neurologist informed me that she should NOT be driving, ever), and now we're going to have to find out what we need to do about that. Because we all agree (our mutual friend and my hubby and myself) that she WILL call the police on us eventually for not giving her car back to her when she wants it (equally due to her delusions and narcissistic rage....even though can't drive, but is also getting her license taken away--UPDATE 2021: she never had her license taken away, not properly, not yet). I think we need to buy a used car to drive her around all her millions of appointments and give her car back to the dealership. That way we can stop any future issues before they even start. *sigh*

Now, while I know my mom has been terrible at times, I can't imagine it feels good to be losing everything--the ability to drive, the ability to walk, the ability to hear, to ability to actually live...

It has to be one of the scariest things you can go through. But, I will say, while it's scary, yes, my dad found out he had cancer and 6 weeks later he was dead. The same exact thing happened to our mutual friend's sister just a week ago. So, while it's scary, there is perspective to be had: at least this is a slower process. And while it is a death sentence, you have years rather than weeks. But it's still a horrible thing to go through. I can't even imagine (and never want to have to) what it's like to go through something like this. It's so horribly sad to think about.

My compassion will not blind me to the truth of what and who she really is. But it does give me a place to come from with every single one of my actions with her and my judgments. I don't have to be as bothered by the things she says or what she does, when I know at times, it will come from a place of an extreme fear of mortality, rather than "just being a jerk". Though, she'll still be that at times, too LOL

I just hope nothing gets too crazy and we can all journey together on this path with no really big issues. I would rather spend the last amount of time with my mother that she has left in a calm atmosphere rather than a chaotic one. It would be better for her, as well. But only time will tell what will come. And there's nothing I can do about it.

It seems as if all of our narcissistic mother's issues stem from her narcissistic wound. This wound was perpetrated upon her in childhood by her own parents, when she needed attention or love or admiration or comfort, and instead was ignored, shamed, or humiliated. I assume this was an ongoing thing that happened, and not just one particular incidence. You can't have loving parents who make one mistake and then end up with a narcissistic child. No, this has to be cemented in a child's brain, that they are only good enough when they are perfect.

This wound is opened up every single time they receive an injury (whether real or perceived). This is the deep and everlasting and immortal thoughts of their parents "You aren't good enough" repeated in their heads which causes them to lash out. Now, you have to have a special type of person who hears these words and lashes out in rage rather than funneling that feeling into something more healthy such as fuel to propel their lives forward to prove they certainly are worth something. Although some, like myself, have taken those words and internalized them which ends up stunting many areas of our lives rather than propelling them forward. But still, neither of these types of people are narcissists, even though we received the same narcissistic wounds as our parents. If someone points out we're wrong, we don't retaliate by smear campaigns or screaming at people and belittling them back. We might feel hurt, and that's normal, but the narcissist will feel utterly ashamed and humiliated over tiny little things. Because that same wound, that one website describes as one that "opens us up to the nothingness of the dissolution of the self", for the narcissist isn't integrated into their emotional being as it is for the rest of us who aren't narcissists, but had narcissistic parents. Instead, it stunts their growth right then and there, and they stay forever as that little child who learns not only that he or she will never be good enough, but takes it so internally as an utter humiliation to their core.

But here is why I think this is total bullshit:

We ALL have narcissistic wounds. Every single child of a narcissistic parent has them. But not all of us follow in our parents' footsteps to become what they are. Raise your hand if when you fail you've felt shame? Or when you've said something you perceive as dumb, you have gotten red in the face? Or have been embarrassed of your lack of knowledge on something? And then raise your other hand if you've felt pretty humiliated or ashamed when these things have happened, perhaps a little more than you should? Now raise your right foot if you've heard or felt the words "you're not good enough so why even try?" when you've tried to learn something new and failed? Now raise your left foot if you've been told you're a highly sensitive person (or felt like you're one)?

I see a lot of hands and feet waving in the air right now. (Now wave them like you just don't care!)

So, what's the difference between us and them? Why was their horrible treatment of us not internalized as the need to construct elaborate lies and stories in order have to hide what we don't want others to see (which is that we're total failures)? Why were the words "you're not good enough" told to us by them not treated as a way to pretend that we are not only good enough, but better than everyone else? How come when we feel bad about ourselves, we'll wallow rather than retaliate? How come when we feel ashamed about ourselves we will ask the other person what we did wrong rather than accuse them of being the one who did something wrong, because fuck that noise, WE'RE PERFECT DAMMIT! Why don't we react that way?

Because, friends, we're not fucking narcissists, that's why. We carry the same narcissistic wounds (which are literally wounds created by our narcissistic parents) as they do, yet, we aren't narcissists.

So tell me, psychologists of the world, again how this is the hole in which our abusive and narcissistic parents were born from? You should me one and I will show you 100 more that didn't turn into narcs with the same wound.

No, my friends, narcs are born, not created. They are high functioning sociopaths, plain and simple. And every single family I've ever interviewed or talked with, you can clearly seen the line in which the genes are passed down from parent to child, over and over again.

One family in particular, the woman was born to a family of 6 kids. She's the youngest, along with her twin brother. The brother was the golden child, as were the rest of the children, and she was the scapegoat (who was the scapegoat before she was born is unknown). Her mother was horribly abusive and narcissistic and never once told her "I love you". But her brother was the best thing since sliced bread. She eventually got away from her family, joined the Navy, and married a man she met while deployed, who was also in the Navy. They had four children. But before the next three were born, she noticed there was something wrong with her oldest. He liked to kill small animals and had no regard for anyone but himself. Eventually, after all the kids became teenagers, he hatched a plan murder his entire family. He picked up his grandfather to drive them out to murder them, but the plan was botched by a passerby who saw him with a gun on the side of the road with the grandfather. The passerby got shot (though he didn't die), and the kid was put into prison.

All of her children were raised with love and caring from their mother, but that gene was passed down from her family (and her husband's bloodline) and created a psychopath. He wasn't severely abused, horribly neglected or hurt as a child, but sociopaths and psychopaths are all cut from the same cloth. Both her and her husband suffered the same narcissistic wounds as children, but she didn't become a narcissist, though her husband was. Their kids all suffered the same narcissistic wounds from their father, yet only one turned out to be a narcissistic psychopath. And we can't sit and say "Well, he was born that way" and not realize that every single narcissist were also born that way. That every single narc has it running in there genes. Do your own research, and you'll see just how true that is.

Another family I met had a narcissistic son, the overt type. He was the apple of his mother's eye. She, a narcissist herself, raised her son with total acceptance, every single thing he did was right, even the bad stuff. He was the best of the best. He was perfect. His narcissistic wounds differ from those who are told they aren't good enough. These types are told "you are always good enough, you are always better". So they get the idea that unless they are performing at the top of their game, they aren't good enough, whether they are actually told that or not. My own uncle was treated as a king, he was always perfect in the eyes of his parents, and he believed that he was perfect until the day he died, that he was above everyone else and didn't have to conform to social norms and held everyone else to a higher standard than he did himself.

The question remains, what if a sociopath is born to a family who aren't narcissists? I say it's impossible. If you really look closely, you'll see that every single psychopath and sociopath in prison and otherwise, that somewhere in their bloodlines, there are narcissists. And always, always, at least one parent, if not both are.

The narcissistic wounds had by non-narcissists and their narcissistic parents are the same. The difference is the way we internalize it due to the way our brains work. We aren't sociopaths. They are.

MD Health.com says that you need to have at least three of these to be considered a sociopath (anti-social personality disorder):

According to ICD-10 criteria, presence of 3 or more of the following qualifies for the diagnosis of antisocial personality disorder (~sociopathy):

Callous unconcern for the feelings of others.
Gross and persistent attitude of irresponsibility and disregard for social norms, and obligations.
Incapacity to maintain enduring relationships, though having no difficulty in establishing them.
Very low tolerance to frustration, a low threshold for discharge of aggression, including violence.
Incapacity to experience guilt or to profit from experience, particularly punishment.
Markedly prone to blame others or to offer plausible rationalization for the behavior that has brought the person into conflict with society.

Well, according to that, my mom is a sociopath. And I bet yours is, too. According to one website (I read awhile ago, when I can find the link I will link it here), one psychologist suggests that all narcissism is just low level sociopathy. That it's a spectrum disorder, just like autism and schizophrenia, and the higher you go, the more likely you'll be diagnosed with it. As we can see the strides made in the diagnoses of autism (aspergers or ASD) with the diagnosis criteria being more widely recognized, I am sure in the future that narcissism will be seen on the sociopathic spectrum, as well.

I don't believe you can create a narcissist. You can create a certain type of narcissist, yes, but not a narcissist themselves. And it's definitely NOT only created by a narcissistic wound, as the information out there would lead us to believe. Because if that was the case, then every single child of a narcissist would be a narcissist themselves. And we know for a fact that's simply not true.

How about you? Do you agree with my conclusion? Do you recognize your own narcissistic wounds? Can you classify your mother as a sociopath as stated by the above criteria? Let me know and share your thoughts below.

Books and websites to check out:

The Sociopath Next Door by Martha Stout

I quoted this website above, even though it's a total New Age idea of narcissism, it's an interesting spin. Feel free to check out out here: A. H. Almass (I do not condone anything in this website, I am only including it for informational purposes only).

Identifying and healing narcissistic wounds from HubPages.com

"Narcissistic Injury" happens when something damages the narc's fragile ego and the shame they feel becomes unbearable, so they have to lash out.

A perfect example of this is my own mother, who yesterday had a meltdown because I wasn't there at her beck and call when she wanted something. So apparently made an appointment without telling me and expected me to be home to take her. She treated this as an emergency, judging by the seventeen times she called me IN A ROW, and then not leaving me any messages until the 17th time to "call her". She purposely never tells me what exactly she wants from me, she just expects me to come when she calls. And that's not including the time she called my husband at work to bitch him out because I wasn't there.

A narcissistic injury occurred when her control was weakened by me not being in the place she wanted me to be exactly when she wanted me there. It was a threat to her ability to control her own life. Now, the doctor's appointment was for starting a vitamin shot regimen, which was certainly not life or death, and even less to be considered an emergency. There was no reason for her to be freaking out and overreacting over an appointment she made just five minutes before.

Our mutual friend stopped by her house while this was going on. When she walked in, she saw that my mom was so angry, that she was throwing the phone down in the kitchen screaming "She won't answer her phone!!" She was calling my home number and not my cell number, because she thought my home and cell had the same number (I had been wondering why my mom stopped calling my cell a year ago).

So the narcissistic injury occurred, so what happens next?

I think we all know the answer to that:

Narcissistic Rage

Because you can't even have injury without rage when it comes to narcissism, or vice versa, because the first is the cause of the latter. So both of these things walk hand in hand with one another, which is something we need to remember when something injures them (whether it's a real threat or a perceived one). And remembering this keeps us on our toes so we can be prepared for the rage that will follow.

When I injured my mother's ego yesterday by not being available for her calls, she lashed out to my husband, our mutual friend, and myself, threatening to take her car back and drive herself places (considering she failed all her balance tests the previous day at the neurologist's office and her dementia, driving is off the table for her indefinitely), among other threats. She stomped her feet, threw her phone, made empty threats, made wild and crazy accusations, and prepared herself to do things she can't even do (like walking up to my house and stealing her car back). My mom's go to rage actions are always threats and lies. Sometimes she's hit me, but that's reserved for when I fight back (or once, about 11 years ago, she slapped me for slammed a plate down in the dishwasher because she accused me of being perverted with my own children because they were7 and 4 and I let them sleep next to me......yeah, my mom has some MAJOR psychological issues with opposite sex parents co-sleeping with their children--yet she had no issues sleeping next to me as a kid or letting my boys sleep in her bed when they spent the night...very odd).

And when this whole blog started (go back to my first post and you'll see) she tried to attack me in her house because I stood up to her. You don't stand up to my mom, that causes more narcissistic injuries than anything else on earth. And if you do stand up to her, her rage becomes a million times worse. So I always have to be careful never to push her to too far, unless I can easily run away from her. But normally I just don't go that far. I let her react like a child having a tantrum (which is what it really is) and I just walk away until she's done.

Narcissistic rage can come in all shapes and sizes, so when there is something to injure your mom's ego--whether you're not answering her phone calls, not bowing down to what she wants you to do, or proving her wrong in some way (and so many other things), be aware that retaliation is 99% of the time on the horizon. So always be prepared to protect yourself. Always.

What happens when your mom's ego has been damaged? How does she react? Please share below.

Narcissists are known for many things, but some of the most disturbing things are the things they force their children to do when they are too young to do them. They force children to assume either the parent or adult role, either in taking care of them or someone else or something else.

For one, my job as a child was "beer bringer". Anyone who forces their children to either make them alcoholic beverages or fetch them is being 100% totally inappropriate. Perhaps some parents today find this okay because they were made to do this as a child, but asking a child to get you alcohol says you have no respect for that child's childhood. I remember at my dad's funeral how my aunt and uncle would force their little girl (who was around 8 at the time) to pour up their wine for them. It was sick to watch, as they were slurring their words, yelling for their daughter to "pour them up another one" until they both went out to their van and passed out, while their daughter was left with me to care for (which I didn't mind, she was a great kid). So, as I got a little older, I started connecting the dots that "beer", and the ones I was asked to get for them, was the root of their abusive problems (or so I thought) and I'd take to hiding the beer from them, which got me slapped once...so I stopped that very quickly. But I thought it was my job to stop it all from happening...because I was allowed to touch that "forbidden fruit" to make them drunk, so then I was obviously allowed to touch it to stop them from being drunk. But apparently, I was very wrong.

As I got older and had my license, my job was to go fetch my dad from the bar and take him home. Back then, crusty old white trash trucker bars did not card, nor did they care if I was in the bar or not. So I could waltz right in, find my dad, have him and his drunk friends (that he just made while drinking there) offer me beer and whiskey and other drinks, I would politely decline, because I didn't drink, and then drag his ass out of there to take him home. His favorite game on the way home was "Let's see how fast his puppy can go!!" while slapping the dash of their red 1998 Ford Windsor mini-van. I'd have to find a road with no speed limit posted (which to my dad meant there was no speed limit) and tromp on the gas as hard as I could to see how fast his little mini-van would go. And for a moment, he was free....windows down, going as fast as he could while yelling "WHOO HOO!", no oppressive wife to give him shit about anything. Just me and him, riding in the night, while the wind blew our hair around driving 80mph in the middle of town. Luckily the road was a mostly abandoned place where nobody drove. But even though it was inappropriate of my mom to ask me to go get him at the bar when I was very underage, it was the only time him and I could be alone, without the horribleness of her. And with him being drunk, he was happy. And my dad was never happy. But on those nights, we were happy, together. Funny how you can remember something in your life that should be looked down on because your parents were so dumb and irresponsible, but instead can be some of the best memories ever. Well, mostly because a) we didn't get caught speeding and b) nobody died or got hurt.

When I was seventeen, my grandparents moved in with us. Grandpa's Alzheimer's was causing him to go downhill pretty fast and we set up the guest bedroom for them both in separate beds. Grandpa eventually had a stationary IV in his arm (not sure if that's the correct terminology or not....maybe a port??) that was used for giving him meds without having to poke him with needles. I can't remember what the meds were, I just remember the little vials with clear liquid. Eventually, my narcissist mother got tired of giving him his meds and she told me to do it. Ummmm, no. She clearly told me that if I get ANY air bubbles in the syringe at all, I could kill him. This scared the holy fucking shit out of me. I could accidentally kill my grandpa. Looking back, I wondered what in the holy fuck was my mother thinking? Did she want me to kill him? That would certainly take him off her hands for her. And she'd get his life insurance money, as it'd be a total accident perpetrated by her underage kid. This haunted me for so long, thinking how I loved him so much and I couldn't bear to be the person who ended his life. Yes, his quality of life sucked ass, but at the same time, he was my grandpa. And he deserved to live out his last days with those that loved him, not with his daughter who didn't give a rat's ass if her daughter would have to live the rest of her life knowing she accidentally killed her only grandfather. But, alas, I didn't kill him and I am pretty sure that I eventually left the house enough so she stopped asking me to give him his meds. But still, it should never have been asked of me to do it to begin with. I was fucking seventeen years old. What the hell?

Then my mom was hired by her next door neighbor to give her cat insulin shots. So, just like with Grandpa, she got tired of it and expected me to do it. I did it a few times and got freaked out and had to stop because I couldn't stop thinking, just like with Grandpa, if I did something wrong, it'd be my fault if the cat died. She wasn't too happy I refused to do it, but I just had to stop.

But these above? Are just child's play to the two horrible things that my husband can remember happening to him as a kid. When he was in grade school, his parents decided to put down their Siamese kitty because she had intestinal issues they couldn't control. So what did they have him do? They gave him the cat carrier and forced him to catch her so they could bring her to the vet to have her put down. He loved his cat and couldn't figure out why they made him be the one to bet the last family member to touch her before putting her down. He was just a child. He never got over that horror. He had to catch his own cat so she could taken to her death.

But the worst one of them all, the one that takes the cake beyond all things either one of us has had to endure at the hands of our narcissistic parents, was when his sister was practically dying from a stroke and he had to sit up with her "in case she started to die". He was FOURTEEN years old. His parents went to bed and he sat up on the couch all night with his sister, holding her, hoping she didn't die, not letting her fall asleep, all while she was shaking and jerking in his arms. That has scarred him for life. I can't even imagine what that was like for him or how he even got through that without freaking out.

The point here is, folks, that narcissistic parents will pawn off their most important duties to their children just because they can. They are not only irresponsible, they are lazy and will leave their children in dangerous situations, putting them in the position to do something SO adult that it can and will scar that child for life. If your sister dies in your arms at 53, it will scar you for life. If she dies in your arms when you're 14, what do you think that could do to you for the rest of your life? Why didn't his parents stay up with her instead? Why was a child left in charge of the possibly dying other child? What if she had died that night? Oh yeah, they could blame him. By putting their child in charge, they were no longer held accountable for what happened next. The same goes for my own parents when I had to be put in charge of Grandpa's medicine injections or the neighbor's diabetic cat's insulin injections.

All of their accountability is erased when they are no longer in charge.

It's like they have turned back into little kids, themselves, and they can't handle the outcomes anymore. They need someone else to handle the "big stuff" instead of them. Or they want someone to blame if things go wrong. They don't want the blame, so they defer it to a child instead. It's quite sick, if you ask me. But then again, isn't most of what they do? I mean, the situations they put us in repeatedly, waiting for something bad to happen to us, just so they can deny it later? Or the gaslighting when they deny any abuse ever happened? Or (insert a million things here)? Honestly, most of what they do is sick.

And we won't even fully comprehend the extent to our abuse until later in life and maybe never will. This is why I blog. To explore all the facets of my abuse and those around me who were also abused. Also to share our stories with you, so you can explore your own abuse.

Let's just hope we're all in a place where we can recognize when our parents are putting us in these positions and make sure they don't do that with our own children. And so we don't repeat their mistakes on accident, because we don't understand it's wrong.

Because we are better than our parents and our kids deserve better than we got.

So last week, a mutual friend's sister died. Mutual meaning a friend of mine who is also a friend of my mother's. My mom grew up with this friend, as with her sister as well. But we all went to the service, which was lovely (unlike my uncle's funeral where my cousin's played rap music during the service, for a man who loved Slim Whitman and Charlotte Church).

Right before the service, my mother told me that she sent our mutual friend a plant and signed it from all the neighbors, me and my family, and my aunt. I had no idea she was going to do this, but I found it was a nice gesture, although a little odd that she signed our neighbor's name to a family gift. But anyways, so a few days later, my aunt asked my mom if she wanted money for the plant and if she was taking up a collection. So my mom replied that she had asked everyone for money but nobody had any money to spare. Meaning that nobody would help her pay for the $50 peace lily.

Now my entire family is going to think that we refused to help her pay for something that she never even informed anyone she was even buying. *sigh*

Granted, I am no contact with my entire family, but I certainly do not want them thinking anything about us....only because when they think about us, they do bad things to us. Like sending unmarked hate mail to my house, or contacting my in-laws to spread lies about me, and many other things.

I am so annoyed with my mom and so angry with her, but what can I do? If I bring this up to her, nothing will change, nothing will be different. She will lie her way out of it, or at least try to. Right now, it's honestly just a waiting game with her. Her dementia is getting worse and today at the neurologist we're going to find out what else is going on (probably won't be diagnosed with SHIT because every doctor my mother sees doesn't give two shits about her mental or physical state).

And if I told my family my mom is a liar, they would not believe me and think I was the liar. And if I pretended to be my mom in her email or something to clear up her lies, it could come back to bite me in the ass. So I am stuck with letting her lie. Makes me think about all those mean and personal obituaries people write about their parents when they die, and it makes me want to do the same LOL

So today, she NEEDED ME to take her to the store. Yesterday, she called me TEN FUCKING TIMES when she couldn't get a hold of me because she had to get to the grocery store. It was ridiculous. Supposedly she was worried about me, but that's total BS. She even called my hubby at work to see where I was (though he had stayed home yesterday because he was sick so he wasn't there to take her call, but when I finally called her later when I was home she told me about it).

So today, I woke up my son to take her to the store. Today she has a neurologist appointment and I could not bear to have to have her drag me around for hours on end at the grocery store, too. So he took her instead. *phew* Some days, you need a break, even if it's only for part of the day. Some days, you need to pawn off your crazy ass mother on other people, because if it takes a village to raise a child, doesn't it also take a village to help us out with the elderly, as well? If not, it should.

Because caretaking isn't only a one person job. And if you have a narc mother who is elderly and needs help, that can literally burn you out faster than babysitting triplet newborns all by your lonesome. And my son doesn't get annoyed with her as much as I do, so that also helps.

But yeah. That's where we're at right now. Sitting here trying not to want to "fix things" because what my family thinks of me should not matter. Hell, who knows what else my mom has said about us (and we all know she has) so who cares of if there is one more thing?

It's hard to let go of the outcome, especially when it's your mother who's the one perpetrating the lies. It's hard to not want to lash out or get angry or walk away. It's hard to just let it go.

But I am working on it.

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