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My mom is so nice to me.  Though it's Tuesday and I haven't talked to her since Wednesday's Thanksgiving (we had it a day early).  She's broke and doesn't need anything from me, so she doesn't call.  I am going to give her a call in order squash my growing anxiety, wondering if she's angry with me (though, why should I even care?)

But, back to what I was saying.  She's been so very nice to me, especially on holidays.  When she has no leverage against me, she's always nice.  Uber nice.  It's not as far as the "clapping as I walked into the room" crap (as you can go back and read about in previous posts), but it's close.

So, we're sitting there, having Thanksgiving, everyone's being so nice.  Almost like a real family.  And rather than sucking it up, like I used to..."Mommy really DOES love me!", I am actually pissed deep down inside.  Well, it's not that deep.  Surfacely, I am nice back, happy even.  But just right below that surface layer, is my seething anger.  Not ready to bubble to the surface or anything.  Just....like a calm pool of anger and resentment.  Knowing the truth makes for a poor holiday. Knowing what she's capable of.  Knowing that if she didn't need me, she'd be being a horrible bitch to me instead (which is her normal holiday behavior). 

*sigh*  I am just so tired of this fake ass charade we all have to pretend.  Oh well.  I will get by.  I will deal with it.  I will put up with it.  Because that's my only choice right now.

Though I am going to put her in her place about calling my kids' father "the sperm donor" to their faces.  What a bitch.  Right at the Thanksgiving table, too.  Calling my kids traitors because they were spending real Thanksgiving with him.  Jokingly, but not okay.  And that's not going to happen anymore.  Period. 

So, at least that gives me pleasure knowing I can get smart assy with her about something, at least LOL  *sigh*  So sad, right?  When you live to find things justifiable to be mad about with your mother? haha  Yeah, well, it makes me feel better.  ;)  I'll let you know what happens.
So, my mom is getting more and more and more racist these days.  Her dementia is getting worse almost every day, as is the racist crap that falls out of her mouth.  I HATE taking her out in public anymore, and recently she's been having me shop for her instead (which is soooo much better). 

But, Thanksgiving comes (we had ours yesterday instead of today) and I am left alone with her.  So she says this:

Mother:  Do you think black people think Black Friday is all about them? 

Me: Oh goodness, wow.  Yeah, no, ma.  The term "black" in Black Friday means it's the biggest shopping day of the year and.....

Mother: (interrupting) No it's not.

Me: Yes it is. 

Mother: No it's not.  There are other days that are bigger.

Me:  No, it literally means their fiances are "in the black"...

Mother: (interrupting) No. Did you know that *blah blah blah blah something other than what we're talking about* (she didn't say that, she literally talked about something else)

Me: You interrupted me.  "In the black" means......

Mother: *blah blah blah blah off topic rambling about something I wasn't listening to*

Me: (mumbling under breath)  ....wow, guess I can't finish a sentence when mom wants to be racist....


I laughed about it later, but I have no idea why she was interrupting me like that, as she hasn't done that so blatantly in a really long time, but hey, she was trying to make a point, dammit! LOL  "I want to be racist and you can't stop me!" 

*sigh*  Fun. 

I hope your Thanksgiving was narcissist free! 

 


I want to tell you right now, right off the bat, that the bad thoughts you have about your mother are completely normal.  And they are okay.

We all have them. 

Sometimes, we can imagine what it's like to live without her in our lives anymore.  Sometimes we can imagine what it will be like after they are dead.  Other times we might wish them dead.  And some of us?  While it sounds scary or gross, some of us may even imagine killing our mothers (I don't, but I can imagine how some people would). 

Sounds scary, but according to psychology, that doesn't make us sick or murderers or even homicidal.  As long as we do not go through the act, or physically plan it out, we're good.  And the part that may shock you, is that it's actually kind of normal. 

Fantasizing or daydreaming about something evil happening to someone else doesn't make us insane or bad people. 

I used to imagine running my ex-boyfriend over with a car right after we broke up.  I thought to myself "If I see him on the street, I will run my car off the road and just run him over."  His deception made me feel crazy with anger.  Granted, had I really saw him on the road, I can tell you right now that I would not had run him over.  I would have though about it for a moment, but actually going through with it?  I just don't have the stomach for murder.  Yuck.  (He eventually found me on Facebook and really apologized, so I am glad he never got ran over haha!)

I have bad thoughts about my mom (not murdery thoughts, tho, just to be clear).  It's sad, but every ambulance that runs past our house, I secretly wonder if it's for her.  I also daydream about her funeral.  And when someone tells me a way to help my mom's dementia get better?  I think to myself "As if I want her to get better....".  Granted, other people's thoughts about their mother may be 100x worse than mine, or may have never had a bad thought about them at all. 

But no matter what you think or feel about your mother, good or bad, you're normal.  So don't feel like you're a freak or a jerk for thinking bad things about her.  It happens to most of us.





Sidenote: Although if you feel that you may act on your bad thoughts, please consult your doctor or a therapist right away.


There's a song by Suzanne Vega called "Toms' Diner" with a verse that goes:

When I'm feeling
Someone watching me
And so
I raise my head
There's a woman
On the outside
Looking inside
Does she see me?
No she does not
Really see me
Cause she sees
Her own reflection

This sums up narcissism in a nutshell.  When they look at us, they are really only seeing their own reflection.  Remember that the next time they treat you badly.  They don't really see you.   All they see is themselves.  Just like the original tale of Narcissus.
There is a little person inside of you who never got what he or she needed when they exists in the world.  They never got validation for their feelings.  They never got love.  They were never heard or nurtured.  Some were never hugged.  Some were abandoned.  Some were beat.  Some were humiliated.  And none possessed the tools to understand why these things happened, as they were too little to understand.  

So, what I'd like you to do, is go grab some baby or toddler or little kid pictures of you.  Put them in a pile and look at them one by one (or spread them all out on a table or floor and look them over).  There will be one, or more than one, that call out to you.  You may see the pain in their eyes.  Or remember that age well due to trauma or just the bad behavior our parents.  Then take that picture (or those pictures), make a copy of them on your printer (or use your phone to snap a pic of the pic, and then send it to your printer), and print them out on paper.  

Then take that print....and either adhere it to a journal page or a piece of paper.  Then I want you to write a letter to that little person that was once you, and tell them how sorry you are for all that happened.  It's not your fault, and it wasn't theirs.  Validate them.  Write to them about how lovable they are.  Tell them all the good stuff they never heard.  Imagine them in your arms, giving them all the hugs they'd ever want.  And keep writing until there is nothing left to say.  Or write a series of letters.  It can be a paragraph.  A page.  Or a booklet.  Or even an entire book.  

Dear Little (your name here),

That's how it should start.  And write it all out.  Tell your little self everything they need and want to hear.  Then tell them how it's better now.  Or how it will get even betterer.  Tell them about anything and everything your heart tells you say.  Forgive them for not understanding how to deal with the issues a little child should not have to deal with.  

Do this on a regular basis, as much as you can.  Keep a "Dear Little Me" Journal if you want.  Fill all those holes yourself that your mother and father left in you.  Because you are the parent now.  You can choose how to parent your inner child.  And how to show that child all the love and nurturing you missed out on.  


If you try this exercise, let me know below.  I'd love to hear how it worked for you.  







The problem I see with many newcomers to NPD is that they don't understand this one simple fact.  And not accepting it?  Well, that will give you crazy ideas, such as "false hope", and "I know if I can just reach her, I can convince her" syndrome.  You know, that idea that if you just write the right letter to her, or say the right words, she will come around and understand what's done wrong and apologize.  I am going to happily burst your bubble right now:

That will never, never happen.  

And I say happily, because most people say "sorry to burst your bubble", but I am not sorry.  Not one bit.  Why?  Because the title of this blog post is the ONE thing you need to realize so you can heal and move on.  THE.  ONE.  THING.  If you only understand one thing about this disease, let it be this.  Because without this understanding, you will be stuck.  Forever.

Because she just doesn't love you.  Why?  Because she is incapable of love, period.  It's not YOU she doesn't love, it's anyone, including herself.

"But my mom is different!" you scream.  No.  She isn't.  Yes, your mom may have done some amazing, and spectacular things for you in the past.  But know, it was not done out of an act of love.  It was done out of an act of self-perseverance.   Meaning: Yo mama only acts like she loves when you when it makes her look good.   It can be to you, or to a whole group of people, or your dad.  Or in front of whomever.  She does nice things to brag about them later.  She does nice things in order to say she's a good mom when you say she isn't.  She'll remind you.  "Remember when I did that for you??  You weren't call me a bad mom then!"  She stores these acts up in a bank, so she can refer to them either to herself so she can convince herself she's a good mom, or so she can refer to them to others so she can convince them she's a good mom.

"But, I know my mom loves me."  Take a deep breath in.  Now let it out slowly.  And repeat after me:
Not all moms love their kids.  And our moms do not love us.  

 You might feel it in your heart and bones that she loves you.  You can yell it.  You can scream it.  You can cry it.  But this one truth is such a very hard truth to admit.  We tend to associate our need for parental love as a need for approval, and we internalize that lack of parental love as "we aren't good enough to love".  But that's simply not true.  You ARE good enough to love.  More than good enough.  You deserve love.  You deserve happiness.  But just know, your mother is not the one who's going to give it to you.

"Who will?" you ask.

"You will," I reply.

You will love yourself.  You will give yourself all that love you never got from her (and will never get).  You will be your own mother.  And you will take the place of her.  You don't a person who calls herself your mother to be your actual mother.  You can heal the damage she's caused inside of you.  You can heal all that pain, all that anger, all that BS by learning to be your own mother.  Because YOU know so much better how to be a better mother than she is.  You might not even realize that you know it, but you do.  You know what you need.

And how do you do this?  Well, first I am going to throw some blog pages at you.  Go explore them.  Google "inner mother" and the such.  Then com back, and I will write some blogs of my own that can add to what you've already learned.  I will include some exercises on how to heal that inner child of yours.  I will be using some I did myself, as some I've learned from other books.  And from there, we can move on to becoming whole.

I know my blog is my outlet for my own issues with my mother, but now I'd like to head in a new direction towards healing.  Yes, I still will rant about mother LOL  That will never end.  But who wants to read only about that?  You have your own mother to deal with without having to hear about mine all the time.  So, let's move forward.  Together.

Follow my blog for updates about new posts, or check back regularly or follow me on Facebook here.


So, by accepting that our mothers are incapable of love, we can move forward, let go of the NEED to be good in her eyes.  It's like, if we know our goldfish can't walk, would we put a leash on it and take it to the park?  (nevermind the whole "my fish can't breathe without water thing...")  No, we accept it as truth, and keep that fish in his tank with his water, and let him be a fish.  That frees up our lives so we can concentrate on other things.

So when we accept our mothers are incapable of love, we stop trying to force them to love us.  We can put her in her space, and let her be a narcissist.  And that frees us from trying to make her do or be something she isn't.  And THAT, give us the space to heal.   And that, my friends, is why this is the one universal truth that we need to accept about NPD.



LINKS:

ReParent Your Inner Child

Inner Child Work

Healing Your Mother Wound

 Learn How to Love Yourself

 Getting to Know Your Core Wound

Healing the Child Within

 6 Steps to Help Heal Your Inner Child




Those of us who have been abused all have trigger words.

I have a few.  Some aren't words that are said regularly, but when I think of them they give me a stomachache or make me feel gross inside.  Or angry.

The first one is:

HEY

Simple word, right?  Not when mother says it.  "HEY!" means "I am scolding you, you better stop what you're saying before I get really pissed!"  I am thirty-fucking-nine years old.  Nobody gets to talk to me like a child.  But this term?  It sends me into an automatic internal rage.  It's a word that when mother doesn't want to hear your shit anymore, she yells this at you.  It's a verbal spanking.  It's like saying "Hey!  Knock it off!" with a finger in their face.  Like your kid is acting like a brat in public and you need them to stop.  But with mother, you could just be talking about something she doesn't want to deal with, or someone she doesn't want you bad mouthing (usually BM.....if you don't know who she is, scroll back through the posts, you'll see who I am talking about).  If I start saying BM did something wrong or that she embarrassed me, she will get all huffy and yell this word at me.  BUT if she's on a BM downslope (meaning BM is on her shitlist), she's more than fine with anyone saying anything.  She also uses this if you swear in front  of her.  I swear.  A LOT.  Not nasty swearing, just descriptive words used to convey my feelings and the such, and she will think she can make me stop by saying this word.  YET mother swears.  This is just like everything else: non-consistent.  One day she's sweary, the next she's freaking out over her creepy ass neighbor, who's a pastor, thinking if we swear, he'll send us all to hell.

I am trying to get over my gut reaction when she says this word.  I feel like I've been punched in the gut.  I need to come up with a new comeback, so when she says it, I can just laugh instead.  And eventually she'll just stop.  I think I'll say it back to her and laugh.  Like a hyena.  I'll just repeat it until it holds no anger or rage for me anymore.  I'll just wear it out like how little kids do.  They hear something and they repeat it until it doesn't hold their interest.  I want to repeat it until it doesn't hold HER interest anymore to say it.



MY NAME

The sound of my name makes me uncomfortable.  I have wanted to change it for years.  But every time I try out a new name, I get sick of it and go back to just being my original name.  I don't go around and make people call me a new name, or anything, but maybe that's why they're not sticking?  I just try it out online...like on a blog.  I will change my name on the blog and use that name for a few months.  But they are like sticks of Juicy Fruit gum: tasty at first, but quickly lose their appeal after a few minutes of chewing.  Though the name I picked for my memoir (based on stuff that's written here) has stuck for years.  But it's completely silly LOL  I think I get annoyed because:

-My first and middle name was given to me by birth mom.  I also carried her last name.
-When I was in foster homes, I would have their last names.
-When I was adopted, my mom liked my name so much she kept it, but then I had a new last name.
-When I got married, I had to change my last name again.
-Then I got remarried, and I had to change my last name, YET AGAIN.

I like(d) my two married names---the first one because my children had that last name, and my new hubby's last name, because we all have the same last name now, and my husband is the first man who truly cares about me.

But my first and middle name? I don't know.  I hate hearing my mom say it.  Though, maybe I will wait until after she's gone to assess it again.  Maybe I will feel better about it?


THE SOUND OF HER CLEARING HER THROAT

This isn't a word.  It's a sound.  But the sound of it sends panic through me like nothing else.  And she's always doing this as of lately, as she has untreated allergies.  But as a kid, this meant she's caught you doing something she disapproves of.  It didn't matter what you were doing, she just wants to LET YOU KNOW that she is not okay with it.  As a kid, I hated that sound.  So very, very much.  She does this to my kids now, too.  I need to catch her the next time and tell her to stop.  But then she'll probably scream "HEY!" at them instead.  *sigh* 


I know I have more, and I will add them as I think of them.  But for now, those are my triggers with her.


Do you have any trigger words?  Any words that make you feel uncomfortable or sad?  Share your stories below. 


 

 

She calls me on Saturday while I am at Walmart and says "I don't even know if I want to hear it."  Not one ounce of concern in her voice or asking, "Is everyone okay?  What happened?"  Nope, she was just angry and was thinking about how much her insurance rates would go up.

Earlier in the day, I backed up into my alley to leave to go to Walmart and backed into my neighbor's car who was turning in from the street.  I gave him our insurance (in her name) and he called and made a claim immediately (I thought he was going to get it checked out first).  I didn't call her right away, because why?  It wasn't a big deal, but even if it was, I would never call her asap.  Because of the above scenario: she could care less if anyone got hurt.  She had no idea how bad the accident was or if anyone was hurt, the insurance only called to make sure we had permission to be using her car.  That's it.  Her car only has scratches on it, very tiny ones at that.  Another reason if it had been bad that I still would not call her because I don't want her knowing my business.  Yes, it's her car, but if someone was hurt?  She would not be the first person I'd call.  Because she's a total bitch and doesn't deserve the time of day from me or my family.

I HAVE to deal with her when I have to, but that's it.  I will not bother with her more than I HAVE to because she doesn't deserve me giving her more than a fart in the wind.  And even that is too much.

I know, I sound bitter, but today I was going through my "Will I Ever Be Good Enough" workbook and rereading everything I wrote down.  I should really finish that book.  It may help me work out my anger towards her.  When, on Saturday, she didn't even ask if we were okay, that really sealed the deal for the present.  I've already been really angry with her, to the point of feeling numb, but then she did that.  It just cements in my head all over again just how much she doesn't give a shit about anyone but herself.  It's quite disgusting.  And makes me angry all over again.

Then on Saturday she wanted me to come over and put away her yard table and chairs and take out her air conditioning.  I told her I would, but never said when.  I came on Monday and she was annoyed, "I was waiting all Sunday!"  "I never said I was coming on Sunday."  "I thought I made it clear on Saturday I wanted you to come Sunday."  I, then, changed the subject on her.  We had already put her table and chairs away before she even knew we were there, thank god, otherwise she'd come out to boss us around.  Then she bitched I hadn't brought the car down so she could see the scratches.  I said a) there's nothing to see and b) our other car has a flat tire so my husband had to take her car to work.  Then five minutes later she was bitching I didn't bring the car down.  "Ma, I JUST told you, ours has a flat tire."  "Then WHO has MY car then??"  *sigh*  Her dementia is literally getting THAT bad, ladies and gents.  Not to mention her telling me the same stories over and over and over again for the past few weeks.  Each time, she changes something....making herself sound better and better.

Of course, right?  I mean, even her dementia is laced with her narcissism.


I am supposed to be caring for my ailing mother, mourning the loss of her memory and being sad because I know what's coming next.  But, instead, I am stuck with this woman, who I can't wait till she goes in a home.  You know in some countries, you HAVE to take care of your parents when they age?  It's the law.  HAHAHAHAHAHA fuck that.  So glad we live in the good 'ol USA where you can dump your asshole narcissistic parent in a home where THEY do all the work and you can visit when you want (if you want).

She once told me I wasn't allowed to dis-invite people from her funeral, because it's not about me, it's about them.  Funny, she thinks people will actually show up.  The way she's pissed off so many people with her awful mouth, I will be surprised if anyone comes other than me and my hubby and kids.

And yes, I will dis-invite whomever I please, thank you very much.  Actually, I will make the service private, and people will have to call to attend, that way no surprises happen and crazy people don't show up.

It helps the anxiety go away when thinking about when she dies if I plan what I am going to do for her funeral ahead of time, that way I am prepared for when the time comes.  Because thinking about my extended family coming or her old step-kids or her dead husband's friends showing up?  Makes me sick with anxiety.  Ick.  Better to plan it out now, so we know exactly what's going to happen when the time eventually comes.  But by then, none of my family or those other people will even remember she exists.

Yeah, so that was my weekend.  Mother caring more about her car insurance going up than if were okay.  Nice, eh?  Irritating, but not surprising.  As usual.





They tend to want to stir shit up.  That's the only explanation I can give for what I found today.  I have access to her email, only because a) I have to check her medical results and she gets them there, b) I have to keep an eye on what she tells other people (she hardly ever writes emails, but when she does, I need to know what she's saying...sounds stalkery, but she tends to write to people and lie to them about her health or about me, so when they come calling, I am not surprised by it), and c) I need to keep on top of her spending, she tends to run off and buy crazy shit when she's manic and the receipts always come to her email as she can only shop online.

So, to start with, I've been keeping abreast of a different situation that I brought up to her recently: this past summer, my family were going to go spread my uncle's ashes in a lake (fucking gross!) and they invited my mother (not me).  My mom kept telling them she can't go because I won't go, and I said "Have them take you!"  She said no and would proceed to guilt trip me one second about her not being able to be there and the next second tells me "those people can go to hell because they ruined his funeral!" (which they did).  So, I told her to ask her sister if she ever came down to do this, as it's only an hour away from our house.  A FIVE HOUR drive, only to not come the rest of the way to see her sister, who has dementia and probably won't remember her by the time she ever comes down (which is what she did with her brother, so I can see she doesn't actually give two shits about my mother--oh well).  So, I saw she wrote to her sister, and my aunt wrote back and said yes, indeed, she did come down.  My mom hasn't told me about it yet, and it's been a week, so either a) she's pissed at her and doesn't want to talk about it or b) she doesn't want me to make a big stink about it (which I did, at the time, but now I won't because I don't give a flying rat's ass).  Oh well, but at least I know if she came down or not.  And that proves I was right about my aunt all along: she's a selfish bitch.  BUT then again, they all are, so why I am surprised?  Really, I'm not.

So, today I open her email, to see if my mother wrote back to her (Perhaps something nasty?  Or something sucking up to her?  You never know with mother or what her moods will bring).  And instead, I see this message written to her dead husband's old BFF.

"I hope I got the right (insert name here).  I have got my head on a LITTLE straighter....if you want to call or email me, I promise to respond.  I think of you all often, my number is (insert number here)".  
Um, so yeah.  She hasn't talked to this guy in FIVE years.  The last time she said that about "getting her head on straighter" she was writing a letter on paper to her dead husband's daughter, bashing me and telling her "when she stopped messing with you, she came after me".  Meaning, that I was somehow fucking with people.  Um, no, his daughter was married to an abusive prick and I called my step-sister out on it.  That's it.  That's what REAL friends do for one another, you don't sit there and let them be abused.  And the whole "she came after me" was the whole falling out that started this blog, which BTW, was started by MY MOTHER (and she has no idea it even exists).  Granted, I started it by blogging about MY abuse in my home growing up under a fake name, but, is that really starting anything?  To a narcissist it is.

So here a few things you need to know about this situation: a) the person she's writing to HATES her (yet she doesn't know it) because he heard first hand from Goose, her dead husband.  Goose's daughters told their mother about the mental and verbal abuse they suffered in my mother's home from her.  And b) the "you all" in her letter are a group of NA friends that Goose had, that all AGAIN, hate my mother.

So, my first instinct is that my mother's trying to stir the pot for NO reason.  Yes, she's back in her crabby stage, but we aren't fighting or getting mad or anything right now.  But, then again, we weren't fighting when she tried to writing that note to my ex-stepsister (I call her "ex", because her father is dead, and we aren't fucking related by marriage anymore).  I still have it, that letter, which sounds dumb, but sometimes I need to reminded of her wicked behavior.  So now, we have this letter she wrote today.  I HOPE he writes back and does NOT call her (turns out, he didn't do either).  I really want to know what she's going to say to him...I want to see if she portrays herself as a victim of some made up situation.  Though I am sure it would be all about what went down between Goose's old friends, Goose's ex-girlfriend and their children.  I am not sure if I ever posted the whole story here about this, but I will give you a rundown:

  1. I became friends with Trix through a support group for stay at home mothers.  Her boyfriend Goose (father of her two children) was a grumpy asshole.
  2. My great-aunt died and her house was up for sale.  So Trix and Goose bought the house.  It was right next door to my meemaw's and peepaw's old house, and my mother lived there when Goose moved in.
  3. Goose had surgery on his arm, and Trix left him while he was recuperating in the hospital.  Goose came home and tried to commit suicide.
  4. Goose's friend found him, and took him to the ER.  He got on the right meds, got out and was the happiest man alive.  Long gone was the grumpy asshole I always knew him to be (and I knew him for many years). 
  5. So with Trix gone, and Goose on the right meds, he decided he was in love with my mother.  They started dating.  Goose's kids were my kids' ages. 
  6. As it turns out, Trix left him because she was back on drugs and had become a Craigslist hooker.  She lived in her own apartment and Goose had the kids on certain days.
  7. Goose then moved into my mom's apartment and sold my Aunt Lutefisk's old house.
  8. With him having partial custody, the kids would now be visiting my mother's house.  The more the kids came over, the more grumpy my mom got.  She didn't like sharing Goose with anyone.  And I mean ANYONE.  She was not even spending time with me or my kids anymore, and she bitched every single time we came over.  
  9. Goose became more and more distant with my mothers horrible behavior, eventually reverting back to the grumpy asshole he was when he was with Trix.  Then he found out that he had cancer.
  10. Then Trix abandoned her children with a friend, and Goose found out and went to the court.  Trix lost custody of their kids due to being a drug addict.  Mother and Goose got custody.
  11. Goose's cancer got worse, so they kids stayed with me most days while Goose spent more time at an out of town hospital. 
  12. Mother became very verbally abusive to the girls, and would force them to sit in a corner for hours on end.  The oldest girl caught her verbal abuse on video, by turning on a webcam without her knowing.  Though I didn't find this until much later, after the girls went back to live with their mom.  
  13. Goose died and Trix got them back, even though she tested positive for opiates.  And I am not talking prescription drugs here.
  14. The girls hate my mother and have nothing to do with me at all.  Like, me, my husband, and our kids were just erased from their lives for no reason.  The kids had attachment issues: whomever gave them what they wanted, won.  So, before they left, the oldest girl wrote death threats on her bedroom wall dedicated to my mother (written in yellow highligher on a yellow wall, that I could only see when I held a blacklight up to it--something that happened by accident).
  15. When my mother lost custody, she purposefully didn't tell Trix about some of the money she was getting from the VA for them (something I had no idea what she was talking about until the VA came after her for it).  So, she's been getting that money for SIX YEARS and now she's been caught.  
  16. I hope my mom goes to prison for it, because she did it on purpose just to be a bitch to their mother.  She never did, but she did lose more money because she has to pay the government back.


Wow, I got the story out in less than 20 steps! Whoo hoo!  Very complicated situation.  One thing being that she LOVES to tell the story of how "her and the girls got along so well and she misses them so much" (when in reality she HATES them and they HATE her) and she is such a victim because Trix won't let her see them.  Waaaahhhh!  Pffft.  Such bullshit.

I will add a couple more things: my ex-stepsister is a total asshole and hates my mother now.  How she showed she hated her was pretty fucking low, but if it was me who had done it?  I would have been proud of myself for what happened, so I kind of can't blame her.  But then again, I would had never had done something like that.  I think Sara (ex-stepsister) is a LOT like me in a way: she's me before I figured out my mom was a narc.  I was so far stuck up my mother's ass I did anything she said.  So, that situation?  Was her mother telling her to do what she did.  So in a way, I don't blame her.  Goose was always either married to narcs or dating them.  His codependency (even with drugs) knew no bounds.  And I feel we kind of deserved it, as my mother had me take down Goose's memorialized Facebook page after he died.  It hurt Sara a lot, and I knew I should not have listened to my mother, though at the time, I was angry and it felt justified.  My  mother sure knew how to pull my strings and I always let her.  So if I could tell Sara I was sorry, I would.  I would never have taken his page down and I would have never listened to a damn thing my mother ever told me to do.  I am not sure if I posted about this entire situation with Sara or not, but I do know I wrote about it in one of my memoirs!  


So this guy she emailed was their best man at the their wedding (I was the matron of honor, but had there been anyone else to choose, she most likely would have chosen them to be...I was just the only choice).  After Goose's death, this best man came by a few times, and eventually stopped.  I have no idea what happened to him since then, but Trix suggested something strange, but never elaborated.  I won't even speculate here, but I highly doubt he'll write or call her back, ever.  But, in the event he does, it's what she says back to him is what we want to know here.  What the entire point of stirring that pot again is for.  Because, it's very, very random that after 5 years she emails him out of the blue (I just remembered, he used to call her all the time and she never called him back...so that's why he stopped talking to her).

Though I have found out throughout the years, this is what she always does.  She just gets an idea to contact someone who doesn't talk to her anymore and will contact them out of the blue.  She's bored and always wants to dip back into old pots.  I mean, if there was drama once, she can certainly stir up more again, right?  Old blood is new blood and means more toys to play with it.  Because that's all people are to her: toys.   

I am scared of her writing something horrible to him.  Because I don't want another war between us again.  Not now.  I am so done with drama, but for a narc, they just can't live without it.  Though, even if she writes something awful, I may just choose to ignore it and go through other channels to correct her.  I don't know if I'll even do anything at all.  I just don't know.

*sigh*  We'll see how this plays out.
So, a half an hour after we get to the vet's office, my mom calls.  I let it go to voicemail because DUH, I am busy.  And she knew 100% where we were, so I couldn't not understand why she was calling.  So, I check my voicemail and found out that she needs to go TODAY to get a haircut.

*sigh*  Lately, she's been trying to take up as much of my time as possible.  Like all week.  My husband was on vacation and she kept calling me every single day to take her somewhere.  "We have plans MA, go away!"  So most days, I just ignored her calls.  She did it on purpose to be an asshole.  She KNEW he was on vacation.  She KNEW we had plans practically every single day.  She did have a doctor's appt. one of those days, so why not save up all her running errands for that day?  Nope.  She had to keep calling to "oh I need to run to pick up this or that".  So I'd up picking up her "items" she needed and dropping it off to her.  She punished me by not paying me for her items.

That's how mother works.  Do as she says, and she will do what's right.  Do it differently than she says, she will punish you.

A couple of those days, I'd send my son to go with her instead of me (he was being punished for something--so I said "Now you have to cart grandma around! HA!"--it's a joke punishment, but for me, it's like NOT being punished LOL).  And she acted like it was okay to him, but she did things to punish us---like she pays us every single month for the gas she uses when I have to take her places: in steaks and burgers from the grocery store--so since I didn't take her, my son came home steakless and burgerless.  "If your mom had come with, I'd know what to buy her!" she said to him....BUT she bought herself and her cats steaks.

So today, I took BM home, after TWO HOURS of having to spend time with her humiliating us, mother needed her haircut.  NOW.  So I called her back when we got home and said "Fine, I'll pick you up."  My son came with us, and she said "Oh, when I am done, I need to go to the store to get some shirts."  She literally just bought shirts two weeks ago.  Who needs that much clothes?  So she went in to get her hair cut, we went to go get gas, came back and I went inside with her where it was cool (It was like 87 today and we have no air-conditioning in the car).  I look out, my son motions me to come here, so I went out to see what he wanted.

He told me and I went back in.  "Mom, we can't go get you shirts, because he reminded me that he and his brother have plans to go to the park (there is a HUGE Pokemon Go place downtown).  He needs me to cut his hair, he's going to take a shower, and I have to wash their clothes before they go, as well.

She replies while her hairdresser is finishing up her hair,"Well, I have plans too.  So he'll have to wait."

I was like ???  "Well, you just came up with this idea to go get shirts when we pulled in, and they've had this plan all day.  I just forgot about it.  We'll go tomorrow."

"It will be too hot tomorrow."  Now she's just playing games.  What a dumb thing to say.

"Ma, it's 87 degrees out.  It's hot right now.  Tomorrow will be no different.  We'll go tomorrow."  Then I started making jokes to the hairdresser, because I know mother, she doesn't want to fuss in front of strangers.

Now, I have to find a way to be busy tomorrow so I don't have to take her anywhere LMAO  I already have to take her on Friday to a doctor's appointment, so yeah.  Her shirts can wait.

But yeah, as I wrote this, I realized, mother doesn't have to be grouchy to be back to her "asshole ways", I literally forgot about the mind games she plays (sad how a few months of her being a "good girl" and I forget about her crap).  She doesn't play those when she's in the manic-goldenchild state.  Fun fun fun.

OH, as I am writing this, my doctor's office called and I am on a waiting list to see them, and a spot opened up tomorrow!!  Whoo hoo!  Looks like mother's shirts will have to wait.

MUAHAHAHAHAHAH!  Saved by the bell (or the telephone ring...).


But now that we're back into "manipulation mode", this will be just the beginning.  She'll get angrier when I am not doing what she wants, she'll get pissier when she can't have her way RIGHT AT THIS MOMENT!  She'll threaten, berate, and punish, more and more and more.  Yay.  So much to look forward to!   Oh well, I am stronger, wiser, and I can handle it.  Soon, her license will be taken away, and so will her car.  Pretty soon, she'll have NO way to control us anymore, and she'll be left with "I better be good or else!"  Because the "or else" will be "find someone else to take care of you."  Granted, that will only come if she's SUPER evil, but I know my mom, and she's more than capable of great evil.  MUCH more than capable. 

BUT FIRST, AN UPDATE: So, I am not 100% sure if I said this already, and I am too lazy to check LOL  But my mom has reverted back.  In the past 2-3 weeks, she's back to her bitchy self.  All that "OMG you're the best daughter ever" golden-child bullshit is eroded.  That's okay, I expected it.  It's AMAZING to me how she can literally IN ONE DAY go from manic-goldenchild-happy narc mother to angry-scapegoat-asshole.  BUT I will say, the change isn't 100% from night to day (or day to night?), it's kind of lingering between the two.  I think she's slightly even reverted back to the semi-golden-child mood because she's scared of her health.  She's quickly deteriorating and I think it's scaring the pants off of her.

See, after her surgery (she had a pacemaker put in) she felt so much better and thought she was invincible and all that fear wore off, she she thought she stopped needing me, and turned into asshole-mom.  NOW, just a month later after her surgery, she's having issues that aren't going away and new issues, and she's scared again.


This brings us to today: she recently hired me out without my permission to take BM to the vet (apparently she needs her rabies shots).  Okay, okay, it's BM's dog and cat.  But still.  And of course I said yes, because a) what can I say??  and b) it's for animals.  And I will do anything for someone's pets.  They can't help their owner is a weenie.

So, this bring us to the vet's office.  Good.  Fucking.  God.  What the hell did I sign on to do?  I will have to say, I was being a little bossy AF today, because BM is a white trash and has NO IDEA how to handle herself in public.  You just don't let your damn dog run full length on a leash to go and bum rush people who don't know your dog.  I had to eventually say "Hey, why don't you relax and let me take her, you have a bad back."  And I parked that dog's ass in between my legs and rubbed her chest so she'd stay put.....which is how you handle a hyper ass dog who wants to sniff everyone's child and cat.

Let me say something: if you have a dog, and you go to the vet, DO NOT let it run up to random cat cages and stick their faces in there.  That's rude as hell, because any cat is super stressed out at the vet and a random idiot dog doesn't make them feel better.  But apparently BM doesn't get this and some lady was freaking out because she wasn't pulling the dog back when the woman was telling her to.  I had to grab the leash instead.  *sigh*

I love dogs, but I also know how to handle my dogs.  And unless someone asks to pet my dog, I do not let them go over and bother strangers.

So, BM's dog, is very, VERY friendly, she loves other dogs.  So I asked person who had this mama pit bull "Does your dog like other dogs?"  He said "Oh yes, she's a lover," so I let BM's sniff this dog's muzzle, and vice versa....and BM SCREAMS "NO!! NO NO NO NO NO!"  Everyone was staring.  He said "You don't have to worry about my dog because she's a pitbull."  I looked at BM and said "Yeah, nobody is growling here, settle down."  BM replies "Oh I've heard BAAAAAAD things about pits and I don't want my dog near them!" 

I was so embarrassed.  I looked at the guy and said "Oh my god, I am so sorry."  He just waved us off.  I felt so horrible.  I said to BM "German Shepards actually can be a very aggressive breed as a whole, but I never care if one gets near my dog unless someone is growling.  Each dog is different.  Shar Peis I hear are assholes, too, but look at your dog, she's one of the friendliest dogs I know."

BM replies "Yeah, but the pits behind me want to tear through the fence to kill my dog, so I don't like them."

I said "Yeah, but those are those dogs.  That dog over there is sweet.  Breed doesn't make a dog an asshole."  She just lost her train of thought then and then started talking to someone else.

And when I say talking, I mean practically YELLING, and saying the most ignorant things you can imagine.

Thing such as "MY DOG IS PART SHAR PEI.  YOU KNOW, THAT CHINESE DOG.  YOU CAN TELL SHE'S PART CHINESE BECAUSE SHE HAS SLANTED EYES." 

THIS is who my mother is BFF's with.  THIS right here.  Once she told my son's best friend "Oh, you're from Korea?  Yeah, I thought you were some kind of Asian." Then proceeded to pull her eyes up in a slant and make "Asian" sounds at him.

*sigh*

And she LITERALLY pissed off my all time favorite vet at the vet's office, also.  He repeated to her 50 times, "WE DO NOT SHAVE CATS HERE!"  She kept saying "Can't you just shave her?"  Good fucking god, I wanted to scream!  When she left for a "smoke", I said to the vet "I am so sorry you're so frustrated with her, she doesn't listen to anyone."  He laughed and apologized for being frustrated.

I can't tell my mom what an ignorant twat she was being, or how she humiliated us, or how I wanted to just drive away with her pets and leave her there because my mom's head is so far up her ass right now.  And I mean up BM's ass.  BM used to be the one who bummed cigarettes off my mom, beg or money, ask for food constantly, need rides every single day....but now, she has her mom living with her, and my mom stopped smoking and never gives her any money AND she can't drive.  So, BM practically ignores my mom.  She has no use for her.  And my mom is acting like a lost puppy dog without her to bitch about.

So if I bash BM to her, and say I'll never take her anywhere ever again?  My mom will have a fit and it cause her to badmouth me to everyone (I've had enough of that).  So, I have to keep my mouth shut and just find ways to say "no" in a roundabout way if she does this to me again.  Because I will NOT be driving BM around town for ANYTHING.  I only agreed because this was for her pets.  And like it said, it's not their fault their mother is whackadoodle. 

So, I will continue this blog in the next one, because after I was done with BM, then my mom started to pull some shit.  Not seriously bad stuff, just being annoying.  Like usual.




Here is an exact post from a group I was in called "Therapy for Peace of Mind" which consisted of me and couple other people where we'd go to let off steam to bitch about stuff.  I was so, so, SO very angry about this when it happened, so pardon all the swear words:

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*sigh* So tomorrow I am supposed to go to (a city 2 hours away from us) to visit family. BUT I have 4 dogs and no sitter. I asked my mom today and this is what she did:

Her: Oh all FOUR of them? I dunno. That's a lot of work. I don't know if I can. Hmmmm yeah. Think about the gas. It will probably take you one tank to get there and one tank back, that's a lot of gas!  
(3 medium dogs and a chihuahua, mind you ONE OF THE BIGGER DOGS IS HERS!)

Me: It takes 2 tanks of gas to get to GEORGIA, MOM. Not Madison.
 (it takes 2 hours to get there)

Her: Well, yeah, but still. And if you come back late, it will be too late for me to handle the dogs.

(this is the SAME FUCKING EXCUSE she would use when we had our anxiety group meetings and I'd ask her to watch the kids when they were younger--"That's too late for me"--meaning EIGHT PM!!)

Me: We'll leave at 6 and be home by 8 or so.

Her: Well, yeah, maybe we can leave all the dogs there and I can come up there. I can take Homer though, he's easy.

 (I WILL NOT LET THIS CRAZY BITCH IN MY HOUSE ALONE!!)

Me: Yeah, maybe.

(NOT!)

Her: And think about it, why go all the way there?? Why not them come up here?

Me: There's nothing to do here, mom.  And they're having a get together, why would they come here?

Her: And you think there's more to do in Madison??!!!

(IS she fucking kidding me???? It's a college town. What in the holy fuck is wrong with her?)

Me: And having ALL those people in my house? Why would I want that? With four dogs? And I haven't prepared my house at all??

Her: Well, it IS Nate's only day off. You have to think about that. I mean, do you really want to spend all of his day off doing THAT?

Me: *sigh* Yes. Because it's FUN.

(I yelled the fun part. I was PISSED. How dare she think that my birthfamily isn't worth my husband's day off?? She's not even jealous about me seeing them, she's just being a bitch. This is how she acts over everything we want to do.)

Her: Oh good. I was just checking to make sure you'd be okay with that.

(WHY THE FUCK DOES SHE NEED TO CHECK ANYTHING?? ALL I ASKED HER TO DO WAS WATCH MY FUCKING DOGS!! NOT ASK HER GODDAMNED OPINION ABOUT MY FUCKING TRIP!)

Me: Okay then, I gotta go. Bye.

She said bye, but I hung up before she finished.

What. The. Holy. Fuck. She always does this, but I NEVER EVER EVER ask her to do anything for me EVER so she caught me off guard. For NEVER having to do shit for me, she sure is acting like I am putting her out!  AND she has my dogs at her house regularly, so why all of a sudden now is it an issue???  They don't even do anything, they are old and lazy!!

*sigh* What the fuck ever. So then she called me back immediately (I was on the phone with Nate) FIVE TIMES to apologize (cause this is what she does----she'll try really hard to pisssssss me off and then call me back and say "Oh I never meant I wouldn't do it for you, you know that!" trying to make me feel like I was overreacting. She must need some narcissistic supply and thought I was a good target. Fuck her. I got the kids up and we left the house immediately so she couldn't walk up to my house and talk to me. Fuck her, I am not talking to her till Monday. We aren't going tomorrow but I am going to tell her we did. Stupid idiot.

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And we did end up going and left the dogs home alone.  They were perfectly fine, had access to food and water.  AND there were NO accidents in the house!  LOL When my mom asked a week later when we're actually going to go, I said "We already did."  "Oh when?"  "That day we were going to go.  I just left the dogs at home".  "You know I would had watched them!"  "You said no.  So, I took that as no.  So next time, say yes when you mean yes." 


This was July 11, 2015 I posted it, so it was around that time we went down there.  Feels strange it was a whole year ago.  Anyways, she's the same person now, yeah.  Not much has changed LOL



Babysitting was always a huge deal for my mom.  She was always the victim and me asking her to watch my kids was, in her opinion, oppressive to her. 

When my kids were little, I was married to my ex.  I got three days off in the six years we were together.  I didn't go out with friends and do "adult" things, I did family stuff that included my kids and their kids.  Once, my inlaws babysat while I went out with my (narcissistic) cousins for the day on my 21st birthday.  We traveled out of town to a big mall (in which we ended up going to all the stores my cousins went to and they never asked me once where I wanted to go).  I was breastfeeding at the time, so it was a nightmare.

The second time I went out with my friends to a bar for my friend's 22nd birthday.  My ex stayed home with the kids and I got a call every ten minutes telling me the baby was crying and he needed me to come home.  My son was nine months old, not a teeny weeny baby.  I didn't drink that night because I was a) driving and b) still breastfeeding, so I was stuck watching my friends drink and listening to my phone constantly ring.  So much fun!

The last time time was having a GNO (girls night out) with a local mommy support group that I ran.  My ex took the boys overnight to his parents house while I had a bunch of girls over to play a girly board game. That night was actually fun.

But as you can see, none of them included my mom.  Once, she was supposed to take my oldest when he was around four months old.  We were going ice skating with my sister in law and our friend and what can you do with a little baby while ice skating?  But at the last minute, she called and said "Listen.  *dad yelling in background*  I can't take the baby.  Your dad has ruined it."  So we didn't let that stop us and took him anyways, and just all took turns watching him while the others skated.  I guarantee you, though, that my mom encouraged my father to drink so that she didn't have to take him.

Then when my oldest son was 2, I worked at a grocery store for a bit.  My mom said "Oh go ahead and take the job and I'll watch your son!"   That lasted for a few weeks, when my dad called me and said "Your mother can't do it anymore.  It's too much for her to handle."  Which it wasn't.  She didn't do shit with him, other than just literally watch him play by himself.  But I had to quit my job because she wouldn't watch him.  I don't get why she offered to watch him in the first place.

But that was probably the most she ever watched him.  And that was all of two weeks. 

But I am sure if you asked her, she'd tell you "Oh I babysat all the time!"  But me living with her and running to the store doesn't count.  That's not babysitting.  That's watching a kid for a few minutes while I got necessities to live our lives.  But for the most part, I always took my kids with me wherever I went, because she always bitched about having to watch them.

Then my (now) husband and I started going to an anxiety support group twice a month, and the kids were old enough to be left alone...no real babysitting involved.  But she only did it like twice, and never ever wanted to watch them so we could go.  That was the start of them being able to be home alone because she was trying to impede our mental health by denying us being able to go.

Funny.  She thinks that by saying no, we won't go to something, yet we do it anyways.  So her trying to control us?  Never works LOL

Take for example last year when I went to go see my birthfamily a couple hours away.  I needed her to watch our dogs (one was her dog that she gave us).  I have never ever said no to helping her out in any way whatsoever.  YET she said she could not do it because it was "too much" for her to do.  So we went anyways and let the dogs be in the air conditioned house alone.  And nobody peed on anything!  Yay!  But she was all like "Oh, I am sorry you guys couldn't go!" I said "Oh we went.  We just left the dogs home alone."  She replied "Oh my god, you know I would had actually done it if you really really wanted to go!"  (a copy of the actual conversation of her saying "no" you can find here).  I said back "If you meant yes, you would had said yes, instead you said no, so you meant no, ma.  I won't ask you to watch the dogs again, don't worry about it." And then I changed the subject.

She acts like she's such a great grandma, when she's just as bad as both my kids' other grandmas.  They are ALL narcissistic assholes, and my mom takes the fucking cake. 


Now my kids are old enough to babysit other kids, and soon, they can babysit my mother LOL  Not that they'd want to.

Funny how we got through life with only occasional babysitters, with only a few times being with her.  But she acts like she's been the reason we can do anything at all because she helped us so much with childcare LOL  *sigh*  She treats her grandkids no better than she treats my dogs. 

Which is pretty much the same as every other narc grandma out there. 




What about you?  How has your narc mother tried to control you with childcare or other things?  I know of many ones who do this regularly.  My advice:  NEVER depend on your narcissistic parents for help with babysitting.   NEVER.  Don't rely on them for much of anything at all, because they will always use it as a way to control your life and a way to fuck with you.  "Oh you NEED to be somewhere at a certain time?  Here, let me take forever getting ready/browsing/etc. so you're late" or "let me say yes to babysitting and then no at the last minute so I can ruin whatever you had planned".   Or whatever way they can control you.  I am just so tired of being her only child.  I wish someone else would step in and take over.  But there is nobody but me.  And I am not an asshole, so I have to take care of her. 

But some days.....I just look forward to one day being free of all of this.  And that means, when she goes to a home LOL
I am going to have to honestly say that my mom has bipolar disorder.  She's off her mania, and now onto the crabby, depressive state. 

Today she calls and says "You better be at home, because I need to go somewhere," on my answering machine.  LOL  Uhhhh yeah, I'll be calling you RIGHT back when you talk to me like that, ma.....I'll get right on it.

NOT.

Then I finally call her, and she told me I had something she needed and told me to call her back when I found it.  So I looked for hours because she told me it was in my purse, when it wasn't.  She wasn't even happy I found it, she was pissy.  Threatened to start driving again and tried to guilt me about not being able to drive herself.  I am sick of this shit.

Remember what I said?  I am pretty sure I blogged about it.  If she talks about driving one more time, I will have her license stripped.  And now she's done it.  So it's happening.  I am not going to play this game with her anymore. 

*sigh*  Now I have to take her places tomorrow and I am dreading it.  UGGGHHH.  Oh well.  Now I need to print out the papers to have her license taken away. 

AND I am going to make an appointment with a psych for her to get diagnosed as bipolar so she can get on the right meds.  Or maybe I can just move away and have nothing to do with her anymore??  Yay!! 

I wish.

Why can't she just be a sweet old lady?  *sigh*


(SIDENOTE:  Mother got a message from my father's sister (my aunt) asking about me, so we'll see what her response is....now that she's in her grouchy/depressive mood...I will update when I find out.)
So I have two teenage sons and she loves my youngest, but is constantly annoyed with my oldest.  No matter what he does, she's snapping at him, yelling at him, and just being all around mean to him.

Today we had to take her shopping.  It's a very hot day and we have no a/c in the car, so it's sticky, humid, and irritating.  So taking her today was not my idea of fun.

First off, she called me yesterday to take her shopping today.  I didn't answer the phone because I was busy, and I knew she wanted to ask me something, so I just put off calling her back.  She called back later in the afternoon, and she said "You never called me back." I said "Oh, you called? I didn't notice."  She said "Oh well, you never call me back, blah blah blah blah blah" in her sing-song voice, where she's pretending to be childish, but instead is really bitching.  I was so annoyed.  "Yes, what did you need?"  Then she asked me to go today, I said yes, and hurried her off the phone before she could ask to go early in the a.m. (she used to ALWAYS try to manipulate me to go as early as possible, but then she just stopped and accepted that we go places at eleven, period...now she's back to asking to go early again..arrgghh).

Everything was fine and dandy, but then she calls me at 8:30 am this morning.  I was awake, but I texted my husband "Oh hell no, she thinks we're going THIS early?"  It's not the fact she asks....that's not it.  I am fine with her asking to go early, what I am NOT fine with is when I say no (I always say no), she gets all pissy and bitchy and condescending and rude and I am not going to play that game with her.  I refuse to let her treat me like that.  She gets up at 5am, I get up at 8:30.  I am NOT leaving the damn house the moment I get up because
  • a) I am effing tired (I have RLS so I sometimes can be exhausted when I wake up),
  • b) I need to take my meds, 
  • c) I take my meds and have to wait an hour to eat, 
  • d) I need to eat breakfast because if I don't, she will drag me around ALL damn day with no food in my stomach and I have hypoglycemia and she bitches if anyone says they are hungry while we are out and about and 
  • e) I am the one who is doing the driving, she will go when I say so, not the other way around because of issues a-d above.  

She HATES not being in control when she's in her moods (meaning when she cycles into her state of "persistent crab-ass").  When she's in UBER DUBER BOOBER mode (meaning when she's manic), she's fine with everyone doing whatever (you've probably read some of my other blogs talking about her odd behavior towards me when she's on a high mood....like getting all her friends to clap when I came into the kitchen from outside...it was so, so strange.....).
So, today I see she's reverting from UBER DUBER BOOBER mode back to her old crotchety-ass self.  Yay.  Yay for everyone.  Fuck.  I was hoping that manic high would stay forever, because it's been a REALLY long stretch this time.  Damn.

So today, with her crabby self, she was yelling (like how you'd yell at a dog when you catch them doing something wrong to stop them?) at us when she wanted our attention.  I dropped a bunch of catfood cans outside and went to go retrieve them and she screamed "BAH!!" or some other odd nose to get my attention to tell me to take something out to the car with me (instead of saying "Hey, can you should take this with you"), which I just kept on walking, cursing her as I did.  I have SPD (sensory processing disorder) and you don't scream vowel noises (or any other startling noises) at people who have it! LOL  My system can't handle that shit! haha  Uggghh....

She did the same noise when we pulled up, but 10x louder and scared both me and my son (who also has SPD) because her neighbor was outside in her backyard walking home because we weren't there.  She wanted her attention she screamed that noise really REALLY loudly hahaha!  WTF???  Good god, is that her new thing now??  I hope she doesn't start doing that in public! LOL

*sigh*  So yeah, had my younger son went with us today, it would had been fine and she would had been nicer.  BUT my older son has diarrhea of the mouth when he's with me without his brother (if is brother is there, they talk to each other) and he takes up all my attention (which is fine by me, I love talking to my kids).  She doesn't like that.  Mother has to be the center of attention, always. 

She also loves to tell him what to do when he drives, but then again, she does that to me and my husband as well LOL

Mother: "Turn here.  TURN HERE!"
Dax: "I KNOW, GRANDMA!!  STOP YELLING AT ME!"
Mother: "Oh, well, I am sorry, I just thought you didn't know" *condescending tone*
Dax: "I've been this way a THOUSAND TIMES, how would I not know how to get out of a freaking parking lot???"

Then he and I giggle at her and she shuts the eff up.  LOL



Then she's quiet the whole ride home and acts huffy about everything.  THEN in a snap, she acts normal again.  It's so very odd.  And annoying.  And completely insane. 

When my youngest goes with us?  He's very introverted and quiet and does whatever granny says without saying a word.  She LOVES that so much.  And she offers to buy him things all the time, and hugs him, and says thank you directly to him (when it's Dax and me, she says "thank you guys!" to both of us while we're leaving).  My youngest is showed that his grandma loves him.  Kind words.  Hugs, etc.  Whereas Dax knows he's not loved, he's just tolerated by her.  It's so sad to me, but Dax understands why.

There is a price you pay for not taking your mother's (or grandmother's) shit.  You are the scapegoat.  If you are quiet and ignore her crazy, you are the golden child.  Simple as that.  Dax and I don't take her shit.  I take it more than he does, but still...my husband is her golden child, not me (even though I am an only child). This conversation proves it and it's probably happened at least 10 times with various people:

Any random stranger or friend my mom is talking to: *I walk into the room* "Oh, I hear your husband is a writer!!"
Me: "Yes, he is.  He and I both have the same amount of books published, but he's a writer, yes."
Stranger/Friend:  "Oh, you're a writer, too?  Your mom didn't mention that." 
Me: *thinks* Of course she didn't.  "She has a bad memory, she's (while making a silly facial expression) getting up there and can't remember things like she used to." *giggle*  "Right ma?"
Mother: "Ha. Ha.  You make fun of me but at least I know your name!"  *laughs*  "Where am I?  Who are you people?"
We all laugh and forget that my mom has no intention, ever, of bragging about me to others, only about my husband.

I am the type of person who lightens a mood.  If you're rude to me? I will make you laugh.  I will also make the entire room laugh.  At you.  But you're laughing too, to make up for the fact that everyone now knows you're being rude to me, but we're laughing together, so it doesn't matter anymore.  The mood is lightened and not awkward anymore.  I don't need to act like a pouty baby when someone doesn't acknowledge me or is acting like a jerk to me.  I will just make a joke out of it and move on.  Because me looking like a baby about their bad behavior isn't worth it.  AND we all know damn well if you defend yourself in front of a narc, they will make it out to be "I didn't mean anything by it....you're just being so sensitive!"  So instead, turn their idiotic game into a game right back at them.  Turn them into the joke, instead of you.

It works every single time.



Well, off to go clean my house.  And decompress from all that joyful fun of having go shopping with mother.  LOL  *sigh*  Why can't shopping just be shopping?  Because it's with a narc, that's why.  And nothing is simple when they are involved.


These two happened around 2000 or so.



Mom: You do realize you have your couch over your heat vent on the floor.

Me: Yes.  And my house is still heated, it's fine.

Mom: Oh, so you obviously don't give a shit about your child (I only had one at the time) if your house burns down, right? 

Me: *sigh*  Well, that's mean.  And heating vents aren't on fire mom, how the hell could it start a fire on my couch? *laughs*  If they could start fires, every house would be burning down.

Mom: Well, I guess you're a great mom, then. 

------------------------------------

Now, this same conversation happened at a different time in the same apartment when it had to do with stuff being too close to a lighbulb in my closet.  I did move that stuff because I know that bulbs can burn things.  But there's never a need to attack someone's parenting over a mistake like that LOL  *sigh*  I think deep down she knew I was a better parent than her and it just made her feel good to down me so she could feel better about herself. 

Oh and the vent thing?  My mom moved into that same apartment years later and put a couch over that same vent LOL 
I am going to put random narcissistic conversations with my mom on the blog as I remember them.  This one happened in or around 2008.

Me: (my ex had stopped seeing my kids even though he had shared custody with me) I can't believe he doesn't want to see them anymore.  He went from having them every Friday to now not seeing them at all.

Mother: I don't feel sorry for you.  Nobody else in the universe gets every Friday night away from their kids.  I don't feel sorry for you at all.  You expect too much.

 Me: *taken aback by her random and idiotic comment* Huh?  What do you mean?  Most divorced parents have the other parent take the children every other weekend for the entire weekend.  So your point makes no sense.

Mother: But you and your husband get every single Friday night off from being parents.  Nobody else in the world has that, so I don't feel sorry for you.  You need to stop complaining about it.
----------------------------

Leave it to a narc mom to see the most selfish part in wondering why your children's father doesn't want anything to do with your kids anymore. 
The more I think about what my mother did, the angrier I get.  Did she not think about the repercussions to everyone in her life if she did this?  Granted, I know narcs don't care about long term things.  They don't think about the future, only the here and now.  But....I am just flabbergasted she thought she could get away with this for the rest of her life and not get caught.  Granted, I honestly believe she did forget, but at the same time, she knew exactly what she was doing to begin with.

And today, my family and I were discussing it and we came to realize something: if she goes broke trying to pay back all this money she kept, she will EXPECT us to help her.  But the thing is, when we were going through really hard times back when I started this blog, she got angry with me and left us to rot for however many months.  She never called to ask if were doing okay or if we needed any food.  Little did she know,  we were standing in line at the food pantries every single day just so we could eat.  We were so bad off, I had to even call a friend I barely knew to take me and my kids to the food pantry to go get food...it was so embarrassing, and she never really spoke to us again (though she was an old friend from childhood, so while we'd known each other since we were 13, we hadn't been really close most of that time).

So this has made up my mind, she doesn't deserve our help even if we could help her (which we can't).  And I don't feel bad about it.  YES, my mom has helped me since then....but, only because I am on her good side, pretending everything is okay and allowing her to be bitchy or make snide comments to us, all the while I ignore it.  If I were to speak my mind only one time?  I'd probably be on her shit list.

So yeah.  She can rot wherever she ends up.  I am not her, and I don't like to act like her, but I only sometimes act like her to HER, and nobody else.  Because while I want to rise above her, I don't think she deserves it in order for me to put my family in the way of her abusing us again.  Right now we have distance, but if she lived with us???  Good god, save us all.

I just won't do it.  I refuse.  And after thinking about all the shit she's put my family and I through?  I realize, I don't honestly feel bad about it.

 


So, I haven't been updating lately, because she's been pretty good overall....only because she only has me to rely on.  So she has to kiss my ass in order to keep herself on my good side so I don't give up on her.  Which I won't, but still.  Let her think what she wants.

But, pardon my language: oh holy fuck.

Well.....she went and did it now.  She did something so illegal that now she might be facing prison time.  Oops. 

I am beside myself.  There are so many issues that are going on right now, prison seems to be the least of the issues (at least in federal prison she'll get healthcare and three meals a day--until her dementia gets bad enough that they'd let her out).

This is what happens when you claim people are living with you that aren't and you receive probably $75,000 too much.....OOPS.  And the thing is....in the beginning, she KNEW this was happening, she blatantly knew she was deceiving people, but them promptly forgot about it.  She was just waiting for them to catch it...and now, by the time they did?  She's in it so deep she may get prison time for it. 

OR she'll be broke and she'll think she can live with me, and I'll have to tell her she can't, she'll have to go into assisted living. I'll be DAMNED if she'll live in my house.  OH and she STUPIDLY bought a new car over year ago, without telling anyone, and now we'll be the ones stuck paying for it?? HA!  She can't drive, so I drive her car, now I'll have to give the car back to the dealership because I can't afford that $250 payment plus insurance and then we'll be out a car to take her anywhere at all.  Did I mention she has SIX CATS????  I can't take them in my house!!  They are outdoor cats and I live on a busy street! 

*sigh*  One thing they may do to her is put her on house arrest.  Which is a good thing, but she does have doctor appointments she needs to get to, so we'll see how that will even work. 

In other news: my mom's health is going crazy.  Her heart isn't working right and she's on a heart monitor now, and after that she'll have an echo and from there we'll see.

So, for now, I will just be sitting here GOING NUTS waiting to see what's going to happen next.

ARRRGGGHHHHHH!!!

 

UPDATE 2021: Nothing happened.  She just gets less payments.  That's all.  Like literally nothing.  I overreacted, I think because I kind of hope prison would be on the table for her LOL  But alas, nope.  Though I may have to get the VA to cut her payments even more for her to qualify for a government assisted home eventually, as the state will not pay for one if you make too much money.

Mother had to got to the ER a few nights ago.  Her legs were swollen rock hard.  And then to find out, her heart would dip down into the 30's every few minutes.  So we went to her doc the next day and found out it's most likely due to her meds.  She went off them, so we'll see in a week if it all goes away.


UPDATE: Nope, she needed a pacemaker.  

 


I just figured out something.  I figured out why our mothers will throw us to the wolves if someone gives them the least bit of attention.  I mean, not the attention part, but the "treating us as the same as some Joe Schmoe on the street" part.  Our mothers honestly don't see us as any different THAN Joe Schmoe on the street.  They are 100% lacking that differentiation that comes with family that the rest of us have.  Meaning: family is sacred.  I might treat a stranger like shit because they piss me off.  Especially in this day and age with social media.  I've said some pretty nasty things to people who've said nasty things to me.  But if that was my kid?  No way.  Or my husband?  Nuh huh.  There is a line you don't cross with family.

Yes, we tend to treat our families with less respect than strangers.  I get that.  We feel comfortable with each other.  But there is a line.

If my friend says horrible shit to me, or do something I don't like, like humiliate me, I might walk away from them for months at a time, or perhaps even forever.  I might even talk a little shit about them to my husband, but not to the extent a narc would (we all know what "talking shit" is to a narc---life ruining stuff!).  But if my kid did that?  I would get angry.  I might get really angry.  BUT I would never treat them like a friend who is disposable (yes, I treat friends as disposable at times...because some just aren't worth fighting for, but some are).  But a narc would.  AND the narc's idea of "humiliate" or "do something they don't like" would be trivial (like not drive them to the store the moment they want us to).  A narc would throw us away easier than we'd throw away a piece of garbage.  A narc would throw us away just as easy as you would a stranger.

Narcissists see us as the equivalent as strangers.  That's how self-centered they are: they can't even form a real bond with people because it's all about what we can give them or do for them or anything else for them.  If a stranger can't meet our needs in the moment, there's no reason to talk to them again.

 "Do you have the time?"
"No."
We walk away.

"Can I borrow your phone to make an emergency call?"
"I don't have one."
We walk away and go find someone else who can meet our needs.

We will cycle through strangers, until our needs are met.  The one who does, may become a future friend.  To a narc, they'd become a future source of supply. 

Everyone is a stranger to a narcissist.  

The funny thing is though, narcs will treat strangers better than they treat us.  They will humiliate us in front of strangers, friends, or loved ones in order to get a laugh or for attention.  They want the world to see them as perfect or funny or amazing.  But they don't care how we see them as much.  They just see us as supply.  We are their drug.  

But as soon as they can get a new drug (another source of supply), they will drop us, they way they'd drop a stranger they no longer to need anything from.  POOF.  They're gone.  They'll be back, of course. They always do, but only because they need your supply.  

But to know, whether the narc in our lives are our moms, dads, spouses, children, friends, or boyfriends/girlfriends, it's all the same:

To them, whether they're dealing with us or strangers, it's one in the same. 





I just recently red the memoir by Leah Remini called Troublemaker about her split with Scientology.  I read that sucker in THREE days, which is a huge thing for me to read a book that fast.  But I found it so fascinating that I just could not put it down.  In comparison to Mindy Kahling's book Why Not Me that I read right before Troublemaker--which took me over a week to finish, this book was an actual story, whereas Kahling's book was a book of essays (though it had more of a plot than her previous book Is Everyone Hanging Out Without Me, which was completely essay-style).

I did love both books, but I identified not only with Remini's story, but also her as a person (we both tend to swear a lot and get angry more often than we like).  And like Remini, I was indoctrinated into the lies that were being told around me from a very young age (as were most of you who are reading this blog).  As children of narcissists, we believed our parent's lies, stories, and were told "without me, you are nothing", which is the same for people who are involved in cults like Scientology.  We are told we aren't good enough, and we aren't allowed to be who we are, we are only allowed to be who our mothers (or the church) says we are.  Thinking for ourselves?  Are you nuts?  And, like with cults, you aren't allowed to question your authorities.  If you do, there will be HELL to pay.  You WILL be punished.  Leah was punished by having to spend 12 hours a day in her church getting audited (google what that is in Scientology) and having expensive security checks done on her.

Various ways in which I've been punished are: having her ignore me for months on end because I shared secrets of our life when I was growing up with the general public (on a different blog--which is why I am anonymous here so I don't have to put up with anyone's BS about it--her ignoring me is how this blog started, you can go to the beginning and read about my journey from there to here); her punishing my children at Christmas because my oldest had "supposedly" said some shit about her during that time she was ignoring me and ended up getting him an $8 RC car and bought his brother $100 worth of toys and other stuff (she made a bid deal about parading around how much his brother got--we returned everything and split the money between the kids); humiliating me in front of family members, strangers, and friends when I was on her bad side for saying something or doing something she didn't like (or just because she felt like it); slapping me in the face for screaming at her to stop it when she was (once again) calling me perverted for co-sleeping with my kids (we had just left their father and was living with her, they were scared to sleep alone, so I'd sometimes sleep next to them when they needed me to--they were 3 and 8); as a child she would change her mind about taking me somewhere and pretend like I did something wrong so she could say it was my fault (but I had done nothing---this always severely confused me as a kid...I thought that me just being alive must be a reason to be punished with how she acted); she used to refuse my son to be able to drive her car because he would leave wrappers in her living room occasionally that she had to clean up (if she'd just ask him to do it, he would have,-and when he learned about this happening, he cleaned them up-but she loved to lord something over you that she knew you wanted or needed); she promised to help me pay the down payment on my son's braces--but she got mad at me for something, and refused to help out, so we had to put down less and now we can't afford the payments (they are $100 more a month)--then she promised to help out with the payments and never does; but the one of the worst things she did was when she was really angry with me she called and reported my debit card stolen so the next time I went to the store to use it, it not only refused to work, but came up lost or stolen--I was afraid I was going to get arrested for using my own card!  Granted I had no idea how that worked, and nobody called the police LOL  But the things that run through your mind when your in a situation like that are scary because you never know how far they'll go to hurt you.

And like Remini, everyone around me had to choose: me or mom (though Remini's family and friends had to choose: her or Scientology).  You either believe the truth, or keep safe with the lies.  Nobody believed me at first about my mother because "Mom's aren't supposed to do things like that!"  We're taught from a young age that a mother's love is unconditional.  We're taught that moms ALWAYS love their children.  And that's simply not the case.  A very large amount of mothers out there will easily drop their children if the need arises.  And then they will then blame their children for being the ones who are hurting them, just Scientology will blame the ones who speak out against them and make them look bad.  That part is called a smear campaign, something the victims of both are very familiar with.  My ex went on a smear campaign both when I divorced him and when he decided to give up his rights to our children.  You know when a SC is going on because people who once were nice to you are now giving you the cold shoulder or are spreading their own lies about you.

Another thing both do is called triangulation.  When someone wants control over the situation (namely, YOU), they will go to other people and try to get them on their side in order to turn everyone against you.  This is honestly what a smear campaign does:  they tell everyone what's going on between you two, so then the third person has to pick a side.  And they will do everything they can in order to get the to pick theirs.  If this reminds you of high school, it's because it really is.  Both the narcissist and the people running the organization (who are most likely--okay 100%--narcissists themselves) haven't matured past the age of 17.  It's like being around perpetual teenage girls.  Though they are dangerous teenage girls with the ability to ruin your life if they feel like it.

Scientology and narcissism seem to both also have their flying monkeys.  These are people who are loyal to the cause (mother or the cult) who will pretend to be on your side just so they can report back to headquarters on what you say and/or do.  They are sneaky, underhanded, and pretty fucking evil.  And problem is that we think we can trust them.  My mom's flying monkey went back and told my mom EVERYTHING I said after mother and I had our huge blowout (when & why this blog started) and it made our lives that much more of a living hell.  

And in the end, you can see Remini go through the same exact emotional turmoil that we all did when we realized our mothers were the imposters we suspected they always were.  She felt lost, confused, and wondered if she was making the right choice by walking away.  We've all been there.  We know just how she feels.  And to keep away?  Is the most noble choice one can make when dealing with both narcs and cults.  Though not all of us can stay away completely all the time.  But sometimes just knowing the truth is enough to make things better.

So either narcissism is like a cult or a cult is run like narcissism.  Since both are run by narcissists, seems absolutely plausible why both are exactly the same.  If you ever research Jonestown, you'll see just how much all cults run on the same exact rules and regulations.

I am better off having read Leah Remini's book, and I find it amazingly brave for her to speak out about her experiences with Scientology.  I learned more about why this form of control works from so many angles and how it takes a team to keep something like this running (which is why mother needs her flying monkeys).  When people start wising up, the facade is broken down, and there is no control left.  If you check out my facebook page, you can see oodles of articles on how you can lift that control with your own mothers/coworkers/spouses/exes/friends/etc.  None were written by me, but there is so much information out there, we're so lucky to be living in a time when narcissism recognition and cult recognition are on the rise.  The information is out there, all we have to do is click on Google.  But this book?  It can help you to stay strong and know you're making the right choices by walking away.  And it will help you to realize you're not alone.  That it doesn't matter if you're poor, rich, what race you are, or what your job is: we can all be duped by something or someone we love.  And it can break our hearts.  And we can put those pieces back together to become stronger, wiser, and better than ever before.

I've come so far in my journey as a victim of narcissistic abuse.  We all have.  Even if you've just found out.  Even if you've just walked away from a cult that you thought was nurturing your well-being.  Just by knowing the truth, we've won.

And that, my friend, is best thing in the world.  The truth will set us free.



You can buy Leah Remini's book here: (not an affiliate link, just a link)

Read it.  You won't be sorry.













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Welcome to Girl Lost.


I am a daughter of a narcissistic mother, one of way too many in this world. If you're here, then you have one too. I hope by reading my words someone out there will realize they aren't alone.

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