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So, I kinda feel bad about what I posted yesterday, BUT I also know it was the truth.  My husband read it and said "We are NOT taking her dog."  LOL  Yeah....he'll not be able to say no when the time comes LOL

But today was worse than yesterday with her.  She was yelling, argumentative, and combative, to my children and myself.  She was threatening, and being childish.  It was like shopping with 3 damn kids today, and two of them WERE kids.

I love my mother.  I really do.  And for who she is, not who I expect her to be.  She just frustrates me to high heaven.  She was good for such a long time...okay, like a freaking month and half, now that I count the days.  But that was the longest time ever!  And just like that BAM!!!!  back to her old self.

How lovely for me.

The only issue I have here in my inability to take care of my family, monetarily.  If I could just do that,  I could walk away from when the need arises.  I will not have to fake nice or pretend to be her verbal punching bag.  I could be more adult about the whole thing. 

But I will keep working on that part, and hopefully it will work out...for so many reasons. 

But mostly, so I can be "normal" and not have to subject my family to her ways on a regular basis. 

I know she's dying.  We all are, aren't we?  But she has a slow progressing disease...although I can clearly see the dementia progressing more rapidly than the Parkinson's.  I know she's hurting somewhere deep down inside, somewhere she can't even find herself. 

I know this.  And because of that, I can forgive her and humor her when I need to.  She can't help being narcissistic.  But I also don't deserve any more abuse, either.  And I know there is something on the brink just waiting to happen to us, something wonderful.  So we can be a financially secure family.  And so I can love her from afar when need be. 

Its not healthy, her and I, being in such close proximity all the time anymore.  And I know eventually, she will live with us when she's too sick to take care of herself.  And in an altered state of mind.  But until then, I can have a healthier relationship with her by keeping as much distance as I can between us, even with only a block between us.  I just need something to come thru.

I am gifted at so many things, as is my wonderful husband.  But it just seems we haven't caught a break yet.  We will, we will.  I just hope its soon. 

I am off to bed, good night my friends.  And pleasant dreams.
So here I am, November 11, 2013, and back into the world that is my mother.  The world revolves there.  She just got a new dog.  And at first it was my job to take her out and walk her.  Mind you, I live a block away LOL  But I love the dog, so what can you do?

Now she's more comfortable with it all, but I know my mom.  She gets bored REAL fast and guarantee you I will end up with a new dog within a year.  "Oh its too hard!"  "Oh, I just can't do it anymore!"  Cats are easy for her, you just "let them outside".  Without shots.  Or flea meds.  And hope they come back home.  If not, get a new one.

I feel assholey to say that, but that's how she's been my whole life.  I hope this time is different, but she has no fenced in yard, so I KNOW how this will turn out.

My mom HATES anything she has to work for.  I am 100% serious.  She won't even play one of her games (aka. Seek and Find games) if its timed.  Cause its work.

If she has to try more than 2 times, she's done with something.  She gives up more than any person I know on Earth.

I've had to fight my urges my whole life to not be like her.  My innate self wants to give up.  I get bored and tired of something, but I have learned: anything worth doing will be hard work.  So I've pushed against that wall that is my mother's behavior continuously my whole life.

And YET the times I do give up?  I got scolded for it. 

Then there were times I didn't want to give up, and she gave up for me.  She was bored with me ice skating, something I LOVED and made me quit.  "Its too much money," she'd say.  But my dad worked like 70+ hours a week and had an excellent job and I was an only child.  And our mortgage was $500 for 30 years.  So where did this magical amount of "too much money" for something your child desperately wants to do come into play?  Granted, I may be remembering wrong and maybe I gave up too.....but I know I didn't want to.  I am sure if I did, it was to please my mother.

That's all everything is with her: gaining her approval.  And when you don't?  You clearly know it.

Today I decided to break down a wall I had put up since June and tell her an issue I was having in my life, and she just fucking ignored me. 

Then I went to her house to borrow her car (our is not working right) and she ignored me some more. And I was all upset and hurt. 

Then I said "Whoah!  Hold up!  She can't make me sad anymore.....what the hell?  This was MY fault, I was the one who shared something with her that I knew full well she would not care about." 

And I instantly felt better.  She can't hurt me anymore.  Sure, maybe for a bit, but then I realize I am the one in control, not her.  She doesn't get to make me feel ANYTHING anymore.  Only I do. 

And while I am still doing stuff for her and have her in my life, our relationship is NOT the same in the least.  But I am not the same in the least.  She is.  But I am not, and that's all that matters.

I hope those of you who are going thru the same thing can find the strength to not be that person anymore either :)